Through years of chronic illness I have encountered countless times where well-intentioned friends have tried to help by implying that my issues with chronic fatigue were more a matter of character than an actual medical condition. I've come to accept that when you have an "invisible illness" people are often inclined to assume it's all in your head and that all you need is more motivation and a better attitude - especially if you haven't received a diagnosis that 'justifies' your apparent lack of ambition. They think you're obsessed with illness but the truth is you are simply 'obsessed' with getting well...

Today, I came up with a simple response that I thought you might like...

"Tough love is not an effective treatment for chronic illness."

Jim,

I hear you my friend.

I suffered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (actually, they never found out what it was so they called it that) for nearly 2 years (I came through it about 5 years ago). Most people, including the medical community, assumed that after all the physical tests didn't show anything that it was stress related and "in my head". The more I tried to explain that it was not in my head, everyone assumed I was "in denial".

I have always had an extremely positive drive and outlook on life. And in fact, it was that attitude that allowed me to continue forward with hope that one day I would get better. And I tell you my friend, when that day gradually came, you could not have found a happier person on the planet. I got a new appreciation for life, and for the privilege of being able to do intense exercise. And that has never left me since.

I don't know where you are in relation to your chronic fatigue. If you are still battling with it, then I pray that one day you find yourself on the other side of it. And if you are already on the other side of it, then I am so happy for you, and for the appreciation for good health that you gain from going through it.

Cheers, Paul.

I completely understand. I have bipolar disorder and although my diagnosis is new, I have felt all my life that I shoule just "snap out of it". Others have said it to me as well, but it is a real illness and since I had no idea it was there, it had a stronghold on me. Now I can take responsibility for my actions and if I need to withdraw a little or be quiet a little, I can do that without feeling the need to "snap out of it."

Great post. Thank you for sharing.

Thanks guys! I knew a few people could really relate!

Paul - I've been hypothyroid since 1989 and was hypopituitary 2001-2008 along with issues with asthma, allergies and sleep apnea. For the last 15 yrs, I've had frequent episodes of what I was told was stomach flu even though they often lasted weeks. I've had a very severe episode for the last few months and have concluded the underlying problem all these years was actually celiac disease. Waiting for test results to come in but already feel better after being gluten-free 2 days...

That mystery of what is continually smacking you upside the head, on top of anything else going on is very frustrating. Personally, it makes me feel isolated. Every time I wonder about a malady they find something else. I stopped asking, but I know something is missing, one day I just might find it.

You guys just gave me some hope, thank you.

Jim, that is definitely a difficult struggle to deal with. I was very "fortunate" that my onset of Multiple Sclerosis was as acute as it was (thought my wife always says there was "nothing cute about it!") and that I happened to encounter a competent group of physicians that were able to diagnose it quickly and definitively. So many people I've talked to with MS have terrible stories about struggling for months or even years with seemingly random symptoms that the doctors could not explain, and absent a firm diagnosis they had to deal with constant skepticism and even outright denial from friends, coworkers and even physicians. This was especially true for those "invisible symptoms" that they would have...like ringing in their ears, some vision issues, and things like that.

The odd thing for me is that I've dealt with exactly the opposite. Because of the acuteness of the onset and the nature of the disease, I've been consistently told by doctors, friends and family that from here on out I would have to "take it easy" and come to terms with the fact that I would not be able to be as active as I used to be (as though I was a marathon runner or something before! ). It was the same tough love, just in a different form. Well, I wasn't about to be pigeonholed into a lifestyle and set out to prove it with this Transformation. I've had some struggles to be sure, but I'm proof that you can overcome the expectations placed on you because of a disease or medical condition.

The only person who can define who you are is you, my friend.

Thanks for your support. I'm still making improvement on a gluten-free diet. Tests have been negative so far but still have further testing to do. Most of my friends are supportive with a few that don't "get it". I try to be understanding but it still bothers me when a close friend implies I merely have an attitude problem. Oh well, I just have to let it go and stay focused on getting well...

Hi guys...

This issue has flared up again recently. I do my best to be positive, humorous and even inspiring with how I share my daily struggle with illness. I suppose I should just blow it off, but it's very disappointing and upsetting when friends tell me I just need to put it out of my mind and quit dwelling on it. My God, they have no idea...

I know it's hard for people to handle the idea that a person could be sick 24 hours a day for years. But I haven't been well in almost 15 years and when you can't even function, hold down a job or even get in a workout consistently you got to do something!

Anyway, everybody here seems to understand and for that I am so grateful! I just needed to vent a little and you guys have always been tremendously supportive.

Thanks for listening, I feel better now...

Jim, I think the best tough love application comes from ourselves. I used tough love with Jonnae in helping her deal with her chronic illness and it worked. I've used it on myself for years, lol, and it's the key to my reaching my potential. That is where I find true health and happiness, knowing what my best is and kicking my a$$ into applying it. Only you know what that is.

There's a key to tough love application. It should only be applied to someone else when you know them really well and you must know when it's time to go in after the "tough love" punch and talk it over. It can be more damaging than good, if you don't know when or how to follow up.

It's really difficult to not have the energy sucked out of you when it appears you're being attacked and unsupported if you go for that bait. I can assure you, I have many many times and it's hard to free yourself of that hook, but do it. Focus on your mindset, not the mindset of others. Listen to your inner voice, which is actually Divine and knows more than the ones outside of yourself. You know if you are doing your best or not. It's up to you to stretch yourself beyond what your best is to experience even better. Do what you need to do to reach your expectations, not somebody elses.

Thanks Denise - I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I'm pushing myself with everything I've got even though I'm not getting much in the way of results. I don't require for people even to be supportive, although of course that would be nice. And I usually blow it off unless it reaches a point where it's just blatant disrespect and I'm forced to make a choice in order to take care of me.

And rather than let it fester, I know from prior experience, it's better to vent a little but then let it go. And frankly, I can certainly understand how perplexing my ongoing issues with illness can be to others. Sheesh! It's perplexing to me!

And I think it's especially difficult when you have what is called an invisible illness. Typically you look fine to your friends. And unfortunately being such a cheerful and optimistic person sometimes betrays my need for support. It's just hard for people to fathom how a guy that seems so happy - and is - could be THAT sick.

Anyway, I'm lucky that my family totally understands and most of my friends because they know who I truly am...and most importantly I know who I truly am and God knows who I truly am...

Thanks again...