Bill Phillip's | Transformation

another big heart pounding step for me

ok folks...this transformation thing is kinda startling me a bit.

for years i have had an online presence...sometimes several blogs and things. no big deal.

i had my real life in 3D and my internet life.

no...i am not gonna tell you i had some seedy thing goin on...hhaaha

but it was as though i kept part of my life portioned off from the rest.

if you met me in real life you would probably only see PART of me.

if you met me online you would probably know MORE of me than if you sat and had coffee with me.

i was freer in my writing than i was in my actual face to face stuff.

so...even this summer i had my real life and my online life

and then about 2 weeks ago they began to MERGE!

my BFL Tracker buddies all started findin each other on facebook and SOMEONE FOUND ME and added me.

and then another...and another...and i started adding them as friends.

uh oh...now my two lives were merging.

and everyone had access to my blogspot blog where i pretty much lay my life out there for all to read and critique or cheer

but so far no one had contacted me thru my blogspot blog.........until the other night ZOOMAN Troy did...

he was bored at work and saw my gracenpeace name on the BFL tracker site and wanted to see if it was the same ME...and followed the link to my blog....and commented, leaving HIS blog address so i could go see HIS blog.

so...now...three, four actually, of my worlds are combining now.........

today i am taking an even bolder step........phone.

heart beating wildly i put my phone number out there in the comment section of my previous blogpost.

i have to admit...the heart is still beating wildly with the thought that perhaps someone actually might call me!

and then...i will have to be me.

i will have to be the ME that i show online (which is more real most of the time than the breathing me) but now...because of what this past 18 weeks has done for me...

i am really gaining confidence in ME and WHO I AM...INTEGRATED....i dont have to hide myself anymore.

i dont have to sit silently or  hide in other questions rather than answer them because i dont know how you will react or judge me.

i am finally free to be me.

whole.

healed.

ME....

(so if you do call and i sound sorta surprised and edgy...you will know why...putting 44 years of hiding to rest might take a call or two to practice in)

love you all

i couldnt have done it without you.

            ~grace and peace to you~   

                          maryann

 ps..the funny thing is...i am not really "shy" per se, i can take a microphone and talk to a crowded room...but the whole time i am doing it there has always been this voice inside saying things...i was STILL hiding a part of ME behind a wall....and now.... i am not.

i am me.