Bill Phillip's | Transformation

Doing Some Reflective Thinking

     Praise the Lord for all of the beautiful weather. It's been mild so far. Hope it last this way for awhile. Amen Tim.

      The last few weeks for me has been something of a blur. The days seems to wizz by and turn into weeks and months. Trying very very hard to have progress daily on all of my goals and dreams. All in all I've stayed very low key and have felt the less said the better around the family. They (family) just don't seem to get that there is consequences to actions and things that are said. 

     All in all everything that has transpired between me and my oldest daughter has blown over. We've both said or peace and asked God's foregiveness. I"ve received a ticket from one of the Sheriffs and haft to appear before the court the day after Thanksgiving. At that time I'll be getting a lawyer and finding out how to proceed and what is going to happen. At this point have put worring about it much out of my mind. Not that it's not a big deal. Dwelling on it and having bad feelings and thoughts really is not going to gain me a thing or make me any better. All that is going to happen will come with time. 

   The thing that I think is important at this time is to continue to have faith and to show the girls how I can persevere throgh the situation with my faith in the Lord. In all of this it seems as if every one around me has a bigger plan or a plan for me. Like I've always stated. Since becoming sick with depression and poor health it seems as if my life has been controlled by the people around me and not myself. I've strived to improve daily and to become better in spirit and body. Overall though I live in my parents house and they control what goes on here. 

   I've got a bedroom that is mine. In that bedroom I control the things that I can control. It's been a place of solutude for me. I can listen to music and watch movies that I want to watch. In my diet I've worked hard to distance myself from things that don't need to be put into my body. There is a weight set in my room that I use to do variouse work outs. Plus I've got bibles to read and things that inspire me to become better daily. Since the incedent with Robin I've pretty much divorced myself from trying to get the kids to do anything or to tell them anything. 

   Robin and Kathy have shown and proven that they have no respect for their elders or the people around them. They also have no respect for anything that we've ever provided for them. They have a home and vehicles that is beautiful and paid for. They've said that the place sucks and we do too. Seems as if they've made their intentions clear to me. I've not stopped loving them or stopped being a dad to them. The situation has become pretty tough for me to handle. But handling it in a negative or bad way will just promote it to becoming worse. Figure because they want to be selfish and stupid, that that don't give me a reason to act or be the same way. All of that just shows how insucure they are about where they live and who they are. It's a sad thing to see actually. 

   Someday there will come a time where all of this will come back around. Me changing or trying to change them or explain things to them has not worked over the last 15 years. Figure it's time to sit back and let the situation take care of itself. With time and patience and wisdom the situation will work itself out. 

   As for the court thing figure that will play out how it needs to play out. My heart has been hurt greatly. With the Lord's help and help from my friends I'm begging to mend that hurt and fix it. That to will take some time. It's just a matter of staying perseverent and faithfull in my walk with the Good Lord. He will make the way and get me through it. 

   Well the family has been a little sick. Robin has been home for two days from school. Mom and Dad have been coughing and feeling really bad. Yesterday I stayed in my room reading the bible most of the day. My councelor (PSR, Shirley) came and picked me up at 10 am. We went into town and had a Wendsday ritual of fat free hot chochlate at Awesome Augies. We like going there because we talk about things in the Bible. Ruth owns the place. She is the pastors wife at the Tabernacle. She also leads us in bible study on Sunday before the main seromons begins. 

     Today at 3:45 PM we have an appointment with my main councelor Jason. We start family counceling at A to Z. Up to know we've done it a few times with really no good results. Basically everything that is blamefull has been put on to me. Jason says it because I'm the lowest one in the family and that every one can blame me because I'm easy to blame.  Every one deflects anything that is wrong my way. It been really a bad experience to be in the middle of all of the family. 

    The family has two PSR Councelors, (Shirley & Shelly). What I'm trying to do is to get the two councelors to have their time with the family and to try to get most of what needs discussed and worked out done in their time that they are here. What they are finding is that there is no way to have accountabiltiy for actions or chores that are not done. The kids get everything they want and are waited on. So they really have no desire to change their paths or attitude. 

   For years now I've told my mom not to hand made over the kids. Make them do their own laundry and make their own meals and clean their own dishes and rooms. Thus they learn that their really is responsible things that they can do for themselves. Up to know the kids have basically got away with whatever they want. When I ask them to do something they get mad and create a big fight so that my father gets involved and says that I'm stupid and wrong to ask the kids to help. Guesse thats why they basically think it's okay not to haft to do anything around here. 

   Over the years I've found it very hard to deal with the family because they one don't listen and two they get away with murder because they can justify their worries away. It's been a system that puts me on the bottom and basically defeats having a system of responsible duties. All in all I've been treated like a kid from my own kids. It's been nothing but horrible to haft to tolerate this treatment over the years. 

   Well my father is here and told me to get off the computer. Wish you all the best for the holidays. Can not waite to go to our church and have dinner as a church for Thanksgiving. Amen to that. 

2008-11-20

13:29:20