View Profile / Photos / Videos / Blog / T-Friends
Sharen's post
The Rest of the Story - Why I Gave the Money to Denise Taylor and her Family
I was told to. That is the short answer. . . . . . .
With the anniversary of Jonnae’s earthly departure and heavenly birth approaching, I felt it time to release the rest of the story. Of how the decision to offer Bill's donation prize to their family came to be.
At first, I couldn’t make sense of it, maybe even refused to in some way. Then feared what others might think if they knew. Heck, I feared what I thought for a while! I no longer care what my egoic self wants to think, or anyone else for that matter! I know in my heart and every fiber of my being all that unveiled happened as it was meant to happen.
When I ‘met’ Denise and Jonnae, it was online, January 2008, on the old (or original) Transformation board. It was a simple message board, one single ongoing thread. It was here I found a mother dedicated to posting daily updates of their life and challenges with leukemia. I couldn’t read them. I glanced over the posts and purposefully refused to let her words reach my eyes, and ultimately, my heart.
Why?
I didn’t know it at the time, but I was selfish. Afraid to feel. By allowing myself to get wrapped up in the pain of someone else’s life meant I had to face the pains in my own. I was angry and jealous and guilt ridden. From wishing I had been loved like that, questioning and comparing why I had not, and the gruesome reality of how I was treating my own relatively healthy children. I didn’t want to face shame, that here was a mother doing anything she could to save her daughter when I had been guilty of taking life for granted and throwing it away.
So, as the old saying goes, out of sight out of mind, right?
Not this time.
Though I refused to take in her words, I was very well aware of Denise’s presence. Every day, Denise continued to post; through the radiation, hospital stays, hospital cafeteria temptations, ungodly early morning workouts, and often times, tears. It was very late one night towards the end of my initial challenge that I decided reading their story was a something I needed to confront. I don’t think I was completely prepared for what was about to come.
I went back and read every single post submitted by Denise, from the beginning. To say reading the posts were painful hardly describes the effect of reading her words. Yet whatever I felt was nothing to the weight of emotions on this brave mother facing and feeling more than I hope to never know. I was stunned at Denise’s strength and unyielding faith, something I had turned my back on in much less grave of circumstances. I continued to read; waterfalls pouring from my eyes. I began to feel ‘how dare you cry! They are the ones facing the pains!' As I read on, I realized those tears were not for them, but for me. Denise and Jonnae had figured out how to spiritually champion their way through leukemia. Their faith in God, that this earthly existence was not the ultimate reward it was our trial, was amazing and confusing. Jonnae, a brave 15 year old girl, had been sent to teach us to face our lives and all its demons with faith, courage, acceptance, forgiveness and love. The sobs were for me, for a life not well lived. Through their words, they helped me have the courage to take that next step, to look deeper, that good hard honest to the core look at ‘me’ and what that meant. That meant I had to admit my lower level behaviors and confront the real cause of guilt, shame, jealousy, resentment and fear. The real cause was ‘me’…
It was now the wee hours of the next morning and I was still reading. The sun was just about to wake up and start a new day. I was now empty of tears. That is when I heard “give them the money.” At this point, having been awake almost all night, going through the wringer result of self-realization, I figured I was just really tired and the weariness was messing with my mental state.
I ‘heard’ it again. “Give them the money.”
I remember laughing, saying out-loud “what money!?” The answer that came back was firm.
“The money that you win.”
A few short weeks later. . .
I bet you can finish the story.
Remember now, that I did not do the challenge to win. I did not even believe I was eligable. My goal was simply that if it was time for me to leave this earth I wanted to do it in peace and have my children remember a happy and loving mommy.
I did try to deny what had happened that night. Resisted it. When that call came in from Coach, to say I had won, (ok - yes I was shocked and jumped around the house for hours
) he asked what I wanted to do with the charity money. I couldn't answer. There is a charity dear to my heart I wanted to send the money to. But I knew better. When Terry and the film crew came to my house, I had finally accepted "the message". I asked if it was ok to give the money to Denise. Approval granted, Terry put in the call to Denise. This was mid-May and the first of many times I would speak with Denise. Jonnae was in the hospital. Denise by her side. The prognosis? It was time. I will never forget that moment. A few short weeks later, (June 9th) )Jonnae flew up to heaven with golden wings, blowing kisses to us all.
It’s pretty damn amazing what we start to hear once we begin to listen.
Are you going through your life paying attention?
There is a much bigger picture out through the window than the one staring back from the mirror. Face that reflection and guide it in the right direction. Let me know what you start hearing.
Sharen
Categories
Text Size
very beautiful and inspiring!!! ~grace~
Heavy!
Wow Sharen, what a story! I don't know how I missed it. Thank you for sharing!! Loved it.
I love this and can relate to a lot o it. I am so glad you have realized and learned alll of what yu have learned- You opened your heart - we become childlike once that happens and are able to recieve messages without all the background noise/clutter. We are able to trust what we hear and accept it. I find now that I am older I am no longer able to listen to or hear the messages being sent to me as I once did. My heart is to cold-dark-torn-afraid-sheltered-protected, you name it. I too want to listen- I am ready for the transformation. Thanks for your story Kim : )
Beautiful Sharen so glad you listened!! Marty
I am moved to tears by your story - and most powerfully by your words "it's pretty damn amazing what we start to hear when we begin to listen." thank you so much for the generosity of your spirit. knowing that people like you are out there brings me endless comfort. ~taura
wonderful story Sharen. I had no idea. That is amazing. Thank you for sharing! Love Ami
so many things I want to say, yet these tears keep clouding my vision. there. that's better. Sharen, a few weeks ago, we faced something that was very difficult to share with our friends and family - for their hearts were brought pain just like ours - what I found was that the tears of others helped me - it was like others were helping to lighten the load on our hearts. Knowing others care that much that it touches that reservoir of their hearts is an amazing gift that heals! ~~Love MaryPat
Wow... chills.... ;) Love you Sharen!!!!
And Sharen...I believe every word. :) Friday night, I happened to take some time to read some blogs (as you request of your A teams) and happened upon Denise's blog...and website honoring her daughter. I watched the video. I read several posts. I ended up getting a GET TO bracelet. And I went to sleep that night with the sobering effect resulting from the amazing life those two shared together and with the world. I felt priviledged...and embarrassed. I have so much work to do, and I thank people like Denise and her daughter...and you for helping me discover more of what is possible. Kisses. ~Brooke
Hi Sharen, you're in trouble.....I just stopped by to say Hi and I miss you all and now I'm leakingLOL Tears of compassion and love for you and Denise.....thank you for being you. Love and Trust in the Process, Rhonda
beautiful story Sharen, thanks for sharing....Thia
You have such a HUGE heart.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ... message received!!!!!
Sharen, it is with tears rolling down my face that I write this. You are truly a champion. Thanks for sharing that story.
Sharen, wow! I had no idea! What an amazing post and amazing people! Thanks for Sharing. ~Bobby G
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! what a Beautiful Message! Love YOU Shari
What a beautiful story and told with such compassion and conviction,knowing when the good Lord speaks to us we are to listen, and he will take care of the rest. Michelle
Beautiful Sharen....thanks for sharing this...just beautiful. So many times the answer to things is right in us. Great reminder to slow down, be still, and just to listen. The answers and the truths are right there. ~Heather
Thank you for sharing this. I could really use a good lesson in "it doesn't matter what other people think". You write beautifully - your post truly touched me.
Beautiful sharing! Deep and rich experience....God's richest blessings upon you. V
It's funny how when we get quiet enough we can hear that small, still voice. Love you, Mona
Thank you for sharing this with us Sharen. I do my best to listen each day and move forward as directed :) Love you!
thank you so much for sharing this!
Thank you Sharen for sharing! Tara
Bless you! And, by the way, you can't out give God! He always wins in the giving department! When you are faithful in your giving he rewards you with MORE to be faithful with!
You are my champion!!! I love you and thank you for sharing this!
This is beautiful, Sharen. The view from the window is getting better and better. You have such a beautiful way of stating the most powerful messages. This is one of your very best. Love it and love you, Jackie
Awesome story!!!! I LOVE Denise!
You are my Hero and I LOVE you!~Sheridan
Love you sis and thanks for sharing this awesome story...Coach
Sharen what an awesome post. It brings me back to reality and to realize how truely selfish I am and I think that is the lowest habbit I have. Thank you for your post.~Gary
Sharen, just when I look up to you that you are a Champion and you are truly Transformed...bam! you are still learning and teaching. Thank you so much for posting this, this is a beautiful, painful, profound lesson for all of us, and it is beautifully written. Thank you for your inspiration...and for releasing a couple of pent-up tears. Christa
Sharen, I did not know you gave your money to Denise. That is simply beautiful. Man, Denise is just awesome. I know she just went through a rough time, but I love her. Thank you for sharing this. Man, I got a little teary eyed over it. Great post as always.
What an amazing post Sharen. A cold hard look in the mirror can truly be enlightening. You are a living example of God's true Intentions for us. Thanks for sharing this with us.
simply beautiful thank you for sharing this.
Add Your Comment