Im leaving this morning for Alturas so that I can finally visit with my baby. Court is scheduled for tomarrow, but some new problems came to light yetserday..so it looks like tomarrow will only be a continuance for a later court date. :(Unfortunatly I wont have any comp access while Im gone unless i can get to the library up there...so if yall dont hear from me-thats why. Please keep us in your prayers...Im pretty nervous about driving in th...
Tomarrow I GET TO do my 1st Rescue for the Miniature Pinscher Rescue group (IMPS) that I started volunteering with! Im soo excited! (And a lil bit nervous). I will be picking up Three 8-week old puppies, their Momma & a 2yr old adorable Male, and transporting them all to their new Foster Homes. :) Ohhh I just can't wait to "spring them" from the Animal Shelter & get them into Foster Care , and get them onto the...
I am so blessed to have amazing, supportive & loving friends in my life...and I give thanks to Him for this incredible Gift! In the past week I have had 2 of my friends ask for Blake's address so that they could send him a letter and words of support & encouragement. These 2 friends have never even MET Blake personally, but they "know him" thru me, and I continue to Thank God that they have offered to reach out to him. ...
Just when I felt like I had a "Routine" set & in motion, my life was turned upside down. Ever since Blake was arrested & locked up, it seems like I have at least one new "Challenge" every day. The last 15 days have felt like one "TEST" after another! I do everything I can to just hold on, stay strong, and face each new Challenge. Sometimes I feel like I'm making progress, other times I feel l...
Last week I attended church for the 1st time! I went w/a friend, and wasn't quite sure what to expect but it was nice. There were definitely things I really liked about her small church..but there were also a couple things I wasn't quite comfortable with. Yesterday I attended a different church w/one of my BFF's and her dad. Wow-what a different experience from last week. This church has a congregation of over 3000! Yeahhh...I was a bit int...
I know I've been MIA for the past week or so, and I've also been really vague about what I'm going thru right now. It's not that I particularly WANT TO...I just don't really know what to say/write or even what I "can" write about...A few of my friends have been emailing me, concerned about me & I apologize for not responding..I've just been hanging on: sometimes minute-by-minute, and at other times..I work up to hour-by-h...
I'm in the midst of the worst "Storm" I have ever faced in my life.There's times I just want to Give Up.There's times that I didn't want to believe in God..becuz how could this happen & how could the pain hurt this much?There's times that I feel like I cant go on.But by the grace of God...these times pass.As much as I felt like turning my back on the Lord..I just CAN'T! I MUST stand strong, PRAISE Him and BELEIVE that there IS ...
It seems like no matter what I go thru, survive or do..my Mom continues to see me as "weak". I just don't get it....but it really hurts my heart. I AM strong. I am emotional now especially after blocking out my feelings & emotions for so many years...but that does NOT mean I am weak. I know I need to GIVE IT UP, and LET IT GO. This is HER issue....NOT MINE. My head KNOWS that..but my heart is still holdin on. Let Go &...
The Devil is working over time lately, trying his best to throw me off of God's Path, this time by tryin to going through my Mom..but I BELIEVE GOD!I BELIEVE & I have His strength. I will NOT back down...I will only become STRONGER & CLOSER to the Lord, and with Him I am NOT Afraid!...
I can't believe the TIMING of this assignment! (Well actually I guess i CAN becuz that's how things have been happening ever since I started my Transformation & began SURRENDERING! I was signing online today to Blog about my experience Monday night: I became a Volunteer for POMC-Parents Of Murdered Children! Our local Chapter is pretty small, but unfortunately due to the increasing number of murders occuring-...
Today I've learned a very valuable lesson. We MUST clean out our closets from time to time..and that includes our Friend Closet. I'm seeing that just as styles in clothing changes, sometimes so do friends. Remember that super cute shirt or dress you had that you just loved to wear..the one that made you feel great when you put it on? Over time..that outfit "went out of style". It doesn't mean that I don't like it anymore...
One of my BFF's sent this to me this morning....its wonderful, POWERFUL, INSPIRING and words to always remember. Live a Resurrected Life (by Joel Osteen)Every person goes through adversities or times of difficulty. Maybe you didn’t get a promotion you deserved, or you lost a loved one, a friend betrayed you. It’s easy to get negative and bitter and lose your enthusiasm for life, but understand ...
When I started my Transformation and filled out my Profile, this is what I wrote under "Who I'd Like To Inspire": I would love to inspire as many people as possible! But...closest to my heart I would like to inspire my Mom and my son Blake. My Mom is beautiful inside & out, but I see her hiding behind the walls of emotional eating & pushing down her feelings. I worry about her mental AND Physical health. ...
Nothing can INSTANTLY brighten up my day quite like a surprise can!!And since My Cali-Sistah CHRISTIE aka JUST ME is such a wonderful, thoughtful & caring person I received a SURPRISE Care package in the mail today!! The timing was perfect-THANK YOU Christie!!I received a beautiful Photo Frame that says "Believe" on it, a CD with a great variety of Christian music on it(which I was just saying to another friend TODAY that I wanted t...
I've been working each & every day to Let Go and Let God. Some days things seem to come immediately to me. I am able to spend some quiet time in prayer & Give them up to Him, and I actually FEEL the weight lift off of me. Then theres other days or other "things" that for one reason or another-I just havent LET GO. I THINK I Let Go....but in reality I am acting out like Coach Stoneys Post a couple of weeks ago: I ...
Normally on my drive to work I have the radio blasting or Im on my cell yappin away. Not today, I had too much on my mind.I turned the volume on the radio all the way down, turned off the ringer on my cell and used those few precious moments to Pray instead. I prayed for strength and courage, and to be shown HOW to truly Give It Up to Him.When I finished my prayers, I turned on the radio & scrolling across the XM receiver was a new song...
I just don't get it--today is the middle of week # 7 for me...(my offical date was July 21st but I blew off the 1st 3 weeks). Anyways....I weighed in today and guess what? I WEIGH MORE NOW than I did when I started! What the...??!!!Its so frustrating becuz my CONSCIOUS mind KNOWS & SAYS " The scale number does NOT matter!! I AM changing..Im getting smaller, have more energy, I feel better. I am getting stronger all the time, my met...
Today's been one of those days. I've felt like I have been battling Satan ALL... DAY... LONG. I'm Tired, I'm beginning to feel run down & mentally drained....but Im still fighting.I am a warrior of God, and I will continue the Good Fight.Im not sure how to describe it--I feel like I am in conflict with myself/ complete turmoil..but then again is it REALLY with Myself?? Or, ...am I just fighting off the LIES & deceptive thoughts...
At the end of my 18 weeks I : LOOK: I am SMILING! I have a glow/LIGHT that radiates from within. My eyes SPARKLE with enthusiasm & HOPE! I am walking tall, head up, shoulders back & Im confident and PROUD of myself! My stomach is flat, my arms are toned, I look HEALTHY in my new jeans & T shirt. I look more like 29 than 39, my hair is shiny & healthy, my skin glows even without a tan! FEEL: I feel WHOLE! I wak...
I just realized something incredibly POWERFUL:My Past Does Not Determine Who I am!! They are just EXPERIENCES I've been through..they do NOT Dictate or Make-up "Me"!!My entire life I have always BELIEVED I was a Rape Victim, I was Molested, I am a Survivor of a Murdered Sister...and as we all know (or are learning)--What you BELIEVE-You BECOME!! But now I SEE that those things HAPPENED to me. They are NOT ME!!! &nb...
In the past, when my BF, family or friends would say things that I didnt agree with or when they would question me about something I would become really defensive, angry & bitter. Then I would react in one of 2 ways-either like a red-eyed Bull, ready to fight or I would just completely shut down. When I began my Transformation, I DECIDED I no longer want to be "that" girl...Slowly but surely Im learning new ways to deal & cope--...
Its emabarrassing when I think back to how many times Ive used "I dont feel like....." as an excuse in the past. Those 4 little words are no longer welcome in my vocabulary!Theres so many things that we all do EVERY SINGLE DAY that we dont "feel like" doing: Going to work, getting up early, driving in traffic, etc, but we do them anyway, its a part of our lives, a neccesity. I NOW look at Working out & healthy meals the sa...
As another new day emerges...I am once again BLESSED to have so many more OPPORTUNITIES in front of me!Today I have the OPPORTUNITY to :* Pray* Nourish My Body with delicious, healthy, nutrient rich foods* Go grocery shopping with Chris* Clean my house* Play with Rodeo & Gracie* Take a nap* Enjoy the Nascar Race* Prepare meals for the upcoming week* Get in a great workout* Apply to be a Volunteer with the Min Pin Rescue Group* Write & SEN...
An OPPORTUNITY to:* Grow stronger Spiritually* Grow stronger Mentally* Grow stronger Physically* Pray* Count my Blessings* Become a better Me* Tell Blake how much I love & appreciate having him as my Son* Help my Mom* REJOICE!* Lift others up* Meet the wonderful people from the Min Pin Rescue Group that helped me adopt Rocky & Gracie (Its Min Pin Dog-party Reunion Day!)* Spend time with Chris* LISTEN* Make POSITIVE choices* Step outside o...
Today when I finished writing my last blog entry, I was just about to sign off when I seen that Clarissa had commented. Im soo glad I seen it! As I read Clarissa's words of wisdom, it was like a reality check. (THANK YOU!!)I printed out the Serenity Prayer & headed to my bedroom & pulled out my Bible.At dinner I discussed my feelings with my BF, and decided right then & there that Im GIVING IT UP TO GOD. I used Coachs method--I p...
For the last 48 hours I have been struggling. Struggling with an abundance of anger, and as much as I KNOW I NEED to let it go...theres a part of me thats still holding onto it. WHY?! I guess the real answer has to do with the fact that Im not READY to let go. This is sooo STUPID!! The anger is swelling up inside of me, tearing at my heart, makin me act like the mean, nasty, bitter person that I have been working so hard to NOT be. But I still ha...
*Note: I posted this on the forum but it has had sucha impact on me-I want to keep it here on my blog too so I can re-live it when I need some extra motivation! Something finally "clicked" in me the last few days & Im realizing more & more, that this Journey & my life in general is NOT all about me! Its about HELPING OTHERS, LIFTING THEM UP, and sometimes just "Being there" for support or comfo...
This is what I posted on Bills Blog/comments Immedialty after reading the Assignment: I am so PROUD to say That I am ON TARGET! The 1st 2.5 weeks of my Transformation I was lagging, skipping assignments & basically wasnt "ready"...but that COMPLETELY changed 3 weeks ago when I sat down & COMPLETED all of the assignments & faced reality about ME & MY LIFE. I am SHOCKED at how much my life/attitude and even my body ha...
Wow-where do I start?! Well 1st & foremost it..I learn from you Bill and I am forever grateful! Ever since that fateful day in Dec 1999 when I seen you on the Montel show & went out & bought BFL, my life has never been the same-THANK YOU! Next I must say my girl MELLIE! Ive known Mellie for a couple of years...and it was her that brought me to this wonderful site & reached out to me when I sooo desperatly needed it. Girl-I lo...
Im really glad I decided to take a progress pic last night becuz to my surprize-I SEE CHANGES!! I know Ive been FEELING different, and thats my main goal, but its niiiice to see physical changes too ya know? Especially after a long day of shopping and not finding anything that fit or loked cute. Now I know--its only a matter of time & I'll be wearing the cutest/hottest clothes out there! Im happy about the fact that my body looks smalle...
Not sure WHY...but I am. Didnt start off that way..I woke up a lil' bit tired, but more EXCITED than anything else, looking forward to a new week. I even started the daily post for my bfl team and wrote about How we need to SEE Mondays differently from now on, not as a bad thing..but as a NEW OPPORTUNITY to have a kick-butt week. I kept up the pace from there: UBWO completed-hit New HIGH POINTS! Food planned & packed. Was rollin right along t...
For the last 9 months I have been "held captive" by my eating disorder. Every minute, every hour, every activity in my life seemed to be centered around my bingeing..If I wasnt "actively" bingeing, I was THINKING about bingeing, feeling the after effects of a binge, or ripping myself apart with guilt & disgust because of the binge that just happened or even over a FUTURE binge! I was left feeling POWERLESS, like ...
It's simply AMAZING how great, energetic & just plain "GOOD" I feel today!I honestly can't remember when was the last time I felt this way--it's been a feeling that has eluded me for MUCH TOO LONG..a feeling that I had almost FORGOT existed. And a feeling that I wasnt sure I would EVER feel again...BUT I DO FEEL IT!! Its a feeling beyond words...kinda like a big ball of HOPE, ENERGY, FIRE, HAPPINESS & PEACE all rolled into...
Back in 2005 I THOUGHT I had REASONS for why I was not living a healthy lifestyle/ was not toned, fit and happy. Yep..I thought that, and believed it.. until someone I truly respect made me face reality. He told me point-blank....You have no REASONS for it...just EXCUSES!! At 1st I got kinda pissed off.....who was he to tell me I had no REASONS? I had ALL KINDS of reasons (or so I THOUGHT!) : 3 months earlier, I had just packed up my son, m...
Getting PHYSICALLY stronger!Getting MENTALLY stronger!Getting EMOTIONALLY stronger!Getting SPIRITUALLY stronger!Learning to LOVE myself a little more!Learning to TRUST myself a little more!Learning to FORGIVE myself a little more!Learning to SURRENDER a little more!**Every Single Day I am becoming a better woman than I was the day before! ...
All day I have been trying to figure WHY I have always felt "unworthy", and basically not good enough..and WHY do I have a problem with BELIEVING IN MYSELF, and WHY is it sooo hard for me to find even FIVE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF? Why don't I believe that I DESERVE the best life has to offer?!I've dealt w/this issue before...back when I was "taking a lil' time off" from the world at the ol' Psych Ward..but I have ...
Been a kinda wierd day for me. Ever since I started doing my Assignments for my Trans. Challenge...THINGS ARE HAPPENING! Good things (feelin a lil' better about myself, started taking care of ME again, etc) but...there are also alot of difficult issues finally "coming to light". It's not easy..but I'm seeing that these are some of the reasons I have never COMPLETLY crossed the abyss. Last nite's Assignment made me search deep into mysel...
***My lowest level habit (and this is soo hard to admit to) is that I deny myself success/sabotage my efforts because I don't feel I am good enough or worthy of it. ***What I'm going to do: Surrender! Especially to the power of FORGIVENESS, honor self promises & ask Him for help to dissolve this low-level habit from my life once and for all!...
A HUGE step that Ive taken is finally "opening myself up" and ASKING for help instead of hiding my head in the sand like an ostrich. Coming to THIS site and recieving such a warm welcome from POSITIVE PEOPLE has been a big step too! One thing I can improve on is preparing & planning my meals ahead of time.Above are the answers that I posted on Bills assignment "page" immediatly after I read the assignment. But...there are ...
CHANGING WHAT I SEEI'm so excited that I have things to write about on this Assignment! Since last Monday Aug 11, I have been to the gym consistently!! Prior to that day, I hadnt been more than a couple times in the last few months--so thats DEFINATLY PROGRESS!! I have also made my meal planning a priority! Last week, I cooked my food at home, packed it up & took it to Chris's house for dinner instead of just "giving in" to whatever...
On & Off Since 1999 I have used BFL, Bills teachings, and the advice/support of my wonderful BFL friends to improve my life & overcome obstacles. Yet, despite my past success, I once again, find myself lost, confused, obese, angry & hating the way I have been living & what I have become.For the past few months, no matter how hard I tried, I never was able to "Get my head back in the game", refocus and take the steps...
My Transformation started on July 21, and will end on Nov 23, but since I am already at the beginning of Week #4 I will post my goals from today on.***************************************************************Within 15 weeks I will lose 40 pounds of fat.Within 15 weeks I will gain 10 pounds of muscle.Within 15 weeks I will be energized from morning until night!Within 15 weeks I will be happy, confident & Proud of myself!Within 15 weeks...
My timeline for my Transformation started on July 21st and my deadline to ACHIEVE my goals is Nov. 23rd!My reward: I will be HAPPY and I will be LIVING MY LIFE!! I will also have the physical, mental and SPIRITUAL STRENGTH I need to face lifes challenges, such as my sons pending legal issues, my medical conditions and life in general.Also, I'm going to the NASCAR Race in Phoenix in November & I will have the strength, energy and confidence to...
My WHY? **Because I want to actually LIVE my life...not just "exist" in it. **Because I'm worth it! I have missed out on so much "life" in the past because of my own insecurities & lack of love for myself-I KNOW there is sooo much more waiting for me. I am READY to recognize, and ACCEPT all that God has for me, and to know that I DO deserve to be happy & have a FANTASTIC life! **To be a "STRIVER" &a...
Well I DID IT!! I got up, got my butt to the Gym this morning and did my entire LBWO. Physically...it was TOUGH. I havent done ANY weight-work in OVER 3 months because of my knee, and in that time period I have also gained a horrible amount of weight-so double whammy at the gym!For me....the PSYCHOLOGICAL part of JUST GOIN IN THERE was actually tougher for me than the physcial workout. How crazy is that? I felt embarrassed and ashamed to wa...
I'm so glad Bill gave us this assignment!I've had the Eating For Life Cookbook since the day it was released. I used it alot in the past-there are so many delicious, healthy recipes in there & even my teenage son & his friends LOVED when I would cook out of it. But...I had strayed from it for over a year & 1/2!Plus...as much as I hate to admit it--I had NEVER taken the time or effort to READ THE BOOK!!! WTH?! (When I got EF...
My official start day was Monday July 21st.I seriously thought Assignment #1 was going to be the hardest for me to complete (and yes..it basically kicked my butt!) BUT....with my medical issues right now-I REALLY struggled throughout week #1 to get my workouts completed.On June 11th I had a Laprascopy surgery for Endometriosis. It was a fairly simple operation & came back with good news-not much damage to my ovaries etc and theres a...
In my Before Picture....the INNER ME Is:"Stuffed" but Soooo "Empty" A VictimDepressedAshamedLost & ConfusedW...
