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Mellie's post
"Attachment Disorder"
I have been doing a lot of thinking about a conversation I had with someone last night at the ball game. Her job is working with people with attachment disorders. I thought how interesting. How do you deal with that and what exactly classifies a person as having this disorder? Is it circumstances, behaviors, loss? I think about how many of us here probably have attachment disorders of one level of severity or another. I mean, realistically speaking, many of us did not begin this road to unhealthy choices because we were thrilled to pieces with our lives. Most of us are, or were harboring anger, fear, resentment – we suffered abuse, rape, neglect – we felt the need for love and lacked those needs being fulfilled, bringing us to a very unhealthy place in our lives. Spiritually, mentally and physically.
So what a great thing to help children learn to move past that place of abused trust into trusting again. Allowing them, in time, to open their hearts and their minds to those around them, believing that they are loved and safe. Trust is a very difficult thing to earn once broken so I was thinking this must be a very long process between either adopted parents, foster parents, or even birth parents and children to re-establish bonds never formed or broken.
We are fragile and at an early age messages can be received that can create this attachment disorder. “Come here, go away, but don’t go too far because I don’t want you to be independent – you must rely on me – and not show your strength” just as an example. Or, like in my case I remember there were many times I had horrific nightmares and I needed the love of my parents to make me feel safe and their sleep was more important, telling me to go back to bed in the most annoyed tone they could muster up, with no words to comfort my fears. Simple things like that teach us, we’re on our own, we can’t rely on others, thus no attaching…does this create a disorder? A life time of distrust, and keeping people at arms length?
How do those early messages affect the person we are today? In our relationships with our children, our parents, our siblings, our spouse or co-workers.
Part of what I have seen over time is those with that “disorder” tend to wait, wait for the person they are allowing into their life on one level or another to screw up so they can fully detach and say “HA!!!!!! I told you so!! THIS is why I trust no one”. It’s simply a protection mechanism….how sad is that? Protecting from what? The chance to be happy. To love. To trust. To allow.
I know I’ve done it in my life…I expected the worst and often I created the worst without even realizing what I was doing. We create unrealistic expectations of others (personally that’s why I believe most marriages fail….we look to others for OUR happiness, we make THEM responsible – an unrealistic expectations – creating almost certain failure).
I heard a quote once that goes “ Growth means change and change involves RISK, stepping from the known to the unknown”~ how true that is ~ Sometimes easier said then done. I imagine for the children she works with there is great risk in allowing the attachment to take place, just as many of us today find it not so easily done ~ but with risk comes rewards if we’re only able to see past this moment and hope for better things.
Thankfully some children and getting the help from people like the woman I spoke with last night, hopefully changing their fate in terms of how the relate to others and form healthy relationships and boundaries. For most of us here, thankfully we have these 18 steps and the unconditional support of each other to do that now. Better late than never, and I am grateful for the learning and growing process I have been through here to allow those risks to be taken.
Learn to trust. Open your heart. Allow others in and don’t make those in your life today pay for the mistakes others made before them. There is such a thing as healthy attachments ~ trust that they do exist and gift your life and the lives of others by doing so.
But when you are the one being trusted, by a friend, spouse, family member ~ treat that trust like it is a fragile ornament, if dropped it gets broken, and putting it back together can be very tedious and sometimes impossible ~ so be gentle, compassionate, understanding, and unconditional – respecting that trust as you want others to.
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Great post Mellie. I know I have some sort of attachment disorder to unhealthy things and people. Thanks for encouraging me.
In Your own words...(Learn to trust. Open your heart. Allow others in and don’t make those in your life today pay for the mistakes others made before them. There is such a thing as healthy attachments ~ trust that they do exist and gift your life and the lives of others by doing so.)---- I wanted to believe that with you, I finally let my guard down and trusted again with you. I let go of my fears opened my heart and I trusted and loved you. thank you for being my freind for a brief moment in time. I hope your life is good. I wish only the best for you. take care. U R missed. I concidered you one of my friends. Maybe in your mind it was a unhealthy attachment? Not sure? I hope your mom stays healthy, because that pain of loss is a total bitch to deal with. I felt the loss all over again with the rejection of our friendship. Good bye Mellie. take care
wow! thanks Mellie, great post!!!!
Hi Mellie What an amazing post you have written and certainly one from the heart. I’m not sure if you were asking or just asking yourself the question but here goes anyway. Attachment is the deep and lasting connection between a child and caregiver in the early years of life. It affects a child’s development and his or her ability to express emotions and develop relationships into the future. A child with an insecure attachment or an attachment disorder doesn’t have the skills necessary to build meaningful relationships however, with the right tools, a healthy dose of time, effort, patience, love and commitment it is possible to treat and repair attachment difficulties. I see attachment difficulties in my work every day and there is nothing more rewarding in my job than seeing a child learning to cuddle, learning to cry and learning to smile. I have been fortunate not to have suffered the same experiences you have as a child but i know somewhat of why you need to work through these things now. It’s all part of the healing.
Beautifully written!
Your messages contained here are so very powerful. Mellie, you are a brilliant writer and I love reading you. My gears are turning now - with self-reflection and much contemplation. Thank you.
Pat, please don't take my comments as a "lecture." After I read it, I realized it might come across that way. I guess what I was after was to get you to look at the reasons "why" you do this and encourage you to concentrate on forgiving, well, everyone, I guess, for their lack of "trust-worthiness." OK, that may not make a lot of sense, but it's just my thought process working through a very difficult issue. I will be praying about your situation and others like it. At some point in our lives, we all deal with the "trust" issue!
I read somewhere once that when we set other's up to fail, it's not really about them failing. It's more about us believing that we are not worthy to receive their trust, thus we set them up to break it. In other words, we've been hurt so many times that we become comfortable with it, expect it, and so we perpetuate the problem. Trust involves forgiveness - one of Bill's best chapters, btw. For those closest to us, we must be willing to forgive unconditionally & that includes forgiving ourselves! Protecting our "inner circle" is what friends & family are all about. However, there are some people who, even though you must forgive them, still don't have the right to your complete "trust" (for example a cheating ex-spouse.) It is completely acceptable to not trust those who have proven themselves "untrustable" time after time. It is not acceptable to not forgive (even if it takes years to do so.) So take a good look at those you are not trusting. Are they in your "inner circle" or are they people who simply come in and out of your life? Are they people who deserve to be trusted? If they are, then only you can make the choice to break the cycle! Transformation takes place when we CHOOSE to make it happen!
I believe that trust once broken can never be repaired. It can be 'glued' or 'bandaged', but it will never be complete again. This is perhaps the only 'absolute' belief that I have. As you know, I struggle with this issue, and I know that it is this absolute belief that keeps me from becoming the person I was meant to be. I set people up to fail, thus proving me correct -- no one is to be completely trusted -- and yet, because I know this to be true, (it's part of being human), I don't understand my disappointment in the proof. Hmmm I just found a bit of logic to argue with myself over..... Wow! What a convoluted comment I just wrote!! Thank you for the insight, Mellie, and thank you for your unconditional support! :)
Mellie...your message on my profile helped me cope with the current tragedy. Interestingly, your blog here is perfect because trust also is risking putting one's self "out there" and trusting that, perhaps, even one person cares. You and others in this community have proven that the risk was worth it. I'm not alone...there is support, understanding and prayers. God bless you, Mellie and thank you so much for caring. Risa
I was reading your blog when you sent me the 11:11 message (lol) so amazing. Fantastic blog Mellie, very well written, trust is a hard thing to gain back when broken, very true, I think the most powerful thing for me to learn is to trust myself and when I do that from a secure inner knowing I create experiences that create great change in my life to help me grow and expand. Trusting ourselves knowing all is well allows for safety and security in all our experiences. Love you. Hugs. Thia
Mellie - Thank you for the great post and reminder. Trust is so difficult to give away freely when you have been taught from an early age it is unsafe to give to anyone. There are days when I think I am doing well and days like today that I need the reminder. HUGS! McKenna
What a great share, Mellie! Reading this was both heartwarming and a reminder (for me at least) to be more aware of how I receive people and how much I allow myself to open up. My comfort zone is to be a pretty private person, but if I let myself get too comfortable I'll just shut others out. Better to challenge myself (and grow).
Well written! Thank you for your insight.
Very Nice and many of your observations hit home for me. ~Dave
What a beautiful post and as Lisa commented very thought provoking. In the short time I have been on this site I have been amazed at how open everyone is. It has helped me to be able to post and blog and feel. I am very grateful for that. - Sandy
Trust: The foundation for everything we hold dear. The more we're able to proactively get out in front of things the better we become at scattering the accumulating particles before they become daunting obstacles. Children are incredibly resilient and adaptable and yet fragile. Molding and shaping them to be loving, compassionate and patient will serve them well their entire lives. Wonderful share Mellie.
Great food for thought!!! I think it is profound how some people rise above a "disorder" and some continue to live within its defining boundries. I choose to rise and become better and more whole. Its wonderful to have people like you to share it the journey with. I am just blessed to have found the community and given myself over to the process. Trust in others begins from a healthy sense of self and respect for self and others. Hope your weekend is amazing!!!
What a beautiful and thought-provoking post. I believe in healthy attachment....Tcom is mine. :-) I am grateful for this community, which has healed so many parts of my soul that were damaged by situations similar to what you describe. I have learned that I am not a "pain in the butt", but a special person to be loved and adored....and more importantly, to love and adore others. Unconditional love is what kids need more than anything, For a long time I have fallen into that same pattern of acting like my kids were a burden, but every day since transformation I have been working on it. It is still a work in progress, but with the support of this community, I am becoming the best Mom I can be. Thank you for sharing! Lisa