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Marikha's Blog

Assignment #5

Three People I can count on for unconditional, nonjudgental support throughout my Transformation are:My daughter, MaryMy nephew, TonyMy granddaughter, MarihaSomeone I can call at 3am is TonyThe one that is working to achieve transformationis MaryI don't have a support group and I'm quite dissconnectedfrom the community because I've had contractors in the house for the last 6 months. Now I hate excuses but this isn't a excuse, there is no possibl...

March 17, 2010 | comments (0) | Uncategorized

I hope they aren't kidding

The contractors tell me they will be gone in 7 days, so now it's crunch time, time to put things back in the cupboards and even though I have 3 times more space I've run out of room.  But I'll figure it out.  I just keep doing loads in the dishwasher and putting stuff away.  I can not wait to get my life back, to be concentrated on my transformation.  My eating isn't great but it isn't horrid either, I do not eat candy, fried ...

March 5, 2010 | comments (0) | Uncategorized

There's nothing left of me, don't get me wrong there's still a ton of fat

but emotionally I am at a all time low. The Lord has been testing me and I've been failing miserably, He shows me don't cry, look at this, this is so much worse, your sorrows are nothing, in fact they are blessings waiting to bloom.  I know how I'm supposed to be, I just can't get there from here, I cry and cry and cry.  I went to make tea and poured boiling water down my leg, not only that I dropped the paper, and when I went to pick i...

February 18, 2010 | comments (2) | Uncategorized

Assingment 6

Three examples of uncertain thoughts I have experienced so far in this challenge process which have caused me to delay or procrastinate are:What's the use, it's to hard for me to accomplish any progress. I'm to old to do this. I'm to sick to do this.Three new empowering thoughts which I can shift my attention to are:If I just keep moving towards what I want, I will get there. Lapses or fails are just stepping stones to pole vault me into a ...

February 15, 2010 | comments (0) | Uncategorized

Assignment 5

Three people I can count on for unconditional, nonjudgmental support throughout my Transformation are:Example: Mary Mary, AnnabellaSomeone I can call at 3:00 AM to share something which is weighing on my heart is: Any Volunteer's?Someone who is working to achieve their transformation goals whom I can count on to keep me accountable, in a caring and respectful way, and encourage me to do the work I need to do to achieve the results I'm working tow...

February 15, 2010 | comments (0) | Uncategorized

Warning: Graphic, Violent story

I was a itty bitty gal, my guess is around 4 years old and what I saw that day there was just no way to process, it haunts me still.   The family men were in the garage and my dad told me no matter what I heard I was not to open the door.   I stood outside the door and I heard cries, death cries and moans of a hellish nature, I actually wondered what kind of man my father was, all he had to do was mention my name and I cried, he abs...

February 15, 2010 | comments (0) | Uncategorized

I think we are just past 1/2 way

through our home renovation.  Oh the tears I've shed and the rants and screaming, the frustration, and the insight.  How many of you out there are happy and don't know it?  The deepest wound of this whole fiasco is how sorry I am that I disrupted our lives, and things will never get back to normal, long after the contractors are gone there will be things I need to put away, and things I'll never see again.  I have a new beauti...

February 12, 2010 | comments (1) | Uncategorized

1 year til the big 60

What an amazing thing to be changing myself at 59.  Who cares what took so long or how emotionally scary it is, just by starting transformation I've put a end to wondering what I really want or what I am going to do about my life.  My son (and I suspect my daughter) think that my addiction to pain pills might be hindering my path.  He goes on and on and on about it and really very badly wants me to cut way back on my doses.  W...

February 9, 2010 | comments (1) | Uncategorized

Holy assingments Batman I did #4

After careful consideration, The Big Hurt and the offender involved, whom I still hold a resentment towards can be described as:A collection of people that my brain jumps back and forth between, trying to lay things to rest, after long since stopping to try to understand, even though the question to understand is still there, I don't waste time anymore trying to figure it out.The first offender I can't remember, I only remember feeling touched an...

February 5, 2010 | comments (4) | Uncategorized

Assingment 3

After careful consideration I admit my lowest level habit isOvereating the things I overeat.Yes I agree to free myself from my unhealthy habitI am asking for help fromMyself, God and t.com 3 unhealthy feelings that come from my unhealthy habitbewilderment, isolation, lack of self respect3 things that manifest from my unhealthy habitBad health, agony, pain, tears, holding in things I should say, my life falling away into dust, the manifestati...

January 31, 2010 | comments (2) | Uncategorized

Bubble List

The opposite of a bucket list, not a list of things to do before I die but a list of things to live to do. There are many things I want to see but high on my list are the Grand Canyon and I want to go to a planetarium and look through a high powered telescope and see the night sky.  It's funny but I started every relationship with "if I say yes will you promise to someday take me to a planetarium" to which I always heard "...

January 29, 2010 | comments (1) | Uncategorized

I don't think I am as bad off as I thought I was

I still have arthritis, congestive heart failure, diabetes, allergies, asthma and various other maladies, I must confess what I didn't have was hope.  Then the renovations began, and the tears flowed, day after day after day I am left without the emotional fortitude to carry on, but every morning, and every late night, I pack, I move, I lift, I work and work and work, then my grand daughter comes and helps me and we really work.  Where ...

January 27, 2010 | comments (3) | Uncategorized

The quiet early morning hours

My grand daughter is visiting and will be waking up soon, I have been getting up early since my home renovation started, usually I stay up all night and go to sleep around 5am, but with workers showing up at 7-10, I get up early to make my self presentable such as it is.  My kitchen is gutted right now, I won't have a sink until next week, it's like camping, only without the pristine lake and mouth watering trout, or the crack of pine needle...

January 23, 2010 | comments (2) | Uncategorized

Psssst over here, it's me................

I'm writing to you from renovation central, dust is the word of the day, I should be smart like my dog Romeo and stay under the covers it's 4:30 now and the last time he was up it was around 10am, I think he's on to something.    Anyway, I'm well, I'm doing great on my diet and exercise  but I've had to be more gentle 'cause I ripped a muscle in my chest, I never ripped a muscle before, when it happens you know exactly what it is, ...

January 13, 2010 | comments (1) | Uncategorized

Week 2

3 people I count on  Mary_Mary (my daughter), my grandchildren and my son.   Mary of course is the strongest supporter because she knows what it takes, I rely on her a great deal. 3 people who may not support me  I can't think of any, though I may come back later. 3 places that empower me.  Well I'm getting my home renovated, everything will be new and clean and lovely, I'll be able to handle cleaning and every day a...

January 11, 2010 | comments (1) | Uncategorized

Week 1

Where I am now with my photo: Looking at it I am certain that is not the gal I want to be.  I realize I've been stating that I'm happy with my life, but that's not true, I'm happy that I am alive, but in my life I want to be different, I long as I always have to be closer to God, I crave the peace and comfort that it brings.  I demand of myself to find a way to have less pain.  I recently got some resistance bands, if I don't use t...

January 4, 2010 | comments (3) | Uncategorized

Learning to use my inner resources

I was hidden in the garage crying over the stress of renovation when I realized I had to find a way out.  The first thing I thought of was how would this experience be if my mother was still alive and I knew the answer to that, we'd be laughing hysterically at the sillyness of it all.  Then I thought about all the physical things I've survived, realizing that though this is hurting me, I'll get over it, then the third thing the one that...

December 28, 2009 | comments (1) | Uncategorized

This will either be my end or my beginning....................

Life from my wheelchair is challenging, helping contractors renovate my home is beyond words or imagination.  My pain is at a all time high, my nerves have never been so tested.  I cry all the time and I'm sure for the rest of my life every time some one mentions renovation I'll tear up.   I have so many maladies that listing or reading them would be a bore, but I have things that help me through, creams, medicines, braces, lu...

December 26, 2009 | comments (0) | Uncategorized

Is this me? Are you sure? How can you tell?

I'm taking a break from working on packing and washing and cleaning and moving stuff around.  I declared that I was Queen today and told the grandchildren we aren't working, we'll work tomorrow, then I asked my grand daughter when she knew I wouldn't be able to work today and she said "when you got up".  I am so sore and in so much body trama!  The first night, my body trembled when I laid down the second and third nights...

December 19, 2009 | comments (0) | Uncategorized

The afterglow of kindness

I don't know what it is about the event mentioned in my previous blog that has me still very heart warmed.  There's doing a good deed for people, there's being kind to people then there is making a mark on their heart that lasts a life time.  I will never forget the man that helped me to the car, not that he loaded the car, or even that he helped me from the chair to the car, but that he whispered prayers, that he wished for me to rise ...

December 13, 2009 | comments (2) | Uncategorized

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Marikha

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