Bill Phillip's | Transformation

Check and Balance your account

Anyone that knows me (friends, and of course all you peeps that have grown to love me here on T.com) knows I can babble.  Talk....Chat....converse...yell.....you get the drift.  Sometimes my words don't make sense in the context I write them....but you need to look at the underlying message.  Here's my thoughts for today.  Bear with me.

I've been in a "foul" mood lately.  Things just don't seem to be going right.  Or should I say, going the way Deb wants.  For starters....I'm in real estate and sell condo's for a local builder.  Need I say more?  If you don't know what's happening in the real estate market right now, you must live in a shoe, which by the way, I could probably sell better than a condo right now, so if you'd like to sell your shoe, let me know.  Sorry.  My humor can be a little off beat at times.   To say I'm struggling in my career right now would be a HUGE understatement....but I'm hanging on by a thread.  It's the end of the month...suppose to have three condos closing.   One has completely fallen apart...customer backed out.  Second one, still doesn't have final approval on the loan.  The banks are getting SO, SO skidish...the underwriters don't want to take ANY chances on ANYTHING.  Good gracious. (as I sit here having heart attacks with each problem).  Third one SHOULD be good to go for Monday.  The way things have been going I keep telling myself "don't count your condo's before they close." (Chickens/hatch....whatever...sense of humor again.)  That's the first issue.

My son just sat for the ACT a couple of weeks ago.  This was his second time.  First test he scored a 25.  Not too bad.....just not good enough for him (and sadly for me).  He immediately wanted to take it again.  Being the competitive person I am (oh, and perfectionist...did I mention that I'm a perfectionist????) I said "Great".....and signed him up for the next available test.  Now thinking that a 25 is pretty darn good for a junior on his first try, I asked myself "Am I being too hard on him??"  Back pops in the perfectionist that says "Well...if he wants to get into MIT, Carnigie Mellon, or Harvey Mudd....he needs to bring that score up!".   So we sign him up, and make sure he has a good nights sleep the night before....extra batteries for the calculator (I even sent him with a extra, extra set, incase some student ended up with a croaked calc. in the middle of the test and hadn't thought to bring extra batteries!)....sharpened pencils....water....fruit....myoplex bar (yea, figured I could part with one to give him extra protein).  Afterwards, he said he felt good and was figuring for around a 28.  We checked the test online yesterday morning.  He got a 26.  He's bummed.  I'm bummed.  I'm more bummed because I know how much this means to him, but am I really?  He picked out those three schools because they are the BEST for Software Engineering, which is the field he wants to pursue.  I don't want him to go to MIT (even if he could get in).  It's too far away(1000 miles)....we can't afford it (46,000 per year, so refer to the paragraph above)....we couldn't afford to go visit him.....(again...I don't have stock in the airlines).  I could give you the miles and figures for the other two, but they are just as bad if not worse.   This is the second issue.

I'm sure I could come up with a gazillion more "issues" but you didn't sign on to read a novel.  Guess what?  I'm finally getting to the point of this blog....."Check and Balance".  I have been relying on God lately for many things.  My alcohol addiction being the first and foremost to come to mind.  God has been there for me these last 6 weeks (yep, 6 weeks today).  I started thinking if God has done so well helping me with that part of my life which seemed so consuming, why am I not relying on Him to help me with these other issues?  Why don't I rely on Him for ALL my issues?  I said to Stoney in a email not too long ago that I didn't feel very close to God...seemed the more I tried to get close to Him, the less I felt close to Him.  I came to the conclusion (all by myself, by the way....Stoney didn't even have to hit me over the head with a 2 x 4 or anything!) that the alcohol was keeping me from Him.  It was like a electric cord.  God is the outlet and I'm the appliance, and alcohol was the overload that tripped the breaker.  I'd "plug" into God, and the alcohol would blow the fuse.  Does that make sense? (Told you you were in for a long one...but I promise, I'm almost through!).  So, I get rid of the alcohol, and for the past 6 weeks, I've really felt good.  Good, and closer to Him.  Now, picture a checkbook.  That represents our relationship with Him.  We have a balance, and when it's in the "black" that's a good thing, because we have Him in our life, and the the more things (deposits) we can do to bring us closer to Him, the larger our balance gets.  Now filp that.  Bad things take away from that balance (withdrawals).  Stress, alcohol (in my case), and a host of other bad things (you can fill in the blank with what your withdrawals are) reduce your balance in your "checkbook" with God. 

My checkbook is still in the negative.  I'm working on balancing it.  I need to make more deposits.  I need to remove the bad things in my life wihich is a HUGE withdrawal in my God Checkbook (I'd hate to tell you what my balance was when I was drinking!!!)  So, whatever happens with my career and what ever happens with my son's education, I am putting it in God's hands.  Stress removed.  He has a plan for me...I know this....and he has a plan for my son.  Someday, I will look back on all this and say "why didn't I just trust in Him sooner?"   I need to stop trying to live "Deb's" way (thanks, Stoney)....and live His way.  This is NOT going to be easy.  I am a control freak and a perfectionist,  I do everything, because no one can do it better than me, so if you want it done right, do it yourself.  I need to realize that He does things better than me, and I need to let Him do his work.

I'm done and thank you for reading...and thank you ALL for all the support you've shown me in the last 6 weeks.  I'm off to the "bank" to make a deposit.......