I wrote this blog on Sunday June 21, 2009. My close friend who told me about this site and program, thought I should post the blog here.

Monday was a very low day for me. I did have a major break down after writing this and felt that I no longer wanted to live. This is not a new feeling, only one I keep silent most of the time. I work at not allowing this to control me life and with medication and therapy, and my dogs. Most days I am able to handle lifes daily situations. Monday I could not. I turned to my husband who as always helps to cheer me up and convince me I am worth another breath. I did not go to the hospital this time, but int he past I have had to go to Emerg as my husband is fearful of what I may do.

Here is my blog from Sunday...

Self talk

My friends and family say I talk constantly. I even talk in my sleep. I talk to the dogs, I talk to my husband, I talk to strangers, but I am always talking to myself. The last year and a half has been extremely difficult. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant, I have been in and out of a severe depression, to the point of talking about suicide. My husband left his job with the military to pursue a civilian police job, with no results. I had my dream job, but the stress, and a crappy boss, caused me to be sick, with physical symptoms, so I quit. Our plan was for Bill (my hubby) to get a job with a police force, I would work at my dream job; we would buy a house and only have to live in this crappy apartment for a year. We would have a baby, and life would be good. Well that has all gone down the crapper! Bill is working at a job making less then 1/2 of what he made before. I am unemployed. I have issues with getting pregnant and will need medical intervention, which is an issue as medical personal, and procedures cause me to have panic attacks. Talk about a rock and a hard place. But the worst thing is my own NEGATIVE self-talk. I am always chatting to myself in my head, how to do things, how to handle things; it is a coping technique as well as my personality. But the talk that goes on is so negative. If I heard anyone speaking to anyone in the way I talk to myself, I would be not only offended, but I would intervene, to tell him or her to stop talking about anyone like that. But it is me that is talking, it is only me that is listening, and it is only I that I am hurting. I want to be positive, I want to be thin, I want to be pretty, I want to be likeable, I want people to be proud of me, and I want to be proud of me. With doing assignment 1, the things that I listed as where I want to be in 18 weeks, I was able to write down so much, more then I think I can accomplish. But there is so much about me I do not like. I have started sleeping a lot again. This is a sign of a depression. Sleeping through activities I enjoy, church today. Hell, I forgot to buy my dad's father's day present from my sister, her family and me and my husband. I have had a cooler of my mom's sitting by my door for weeks and yet in the 5 times I go over to there house a week I have forgot it. I feel so dumb, I feel not worth the space I take up. I feel like a burden to my family but especially my husband. I know there are steps I need to take. Exercise, good food, talking/blogging, and making lists (it works for me) But I at times do not feel I am worth the effort. That is so horrible to write, but that is what I am saying to myself. I am a burden, and I don't want to be a burden. I was hoping blogging would help, but instead it has brought to the surface, the pain. The pain I cause myself, by what I say to myself, and how much I believe what I am saying. I have attempted in the past to stop the negative self talk and turn it around to something positive, but when I do not notice, the self talk turning negative, that it hurts the most when I realize that I am feeling guilty, or sad, or a burden to those around me. I am going to bed now, as it is 3:40am, where I am and I should sleep, although I did sleep a lot today.
Till tomorrow.






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Hi, I would like you to know that I really enjoy this site and all the members who are on here and that I had the pleasure of writing too. The situation that I am in is very hard for me to get on here and try to do the assignments.I don't have access to a computer all the time,I usually go to my brothers,but I am unable to most of the time.
I really enjoy being on here when I can. I am suceeding in the way I eat and losing the weight and weight training with my brother.
I am looking for employment at this time and that is another reason why its hard for to get on.
Cause I have a family to feed and don't have alot of time to devote to this site as much as I like too.But if you talk to my brother(plantman0819) he will keep you updated on my progress.
Whether I win this challenge or not, I am still a winner cause I have the Lord our God and I completely change my eating habits and my life.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this and God Bless.
Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and portion forever. Psalm 73:25-26