THE BIG FORGIVE
"I met him five years after the tragedy. And it took many hours of consideration because you don't know how you're going to react when you come face to face with your son's... with your child's killer," explains a soft-spoken man, Azim Khamisa.
"I remember looking into his eyes for a very long time, trying to find a murderer in him that I could be angry with. But I didn't see a murderer in him. I looked in his eyes and I saw another soul, much like me, much like you."
Azim asked for and was granted permission to visit the imprisoned, former teenage gang member who murdered his 20-year-old son named Tariq, then a student at San Diego State University.
"What I saw in this tragedy was that my son was the victim of the gang member and that the gang member was a victim of society. We've created this society. So I felt as an American I must take my share of the responsibility for the bullet that took my son's life. I'm Azim Khamisa and I forgave my son's killer."
This remarkable father's courageous act of compassion displays an ability that most might find hard to fathom. He's given the matter much thought.
"You know you think about it... why have some important real estate of your psyche occupied with somebody who has hurt you? Why not forgive and release that real estate so love and joy can live there."
Azim continues, "Not all of us have to reach out to the family of our son's killer, or to our child's killer. Very often the issues are divorce, business partners, family disagreements, all kinds of situations in our society that you can reach out and forgive, but do it with love and compassion. It's important to acknowledge our feelings and there's a lot of emotions to work through. We need to reach the point where we give up all the resentment and let it go. There's a saying, 'Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for your enemy to die,' and I believe that."
Profound insight from a man who seemingly has every reason to see things in just the opposite light. His forgiveness isn't just lip service. It's from the heart.
"We regularly communicate by letter. He didn't really have a father. He was born to a 15 year old. I have kind of taken the father role to him," Khamisa reaches over to unfold a letter from the man he's forgiven and begins to read, "I'm writing you to wish you a happy Father's Day." He's deeply moved by the sentiment.
This forgiving father has since quit his job as a successful international investment banker to work full-time in the foundation named after his son, the Tariq Khamisa Foundation. Its mission is to break the cycle of youth violence by empowering and teaching the principles of non-violence, forgiveness and peace making. So far the foundation has reached over eight million at-risk youths with its inspiring message.
His son's killer is up for parole in 2027. When asked if he'll be there for him when gets out he responds, "Absolutely. I actually offered him a job when I met him. I forgave him but I also told him, 'When you come out, you have a job at the foundation.' And we look forward to that day when he can join us because I know that he would save many more lives."
Audio Coaching
Listen to Bill Phillips describe in detail, key parts of this Assignment which will help you make progress this week.
Right click here and select Save As to Download MP3
Transformation Video
Denver Gala 2009
Before & After Photos
Chris from Nevada became 123 lbs. lighter in 2009.
Comments
I thought Week 3 was challenging. Oh my, will this get easier at some point? I'm feeling emotional overload ...
I think I will have a book written on the big hurts by the time I am done!
Wow...this is a hard assignment and kinda made me look at my main thing deeper then I've done in the past. I'm so stuck! I have forgiven the origianal offender years ago but have never forgiven myself and don't know how to be honest. It happened so long ago I was in shape, beautiful and respected myself, hopes and dreams then. Everything changed and I did forgive him, but have never forgave myself for letting it happen...I feel like such a noob lmao.
Bill thanks for this assignment it made me reach deep down and understand what was the main reason that I was failing . I was hurt years ago and thought that I was over it. But it was very small item that kept me from completing my goals and stumbles. I have a lot of catching up to do. I had almost gave up again but back in the saddle of things. Thanks again Bill.
Bill I did assignment 4. I was so relieved.But then during the next couple weeks,,,this small voice said.."what about your 6th grade teacher"... "it was so far past" i said.. the voice continued..." but you still hold resentment whenever you think of her" the voice said..... I realized that I carry her as a heavy weight in my heart each time I think of her and even when I don't. I worked on that as a new assignment 4. The next day I was taking the dogs out...The same small voice...remember when your dad misunderstood you and punished you and you felt he was wrong and it hurt you terribly ..you've held that too" I have carried so many small hurts... ..I have not thought I was upset about them, but the memory of each one still hurts. One by one they are not so big and not so heavy...but when I stack them all up, they are a load I do not wish to burden myself with. Thank you for this assignment...I imagine I will keep finding things in my heart that need to be forgiven and laid down...I am becoming lighter by the day... Love you, Lynn
Bill, I just finished my big forgive, it was a hard long fought battle to go back that far and dig that deep into my locked away black hole. I can't begin to thank you enough for helping me to unearth the source of so much anger, hurt and frustration. To finally be able to forgive and release these emotions has been like lifting a huge weight off my back. Thanks so much for what you are doing for all of us. ~Ronster
Bill, This was the hardest assignment I've done- but also the best. Thank you , thank you. It's odd once I started writing it out, it was a huge emotional release for me. Since assignment I've been able to have full closure. with gratitude and thaks, Sincerely Teri
I'm a forgiving person but one person I haven't been able to forgive is myself for my past actions. I've been mentaly punishing myself for years and this assignment has helped me so much.
The forgiveness challenge has been the toughest for me. I did not realize how much anger I had in me towards individuals whom I felt had deeply hurt me, until I listened to Bill's audio regarding forgiveness. Wow....I will post my reply shortly.
I am working through forgiving my mom, and I am feeling successful ~ until the next time I talk to her. Then she hurts me again. Anyone else going on a forgiveness continuum with the same person?
The Lord's Prayer Pay special attention to the "trespasses part." we all want forgiveness, but we seem to need a little help to be able to give it.
Bill, this assignment has really cut me open. I just got done writing for 2 hours straight about hurts that I have not really addressed in my entire life. I started all the way from elementary school and worked my way up. I have opened up things I had no idea I had been carrying with me all this time. I am going to share this with my wife, which honestly, is going to be quite difficult for me to do, but I am ready. My workouts have been great, but now I can really feel how the inside is starting to change. Thank you, Bill, for this assignment. It is transforming me now.
Bill, I just finished writing out a 20-page "Big Hurt." Wow - what an assignment! Somewhere along the way I had forgotten the value of writing out the HURT as an essential part of the process of letting it go. But when I saw the words, "The Big Hurt," I felt validated. Somehow it seemed that if I could label it, and get to the point where I could express the pain, that it would all be possible. It has been difficult to embrace forgiveness without first fully expressing the extent of the hurt. Thank you for this assignment! Kimberly
I think I've been subconsciously avoiding this assignment- like many of the folks who've already posted here, I've done forgiveness work in the past, and i've attempted to let go of this particular resentment - but i think there's always been a part of me that wanted to hold on to it... And tonight, as i was reading the assignment and squirming inside (as rage, fear and repulsion were swirling about inside me) - it occurred to me for the very first time- "this incident happened the same year i first gained unhealthy weight/started eating emotionally." next came the tears of recognition. then the tears of sadness, grief and loss. and then the realization of the possibility of healing. i still need to write my grievance story and share it with a friend, but already, i feel a lightness around this that i never thought possible. thank you to all of the community who have generously and bravely shared their stories and thank you, Bill. I am so blessed by this community.
pamojamo - same history here. I don't even know where those people are now, but if forgiving them means moving on and eventually proving them wrong, then I'm for it.
This assignment is very timely for me. Just today I was reading a weight loss blogger and his post brought up an old resentment of mine. It's a collective resentment against all of the people who made fun of my weight when I was a child/teenager. I burned with anger as I remembered all of the cruel comments. Looking back on my photos from those years, I wasn't even fat, just slightly chunky. I'd love to be that size now. I know what I'll be working on this week.
Thanks for the opportunity to grow and continue to move towards the light. I am working on #4...it is huge! Love you, Holly
Bill - I just went back through this assignment and the associated video / instruction. I've thought about this assignment all week. Last week I wrote my lowest level habit was the tendancy to dive into victim/martyr mode. I see for me how these two are interwoven. This has been the hardest assignment for me to reconcile so far - I've really had to dig - and I'm confident as a result, I'll see significant benefit from completing it... so here I go!! Yeah! Thank you so much, Bill. Your example of Azim Khamisa is truly incredible and inspires me to a level of foregiveness in my own being that will bring me great peace. Bill - love you. ~Kim
Thanks Bill for this assignment. This is a difficult one to do....I have a few examples but I will complete the assignment by Sunday. This is going to help me with some bottled up emotions that I have held for a long time.
I'm already starting to share this one with some of my patients. Especially those who were in a car accident. Thanks Bill... Your wisdom is spreading!
Great assignment. I am fortunate to have been in this process with my main "offender" since August of this past year. I know I have some healing yet to do and this forced me to be more openly forgiving. Thanks Bill!
Hi Bill & Stoney - Thanks for this assignment. I'm getting started on it today. I'm a little behind but I'm not going to be hard on myself about this. With all that I have going on and it's much deeper & more serious than I can talk about on here...but Alyssa's hospitalization was just the beginning. I'm still sticking to the work on here because I know in my heart that without this community that Bill created and the compassionate, supportive people...I don't know how I would have handled all this. I feel so much stronger and am making wiser, more responsible and well thought out decisions throughout all this and I have you, Bill Phillips to thank. There is not a day that goes by where I thank the Lord for all you have done. xoxo Bella
Bill--thank you for providing this new format. Thank you for prompting us to write through it. This assignment made me want to withdraw at points, made me reach out for help. . It has beat me up a little . . and truly walking the path of forgiveness may beat me up a bit more as i work through this. .. but I found myself digging deeper this time, and facing things I did not intend to. Figuring out how to let go of a situation that i felt justified in holding anger and resentment toward. Finally seeing how I contributed to the situation.. and how i should ask for forgiveness as well from the very people i have felt justified in resenting and hating. Thank you, and thank the community--I'm thankful i know i have support as i work through this.
Another fantastic assignment. Having gone through the forgiveness step on several occasions already, I've decided to spend the time necessary to walk "back" to earliest memories and make a list of any wrongs and look at each one to see if there is ANYTHING still there I need to deal with. Thanks, Bill, for making this step so well thought-out and available to us. Johnnie Lorren
Assigment 4 .Is an eye opener.My real transformation started when I found out ,what was stopping me. The next biggest step forgiveness .I am sure that by the time I end the 18 weeks my life will be transformed to the best.thank you for changing my life for the best.God bless you.Mari