Bill Phillip's | Transformation

WHY I BELIEVE Chapter 8

I start this chapter where Chapter 6 left off.  It was July 2005 and we had just gotten back from a very good beach trip.  I think I can say my life really took a turn that summer of 2005.  It started with the little church in Chapter 5 and with the week at the beach in Chapter 6, I really seemed more connected and more aware of His word and His calling.  I guess this could have been alot of the reason I didn't seem to notice the "cold" that Tracy had been dealing with for seven months.  It wasn't until August 8, 2005 that my eyes were opened. 

When I came into work that Monday on the 8th of August the headline on my MSN homepage read Peter Jennings had died.  I didn't watch Mr. Jennings to much and I think the only thought that went through my mind was he was the first of the big three news anchors to die.  The article said he was a heavy, longtime smoker and he had died from complications of lung cancer.  They had a small link to cancer warning signs with the article and honestly I don't know why I clicked on it, but I did.  When the web site came up and I glanced at the signs and my heart froze.  As I read I suddenly realized that Tracy had many of the symptoms.  A persistant cough, dull aching chest pain, shortness of breath, wheezing, repeated respiratory infections that would not go away.  The more I read the more the symptoms seemed to match.  The only thing I hadn't seen from her was pain in her arm and coughing up blood.  As these words burned in my mind and the last year raced through my head,  I realized the phlegm that she struggled with every morning was not from the "allergies" she said she had.  I thought to myself how stupid could I have been to let her go almost eight months before I realized something wasn't right.  I didn't get much work done that day.  I visited every web site that had lung cancer symptoms hoping to find one that would tell me she was going to be okay.  The only thing that I hung my hope on was that she was not a smoker, and you only get lung cancer if you are a smoker...right?

I went home that evening and I said nothing to her.  I just watched her.  I just hoped she wouldn't cough.  I just hoped she would be okay.  I just prayed. 

I got up the next morning and I remember watching her struggle to extract the phlegm from her throat.  It seemed to go on forever.  I asked how long have you been doing this.  She would just say it's nothing, it's just my allergies.  But this time I told her "you don't have allergies.  You've never had allergies."  As I went out the door for work I warned her "you're going to the doctor if this doesn't get better."  I hurried to work to get back on the computer.  As I drove my thoughts went back to when she first got sick.  I tried to convince myself it was a bad sinus infection, or maybe the flu or maybe she DID have allergies. 

When I got to work I immediately turned on my computer.  And what I saw made my heart sink even more.  Christopher Reeve's widow, Dana Reeve was diagnosed with lung cancer.  And she was NOT a smoker!  The article said she was one of those rare cases of lung cancer in people who have never smoked.  It said only 10% of non smoking women actually get the disease.  Again I poured over web site after web site hoping to find one that said she would be okay.  But they all said the same thing.

When I got home that afternoon I told her we were going to the doctor.  She resisted a little but I could see in her eyes she was ready to get this "fixed".  She assured me it was just allergies but she said she would make an appointment.  Again I watched,  just watched her and hoped she wouldn't cough...but she did.

She got an appointment with a lung specialist much easier than we had expected.  It happened rather quickly.  As we sat in his office and he asked her questions I watched his face and his eyes.  I knew what he was thinking, and I knew it wasn't good.  I wasn't a doctor but I did know all the symptoms.  As she tried to down play the severity of her congestion she would glance at me and then him and tell us both it was just allergies.  I hoped he would agree with her but I knew better.  He told her it was not allergies but it sounded more like chronic bronchitis.  I thought that didn't sound to bad, it's just bronchitis.  We can deal with that.  But then the cancer symptoms came back to mind.  I asked him if could it be lung cancer.  I was hoping for an emphatic no but  I got a  "we will need to see" instead.  It was then that I think the reality had set in with her that something was wrong.  He told us he was going to schedule a bronchosopy in a week and look at her lungs.

We left his office with the news I had expected.  I had gone to the web sites and they all said the same thing.  As we got in the car she assured me she was okay.  It's just bronchitis.  Yeah it's just bronchitis I thought.

When we got back home I immediately went to work and looked up chronic bronchitis.  As I read the symptoms I realized she had 100% of these sypmtoms and many were the same for lung cancer.  The more I read the more it hit me; it  wasn't just bronchitis, it was CHRONIC bronchitis.  As I read this one web site in particular the last line said there was no cure for chronic bronchitis.  Treatment was aimed at relieving symptoms and preventing complications.  And the complications were not good.  In fact there was nothing good about it.  I guess the only thing good was chronic bronchitis was not cancer.  I couldn't believe my only option was hoping she had chronic bronchitis.   Again when I got home I just watched her on the couch and hoped she wouldn't cough.

The week went slowly.  I was tired of web sites.  I just wanted to get this over and know what we were facing. As I sat in the waiting room and waited for the bronchosopy results I realized just how fragile life was and how quickly it could change.  We went from a great week at the beach to this.  A waiting room.  Waiting for news that would change our lives forever.  I tried to think positively but somehow I just couldn't.  

The nurse told me it was okay to go back and see her.  I thought it went quickly and I hoped that was a good sign.  When I got back to her she too couldn't believe it was over.  She had a big smile on her face and she said she didn't remember a thing.  We didn't have to sit to long.  The doctor came in carrying a test tube.  He held up a tube of cloudy liquid.  The look on his face was not good.  He told us this was what came out of her lungs.  He said it was what he would expect from a 70 year old smokers lungs.  He didn't sugarcoat it he just said it.  It seemed harsh and real at the same time.  I guess it was what it was and there was nothing he could do about it.  He then pulled up a chair and showed us these black specs in this murky liquid.  I asked does that mean she has cancer?  He said he would not know until he sent it off to be anaylised.  That wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear NO.  We had another week to wait.

That next week was hard for me.  I had not shared anything I had found on the internet with Tracy about cancer or chronic bronchitis.  It was September now and she just seemed to get worse and worse. And now we had cloudy, murky fluid with black specs being sent to a lab to check for cancer.  And the best we could hope for was chronic bronchitis. 

I went to church that Wednesday night by myself.  We were practicing for a Christmas cantata and she was working late.   I didn't really feel like singing but I wanted to be in church.  My mind was not on singing,  it was on her and what she was doing just now.  I glanced down to where she would normally be standing wishing she was there with me and she was there!  She had came in and I didn't see her.  She just smiled at me and I could see she too was glad to be in church.   

After we came home I asked her and our daughter to come sit on the bed and talk.  I told them about all the information I had found on cancer and lung disease.  I discussed the symptoms and the treatments.  I wanted to make it sound okay but I just didn't know how.  It was just where we were in our life.  I felt as if I had let her down.  I could not take this from her and the only one that could ask to help her I felt unworthy to ask. I had just a couple months earlier realized how I had not served Him as I should and now I was going to ask for  His help.  I prayed I guess but I felt unworthy.  Very unworthy.

 TO BE CONTINUED................................................................................................................>>>