Bill Phillip's | Transformation

I Am

NO LONGER RESISTING!

The Next Step in my New Life!
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I 1st found BFL way back in Dec 1999. I loved how "simple" it was written & how "easy" it was to follow! I went from a VERY tight size 22 to a loose 13 in just 12 weeks! For the 1st time in my life I HAD AN OUTLINE OF ABS!! My self esteem & confidence were at an all time high--I was loving life!! Over the next 4 years I kept up w/the workouts pretty good but I thru my BFL eating habits out the window. (Stupid stupid stupid!) Fast forward to : May 2004: I was sitting in an audition for the Reality Show Starting Over. You had to sum up your reasons for wanting to "start over" in one sentence. Mine: "To Overcome All the Losses In my Life". At the time I felt like I would NEVER get past them-there were sooo many! I had lost my innocence when I was only 7, when I was molested by someone I loved & trusted. I had lost my lil' sister Jenifer (who was also my best friend) when 2 career-criminals (out on early-release parole) decided to rob, rape, beat & brutally murder her in Aug. 1993. I lost trust not only in people in general but also in MYSELF after being date raped TWICE (once when I was 15 & again at 30). ( I mean..I HAD chosen to go out with these 2 guys right?) I had lost my career as a Officer w/ the Sheriffs Dept after a severe low back injury I recieved trying to restrain a combative inmate. As if this wasnt enough..I felt like I had literally lost my sanity. I had a terrible reaction to the prescribed medications I was put on after a botched spinal-injection surgery. I actually went into a drug-induced psychosis & spent 7 days on the Psych Ward. While I was there I was diagnosed w/Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, major depression, anxiety, and Bi-Polar "tendencies". My whole world was falling apart right in front of me. Between the psych meds & new pain meds, depression and injury I gained close to 55 LBS in only 6 months!!! After not being chosen for the show I KNEW I had to make the change & "start over" on my own. I started my Challenge on June 7th, 2004 weighing a disgusting 282.9 lbs and at a deathly high bodyfat percentage of 55.5%!!! I was barely fitting into anything...probably somewhere around a size 26. I felt lost, lonely, confused, fat, ugly, and hated the negative person I had become. I dusted off my BFL book, found my old BFL journal & recommitted to COMPLETEING 12 weeks. I went thru soo many "challenges" within those 12 weeks. But....They changed me from a "VICTIM" mentality to that of a SURVIVOR!!! During week #4 me and my (ex)-fiance decided to cancel our wedding & end our 2 year relationship. That was HUGE! The place was reserved...the guest list made,deposits paid--but I knew it was for the best. Without BFL & the support of all the fantastic people on the BFL Guestbook I would have went on a 2 week eating binge, but I survived & I stuck to my program! I also survived an unexpected appeal trial/hearing for 1 of the punks that killed my sis. (He was sentenced to Triple Life + 33 years so it was something we never expected to have to face.) After 12 weeks, I could PROUDLY say : I dropped a total of 18 INCHES overall, am no longer on ANY psych meds & my back is stronger & feels better than it has in 3 years!*****************************************I TRIED (half heartedly)to continue on my BFL journey but was dealing with so much stress early 2005 that I plataued. My son-who is EVERYTHING in the world to me- had just turned 15 & got HEAVILY involved with a Gang. He was using drugs & drinking on a daily basis & even OD'd on my 36th Bday. After having my home searched at gun point TWICE by the same cops I used to work with-I did the only thing I knew to do: On May 4, 2005 in the middle of the night, I packed up my son, my 2 dogs & what I could fit into my Pickup & moved to 800 miles away to Phoenix. I left behind my family, friends, my home-but I HAD to do it to save my Sons life. Living in Phx was sooo hard-we did not know a single person in the whole state of AZ, and I turned back to BFL to keep my sanity. IT WORKED! Thru BFL & the BFL websites I made friends in AZ & we started a BFL AZ Support group which was wonderful, and even led to my 1st Race, the Pat Tillman Run! This was huge becuz I had 3 Ortho Surgeouns tell me I would NEVER run again in my life-but thanks to BFL I did! :) Life took a few more turns & I ended up back in CA Jan 2007. Fast Forward to March 2008-This was what I posted when I started a new Challenge: MARCH 17,2008: WTH Happened? I havent weighed this much since 2005. All of 2007 I followed a diff. program, threw EVERYTHING I learned thru BFL out the window (Trainer had me no-carb,very low-cal, hrs & hrs of cardio, etc)& I developed an Eating Disorder. Now Im starting over, following BFL again & trying to mend the damage Ive done to my body, Mind and Spirit. **** I TRIED my best to get back on track but my E.D. kept spinning completely out of control-as did my entire life. It wasnt until I found T.com and BECAME ACTIVE on Aug 11th that I FINALLY feel like Im making PROGRESS!! I cant wait to see where this journey takes me & to LIVE MY LIFE as He Intended!

My Favorite Charity

Miniature Pinscher Rescue Group (IMPS) & POMC (Parents of Murdered Children)

To me, Transformation Means

Tearing down & DESTROYING the walls I have built.-- Rock-hard walls that surround my heart, my mind, my entire spirit and the walls of fat I have hid behind that surround my body. It also means FREEDOM. Freedom from all of the pain, RESENTMENT & hatred I have held onto for as long as I can remember. Freedom from self-hate & the disgust I feel everytime I walk past a mirror & see WHAT I have become & how I have ABUSED myself. Freedom from numerous Dr appts and health issues & surgeries. Freedom from shopping in the Plus size dept for clothes. Freedom from my Eating Disorder. Freedom to L-I-V-E & ENJOY life!It also means FINALLY "FEELING"!! I have WASTED so many years of my life being NUMB. Numb to everything and everyone. As long as I didnt hafta FEEL, I couldnt get hurt.(yeah right!)..but Im TIRED of that! I WANT to feel ALL the emotions that God had blessed us with. Pain, JOY, LOVE, HAPPINESS--all of them! All I really know is how to shut out my feelings, to lock them up behind these fortified walls I have worked so hard to build up. To me, being mean, hateful & unhappy is NORMAL and thats NOT RIGHT. (Im FINALLY SEEING THIS!)It also means being VULNERABLE & ASKING FOR HELP which I think is going to be one of my biggest challenges. I have ALWAYS "done it myself" but Im seeing now that it hasnt gotten me anywhere, so I MUST OPEN MYSELF UP & ALLOW others into my world. A big part of this is FINALLY Opening up to the Lord and ASKING Him to lead me. Religion is completly new to me, I have never taken that huge step towards Him, but I AM TAKING IT NOW and I KNOW that will lead to my TOTAL TRANSFORMATION-Mind, SPIRIT, Soul & Body!!It also means LIGHT!! My PTSD & depression/bi-polar tendencies have kept me in the dark for the past few years. I WANT the LIGHT in my life-I want the light to RADIATE from WITHIN ME!! I want people to be able to look at me and see the REAL ME SHINING from deep inside my heart & soul! When I can do that-I will be able to INSPIRE OTHERS to improve THIER lives and overcome their obstacles/painful pasts.I guess in ONE WORD-Transformation to me means : EVERYTHING!!

My Goals

LOOK: I am SMILING! I have a glow/LIGHT that radiates from within. My eyes SPARKLE with enthusiasm & HOPE! I am walking tall, head up, shoulders back & Im confident and PROUD of myself! My stomach is flat, my arms are toned, I look HEALTHY in my new jeans & T shirt. I look more like 30 than 40, my hair is shiny & healthy, my skin glows even without a tan!

FEEL: I feel WHOLE! I wake up and believe that each & every day is a new OPPORTUNITY! I am energetic, yet calm within. My thoughts are CLEAR. My mind is FOCUSED! Im Calm & PEACEFUL because I am a Child of God, and I am following His path. I feel FREE! My heart & SPIRIT are light & FREE from the past because I have learned the POWER OF FORGIVENESS! I LOVE the reflection of the strong, empowered and confident woman I see! I'm ESTASTIC! Im sooo inspired that Im ready to burst at the seams! My back & knee are no longer painful, swollen or injured...they are healthy & strong! I am an open book-Im FEELING what it means to L-I-V-E!!!

BE: I AM LIVING!!! I am friendly and my GENUINE smile makes me APPROACHABLE. I'm outgoing, HAPPY and truly enjoy helping others. Im volunteering with the Min Pin Rescue Group & helping save the lives of these precious dogs, and find them their Forever Homes!
I'm grateful, compasssionate, and inspired and because of that- I LOOK for opportunites and find ways to help others daily. I hold an unconditional intention of compassion towards others and myself! I'm a better listener, a more productive employee, a happier & better Mom, fiance & daughter. I AM TRANSFORMING!!!!!

My Intentions

Let Go and Let God. *SURRENDER!!

Who I'd Like to Inspire

I would love to inspire as many people as possible! But...closest to my heart I would like to inspire my Mom and my son Blake. My Mom is beautiful inside & out, but I see her hiding behind the walls of emotional eating & pushing down her feelings. I worry about her mental AND Physical health. Shes very active, goes to the gym on a regular basis but she has increasing health issues, and her wieght is getting higher & higher which in turn-leads to MORE health problems. I can see in her EYES that shes not happy, and It kills me. She has always been a very successful, strong business woman but there is still something missing. I would love to inspire her to go back to church. She talks about how much she misses attending Mass, and I think it would help her "heal" not only from what hurts within but from my Sisters Murder. My son is my heart-my LIFE, my everything and I pray that I can inspire him to see how SPECIAL he is. He has his whole life ahead of him, the road it takes depends on his actions and I would love to show him that life IS GREAT, and POSITIVE & there really are GOOD people out there that only want to HELP. I want to teach him about God and the power of foregiveness. I want to show him that NO MATTER WHAT has HAPPENED to you--YOU CHOOSE what the future holds, and the possibilites are endless.

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