Thank you, Liz.

Hi All,
I'm hoping all of you are still posting to this thread. I as diagnosed as "manic" at the age of 22. Like Robin, the "highs" go pretty unnoticed by everyone else. I experience the same feelings as Robin. I know this sounds terrible--but right now, I WISH THERE WERE MORE OF THEM. kidding. It is a stigma. I am suffering from other health issues and my primary care physican (who is also bipolar) told me NOT to mark that down anymore for the other 5 Doctors I am seeing right now due to a "hysterecomtomy gone wrong". She said they will instantly think it's my depression. My physchiatrist is thinking about changing my meds again. I've had very positive results from Lexapro, Clonazepam and Risperdol--unfortunately they needed to take me off of the Risperdol because of hormone stuff--it was causing infections in the little cycts in my breasts. I've noticed that the hysterectomy has helped the depression at first. However, the health issues that I'm experiencing right now that started about a month after the operation in June of 08 are making it worse. I don't think all of these pain meds are helping either. I was able to wean off of Clonazepam for now too.
Being a former addict, I know I will need to pray for the will and the power to get off alll of the pain meds when it is time. I know I have AA to go back to and the powerful people on this site for support and guidance.
I'm pretty open about my Bipolar diagnoses because I refuse to hide it like a dirty secret. It is a disease. I know the answer is not in the bottle--there are so many other things I need to do to "treat" my disease. This site is one of the answers/teachers that I prayed for.
Liz, Jen and Joan, I look at your posts quite a bit. Your strength and honesty are part of my "treatment".
I am grateful that all of you are here.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2006. The good part is it's treatable with meds. The bad part is that the meds do have some pretty mean side effects & are sometimes less effective than others (I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder). I try to reduce edication to a minmum & am coping really well right now. I find it useful to take life one day at a time - something I'm applying in my first Challenge as well (I started yesterday). I'm convinced exercise & stable blood sugar levels can only be really good for BP sufferers.

I am a sufferer, but no expert - I don't even really have a proper diagnosis. However, here are my two pennies.

Mental illness:

- is much more painful than non-sufferers can imagine.
- can be a huge challenge to manage.
- nevertheless, is preferable to terminal cancer.

I have found it helpful, in dealing with my own illness, to routinely take stock of my strengths, blessings, and advantages. It can also be helpful, if symptoms are overwhelming and genuine optimism is impossible, to FAKE optimism. Fake optimism can become like a mantra or prayer which can help guide one's thoughts through the darkness.

i found when I took small steps, set small goals in optimism, it helped me best. I didn't set them too high so that if they were unachievable, it set me back. With each one I accomplished the brighter it became and the darkness started to fade away. I had finally decided to not fake where I was at. I let my husband and other who held me in my dark place know, you are hurting me and I will no longer let you do that. I took that power away from them. When they would do something and I told them, that hurts me, please don't say that, or please don't do that, it made them aware of what they were doing. There were times they didn't even realize the words they were saying were causing me hurt. I faked it didn't bother me and so they continued to do it. When my hurt came out as anger, it made me appear to have issues that were of my doing, when it was my way of reacting to the hurt they were causing that they were unaware of. I hope this makes sense.

Prayer was a huge part in my recovery, honesty and acceptance of those around me was another. I could not force people to love me that did not want to. Once I accepted that and let go, I no longer needed that love. I became more loving to those that were right there with me and before I knew it, my heart was full. I was loved and I was loving.

It is painful stcronin, but it is possible to recover. I hope you will work through the assignments. They really helped me.

The assignments really did help me get the strength I needed to get the medical help I needed so that I can have a true recovery. It is really strange, but even though I spent many years in pain, I also spent those years priding myself that I was getting through it. After doing the assignments, and going to therapy and now getting some much needed medication (yet another tool) I realize I was spending those years just getting sicker. I was building unhealthy neural pathways. Case in point: Last night I was allowing myself an ice cream sundae. I was proud of myself for not applying my usual guilt trip over it, but I realized half way through the sundae that my neural pathway of liking ice cream sundaes was so embedded in my brain that I had no idea that my medication had made me lose my taste for ice cream and chocolate entirely. I may as well have been eating wax. Once I realized it, I still wanted the sundae, but for hte life of me, I couldn't taste it. I finally threw it away. Very strange that it took so long to realize it.

Now I have to rebuild the neural pathways so that I can change the unhealthy behaviors I had adopted to get me through the episodes. That's not to say I will never have another episode. I can't say that after only a week on meds, but I have another tool now and I will hopefully begin to have even more clarity and be able to work with improved brain chemistry.

The greatest joy that befell me in my early stabilization from bipolar disorder was ..............
being able to just relax and not hold so tight to anything.
I no longer had to think through every action and anticipated response..........
being able to just experience the concept of sponteneity.
I applaud you Jen and all who are finding some peace of mind.
I will tell you this. It has been my experience that the longer you are in treatment (me 20 years ) the more you will relax and just exeperience true letting go....

CarolK, I know what you mean about going to the doctor with any other aliment. They see that big, fat "D" on the chart, and suddenly you are being humored instead of listened to. I actually see a psychiatrist about the bipolar disorder. When I to the regular doctor, I list the medications I take, but don't even mention the depression. If they ask how the treatment is going, I just say "fine."
Jen, I have been trying to change those automatic responses for almost a year now. It is weird to be in the middle of an automatic action, and realize that I don't have to do it. I have a choice now. I never realized how badly I picked at my skin. It didn't even seem to break into my consciousness before. Now I can stop if I want to. I don't have to remind myself to look people in the face because I do it naturally now. Just everyday bits of life that get tweaked as I go along. I am looking forward to undoing lots more behaviors as I recognize them. Give it time, and care for yourself. I am so happy that you are getting treatment.

Yogajen, thank you so much for starting this thread, I was looking for a place to post and figured this is probably it.
You said: It amazes me that there are so many people out there who suffer in silence, and the stigma is so great that there are others who suffer in total blindness because they can't bring themselves to listen to that small voice of intuition that says, "Something's going on here. Get checked out." I have been reading a lot on other websites and books as well where people are afraid to find out what is going on because it would be like exposing a dark secret, and evil side of themselves. There are people who are diagnosed who are afraid to tell their doctors what they are going through for fear of having a hospital stay.

I have been one of those people that haven hidden in the dark for years, My bio mother was dignoised with Schizophrenia and died when I was 16, I never knew her. When I was was suffering from depression and I did go to many drs that never would deal with my problems telling me, oh you are ok. One day I went to my geno dr and asked him for help telling him of my depression and anxiety and he stoped to listen and help me. I was on prozac for a few years until I just learned to control the anger and feeling over can't deal with things. I've been doing wonderful except with the depression that comes and goes. I reconize when it happens, it's when I have too many things to get done, I get overwhelmed and then depression sets in. I know try to stay away from stress ful events but sometimes they just sneek up.

I'm happy to see this thread, It's a great way to help and reach out to so many.
Thanks

Love, Linda

Wow, This is another amazing virtue of this website. The fact that we can come here and open up to each other. I am betting that some of us would say things here that we wont even tell our friends and family. I have been dealing with depression and OCD. The depresion is self perpetuating. I used to eat when I was depressed so then I get fatter, so I'm more unhappy with myself, so I isolate myself from people, so I eat more, so I get fatter.... Now I take meds and exercise instead. Even if it's just a walk with the dog, anything to break the cycle. My OCD is that I sometimes feel I HAVE to count thing. As I'm driving I count the phone poles I pass...which distracts me from watching the road. When I see someone, I count the buttons on their shirt. Which means that some people think I staring at their chest. Which woman to woman is just too weird.
I'll count just about anything. It ususally happens when I am anxious or tired. I have been able to control this by pulling myself back mentally. I take a deep breath, close my eyes (not while driving) or look away. I've
been able to laugh it off some times. "Lori, what are you doing? That is just silly. You don't need to know how many ______ there are" .

I wish everyone the best of luck and the best of mental health. I am so greatful to have a place like this to come and 'talk' about this.

I am getting some really heavy treatment for my bipolar right now and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am feeling very ill right now and I want to get better so badly so that I can be a well person. Thanks everyone for sharing here and I hope to be more involved again soon.

Please check out bringchang2mind.org it will bring tears to your eyes. Finally an outlet for those who suffer in silence without support or pink ribbons or 5k runs. Mental illness is highly treatable and most will recover with the right support--the hardest part seems to be getting support. Let's bring change 2 mind!

This is my first time posting anything here in the forums and I can appreciate and understand what everyone has said about being bipolar. I have had depression off and on for years but it wasn't until I got out of the military in 2006 that I was finally diagnosed with being bipolar, putting a name to the disease has helped me out a lot as being depressed and having highs and lows and not knowing why or how is very frustrating, like others here in the forums, I am very open about being bipolar, I went undiagnosed for years and I do not want others to go through that, if they can learn from my experience's then I am more then glad to help. I have my bad days and my good days and I have manic episodes that have lasted for weeks it is an ongoing constant battle. I have started the transformation and Body-for-Life numerous times but I have never gotten past the first week, my motivation to do much of anything is pretty non-existent, I can sympathize with yogajen, I have been having a really hard time these past few years and my highs are few and far between, I am on numerous depression, and mood stabilizers but it can and will get better, reading the posts here in the forum talked to me if you will and I felt like I just had to share my story, the support here is more then I would have ever expected to find. This is my first post but this has helped me out a lot.