Bill Phillip's | Transformation

Elusive Love

I wrote last week that my husband and I are going through some difficult financial times, as his construction business is slower than it has ever been.  I wrote about how the metaphor of running up my hill every morning has reminded me of the strength that I have to push through uncomfortable circumstances, and of the joy that always results when I do so.  This morning I had another epiphany, for it takes more than just effort to transform.  It takes the right attitude as well. 

I am ashamed to say that as my husband and I have been facing tough financial times and difficult choices, love has  not been the attitude that has been strongest in my house.  Today I was reminded of the love that I do feel in my heart, and of the love I know my husband feels for me.

I realized this morning that love exists independently from my circumstances.  It's not something to access in good times, and put away when life becomes a bit challenging.  Love is who I am.  It is the place from where I live.  It is the lens through which I see - both in good times and times I consider difficult.  It never changes.  It never goes away.  It is a constant in my life.

So where has it been?  For lately, love has felt awfully far away.  Love, although always available, does have the ability to become elusive.  And what determines those times?  I realized that whether I live in love, or not, is determined by what only I control – my attitudes, my reactions, and my beliefs about my circumstances. 

When  I feel anger about my circumstances – love is difficult to find.  When I feel fear – love makes itself hidden.  When I feel unworthy – love supports that notion by making itself scarce. But I realized that love never leaves me.  It just hides itself from view.   

How do you live in love, especially when circumstances are eliciting very real reactions of fear, doubt, anger, and unworthiness?  The first thing I did was to embrace my circumstances, a strange thing to do when these are circumstances I would rather not choose.  But they are what is so, and they are mine.  I can ignore them.  I can pretend they don’t exist.  I can rename them.  I can try to convince myself that I believe them to be temporary, when right now I don’t feel that way.  But the truth is, the longer I delay seeing them for what they are, the longer they will remain unchanging.  For what is resisted most definitely persists.

Being unwilling to live in the truth of what is so – I have been perpetuating deceit, and it is this deceit that provides the fodder for maintaining darkness.  Within darkness, nothing of the light can ever be found.  Darkness simply perpetuates more of itself.  Such is the nature of that beast.

So my alternative is to embrace the circumstances of my life - the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.  Life is not a game of picking and choosing only those circumstances that we find appealing.  We get all of them.  But all of them are ultimately for our health and renewal.  We just tend to forget that growing pains are part of transformation.     

So what is next for me?  I’ve looked my circumstances squarely in the eyed, and have embraced them, and have acknowledged the truth about them.  Many of my current circumstance I cherish, and there are some I would prefer to be different.  Both statements are the truth.  I am finally seeing them for what they are.  By shedding light on dark circumstances they can begin to heal. 

And I can live in love - in spite of uncomfortable circumstances.  I can give away love, in spite of uncertain circumstances.  I can receive love, in spite of living in circumstances that fill me with doubt.  For love is the great healer.  But first, I  need to acknowledge that I hurt. 

Somehow, this morning, the world looks a little bit clearer than it did yesterday.  As I focus on the love in my heart, and the love in my life, and the love and partnership I have with my husband, it just feels a little bit brighter as well.

With LOVE,

Rev. Jude