My wife of 25 years has left and now I sit here and write to you with eyes full of tears and a broken heart. I love her, and miss her very much. I was a horrible husband for so long. I finally got help and made drastic changes. she stayed to raise the kids, and now that they are grown she has decided to leave. I thought we had made such great progress but the reality is she just didn't want to be with me anymore. After 25 years to hear someone say they don't love you anymore is like a knife in your heart that want quit its piercing pain. I have no ill will towards her, and understand how she feels.
However my pain stems from my abusive behavior. Who was I to think I could take advantage of a beautifl loving women, and act as if she didn't matter. My wife gave her hand to me in marriage, and trusted me to treat her in a way she deserved, and I behaved horribly, it crushed her spirit. I don't know how to forgive my self, I've been trying for 12 years but just can't seem to.
I have been seeing a wonderful therapist who has helped, but she or no one else can remove the pain of the past and present.
Waking up in the middle of the night realizing your all alone, then breaking out in a cold sweat is such a trauamatic thing to go through.
I hope others can learn from my mistakes, and make the necessary change immediatley, if you truly love someone.
Thanks for listening.
Richard

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How are you doing, Ricky? Read Chapter 8 in the Transformation book, you need to forgive yourself, make positive changes in your life and give that new found love and respect to someone else. I have been separated for 1.5 years now and am moving forward with a more positive mindset and healthy lifestyle. If you can attend the Transformation Camp in Golden, Co I highly recommend that you do. I just got back from it and no words and so many words can describe how much it helped me and the others that were there. You're in my thoughts and prayers and YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Thanks so much for your kind words DiKayRa. The pain runs deep, and the mistakes of the past can be your worst enemy. I keep thinking "what if" I had behaved as a husbund should have. I had a great thing and blew it. It's hard right now to find love to give to myself. I've been alone for so long now its just debilitating. Thanks for your help and support, I hope someday I can fill the hole in my soul. I had changed so much over the years, showed love and paitence to my wife and kids, wrote letters of apology, and did so many kind things to bring about peace and love. When its not reciprocated, and they just pack up and leave its anguish, you feel like a failure, as if there is nothing I can do thats good enough. I know I'm a good man, and I deserve to be loved and have so much more to give in return. The pain is so overwhelming. I have to stop now, going into hysteric mode for a while. Thanks again.

Hi again - you are right. The MISTAKES of your PAST can be your worst enemy and "until you can heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed". Write this down on a sticky note and put it up where you will see it everyday. Here's another one I want you to write down and stick it somewhere... (HA! my attempt at humor!) that you can read EVERYDAY: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference." These sayings, along with a few others, got me thru everyday and made me start believing in myself again. You can try as hard as you want to change someone into feeling how you thing they should feel, but you just can't do it. I have a sister that hates me, for years, and have no idea why. I have come to realize that it's really NOT my problem, it's hers. I've made mistakes in the past, but nothing so bad that I would deserve this kind of treatment from her. I'm a good person and would do anything for anyone and it's too bad she has to miss out on that. I've let her depress me for years over 'why does she hate me so?' and she has no idea she even had this kind of impact on me. So I'm done. I'm going to write her a letter, got her the Transformation book with a nice book marker that I'm going to put in Chapter 8 and send it to her. At least that way she will know where I've been and where I'm going. Life is too short to be so miserable over another person or persons. So stop with the 'what if's' - that was my song. So grab on tight with both hands and give yourself a huge yank to pull yourself out of your rut and start being positive. I can feel your pain because I've been there and I know what it's like - I wish I would have cleaned up my act before my husband left, but I can't change the past, I can only look to the future. Like you, I know I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy and loved as well. I WANT to be happy, and loved and to be with someone I have something in common with. Hopefully I will find that special guy (who must love dogs - I have 12! All but 1 were rescues and I'm a huge animal rights person.) But anyways.....I know, I go blah blah alot, write those sayings down and read them everyday. Let me know how you're doing. I KNOW you can do this.

Thank you DiKayRa. Your very dear to take time to help me in this time of crisis.

You're welcome - I'll be checking on and off and am here if you want me to be - I have a really good idea what you're going thru and I can be pretty persistent!!! You may just want to give in to me to get me off your back! I just got a thing on my facebook which says 'Every morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.' - If you want, you can check out my facebook page, my name is Diana Raffler - MAKE it a great day (night)!! Chat w/ya later -

Diana, thanks so much for caring, and sharing such kind words, they are hard to come by these days. I did get out and spend some time with some life long friends last night, they were so supportive, we all cried together and tried our best to have a few good laughs.
It pains me to know how much I hurt someone, I am not the same person I used to be, thanks to therapy and a great willingness to change, and my wife knows it, but she is not willing to take a chance of being hurt again. I love my wife so much, and the realization that she can't trust or love me is heartbreaking. My wife married me and trusted me to take care of her, and instead I was passive agressive, harsh, and menatlly cruel. What gives anyone the right to treat another person that way. I've asked God and my wife for forgiveness, and believe I have been, however not being trusted puts your life in a whole other world, and for that I am having a hard time forgiving myself. The Bible makes it clear " we reap what we sow, sow with a view to the flesh and we reap corruption sow with a view to the spirit and we reap love' ( something like that} I am trying to cope but it is difficult without my loved ones here. You go to bed with it on yur mind , get some sleep with the use of some good meds from my doc, then you have to wake up with the realization of whats happened, and it hangs on like a bad coat. I am exercising and that helps with the stress, I"ve also lost 8 pounds from the stress as well. But I am trying to keep up a healthy diet. Running on the treadmill has been great for me as well.
Again Diana I thank you for your help, I have a long road ahead of me with the divorce and who knows what else. So all the ecouragement is helpfull.
Thanks,
Richard

It took me a year plus to be in the rut I was in to be the person I am now. I wish I would have pulled myself out a lot sooner than I did But finally, I made the decision that I have to do something and can't live like this anymore. Trust me, I didn't care if I woke in the morning but I realized I was being selfish because I have 12 'kids' (dogs) I'm responsible for. It wouldn't be fair to them if I wasn't here. I had already sacraficed so much for so many years for them, I wasn't going to quit on them now. At least you have friends you can see and talk to and touch, I had no one except my 'kids', all my family, for what they are, are in Michigan. 2011 was the worst year of my life for many reasons, but I got thru it and it made me realize I am stronger than I thought once I made the decision to change. I'm the Queen of Dwelling on the Past and I've decided that I need to change my mindset. You can only do what you can do, if another person doesn't want to accept that, then it's their loss. You learned from your mistakes, you are a worthy human being that deserves to be happy - so change your mindset. Before going to bed, think something positive, something that gives you hope, like the 2 sayings I suggested you write down and read everyday. It takes one small step at a time and before you know it, you're running. Just take the first step, it really is easier than you think. When you wake in the morning, read them again - keep reading positive sayings and know you are worthy. Yes, we reap what we sow, but we also learn from our mistakes and move on. "What lies behind us and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Find your inner strength. If you can attend the Transformation Camp, DO IT! You will not regret it.

Thanks so much Diana. Sometimes we get caught up in the emotional turmoil we forget to take a step back and realize that in order to start over its as you say with 'positive' small steps. I'm so sorry you didn't have anyone close by to talk to, so you must be an incredibly strong women now. And the fact that you are here now to share your expierence and assist others speaks volumes of the big heart you have. I know things are going to get bumpy again here next weekend when we sit down and have "the talk". So I'll be keeping in touch and wishing you the best. I have a heart of gratitude to you and all the T members. BTW saw your FB page, thanks for sharing.
Thanks

I don't want to be annoying, but I am here for you and will help see you thru this the best I can. Just let me know what I can do and if any of what I'm saying is getting thru to you, at least a little bit! Don't get yourself all worked up about 'the talk', it may go better than you think. Also, another thing that occured to me is that people change and over time don't want the same things in life anymore, people grow apart. Maybe she is going thru this change of life and just wants a different life style, maybe you had a small role in her leaving, but maybe this is bigger than you and more about her and the changes she's going thru. Just a thought. Let me know if I can help - good luck and I'm thinking of ya! Stay cool, dude!!! (Did that make you SMILE??!!!) =) :-) ;-) (That's all I got!!!) Hugs!

Your kind words have helped tremendously. The pain in the morning is the worse when you wake up to the realizaton of whats happened, but I did notice today that I'm not as nuts, as I have been. I will be posting again, I can't thank you enough.

Wishing you a wonderful day and only squirrels wake up thinking nuts! =)

One other tidbit that I'm sure you already know - "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result" - that's why you need to make a CHANGE - if what you're doing now isn't working, then find something that does!! Again, Happy Day To You!!! =)

Love the squirrel comment, it made me laugh. And your right about doing the same thing over and over, for so long I did nothing, now that I'm making changes, the waters are really rough, but I look forward to the calm seas afterwards. I sold all the old furniture today and I'm looking forward to creating a new enviroment thats warm and cozy. I'll be out of pocket a few days but will check back in from time to time. Thanks again.

Take care, good luck and keep in touch! I will be thinking of you and wishing you only the best so if you get a good, strong and positive vibe, it's from me! (Or a really strong wind!)

I got back in town last night just to have my heart ripped from me. My wife came in and cleaned out the rest of the kids things. Then she came over toaday and finished packing. My kids and I with tears in our eyes were in disbelief. She felt she had tried for so long to make the marriage work, and I just wasn't there. She was exactly right, however I tried so hard to be such a gentle and loving man for so long but never addressed the issues that were so serious. She finally just gave up. What else can I say I'm devatated, hurt, angry, you name it. I'm so emotionally drained I can't even type anymore. I will try later.

I know it's hard to understand the whats, what ifs and whys of it all - I'm kinda in the same place as you. I tried talking to my soon to be ex yesterday about if there was any hope of us staying together and he basically said no - I can understand his reasoning and I guess it just took me too long to pull my head out my rear and get my life cleaned up. But I learned from my mistakes and I hope that if I ever meet anyone else, I will be a better person for them. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and my ex figured he tried for too long, but he didn't make it easy for me to want to change. But, the only thing I can hope for is that I am a better person now - I know how you're feeling, but please know that this too shall pass. You are being tested and I have a feeling that you will come out of this with a renewed sense of strength - Hang in there and get thru it day by day - lots of deep breaths! Stay strong, for I know you can pull thru this. Hugs to you!

Thanks Diana, Since I got served divorce papers last week I have been an absolute wreck, fine one minute, then total wreck the next. The hardest part is not being around the kids all the time, and the silence is just to much. I've been trying to stay busy around the house redoing the bedroom, but after awhile I just go into this funk, and I have to go lay down and try to rest.

I'm sorry to hear that you and your ex aren't able to work it out, and your right, I know we are better people now. But for so long we are sold this story of our mistakes and thats what type of person we are, it just makes me hurt so bad knowing thats not true. But the one who wants to leave will not see the good in us no matter what. The hardest part for me has been trying to convince myself that I am a loveable person who has a lot to give. Thanks again for the words of encouragement, and I hope you have better days ahead a well.