Hi, I am very touched by all of the support in these forums and the openness. After struggling for so long to lose weight and get control of my life - while wondering why I couldn't do it - I had to take a hard look at myself. Both of my parents are/were drug addicts and alcoholics. We all have stories and I could tell you some about the abuse that you wouldn't believe.

I spent a lot of my adult life comparing myself to them and knowing that I wouldn't go down the same route. Well, I did but it was just food. After having my three amazing daughters I knew I'd never drink or use. There is no way in this world I'd treat them the way I had been treated or raise them in such a bad and dangerous atmosphere. But that need to self medicate was there after everything went wrong a few years ago. Food HAS changed who I am and how I behave.

One day I went into a convenience store (which was never a part of my life growing up or up until a few years ago) for the usual: candy, soda, chips, you name it. The cashier said cynically, "Breakfast of champions" and I replied, "Yeah, it's gonna be a tough day." I honestly couldn't believe the words came out of my mouth. I felt like someone had hit me right in the stomach. It might as well have been beer, vodka or any other substance sitting on that counter in front of me.

Like I said, there's so much to all of this and I did a LOT of work to forgive my parents. I know now that they were good people who suffered from addictions. I chose for so long to focus on the things they did when they were using. But there were good times, albeit a long time ago. Whenever I see an old photo of them I can only think to myself "What happened?" I honestly grieve and feel pain over the years they wasted like a bystander. I don't want my kids to do the same thing years from now with a photo of me.

Recently I've had a lot of fear that I would end up like my dad. Not only did we look alike, we were alike in so many ways. Except he didn't get help and ended up taking his own life a few years ago. He had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and the diagnosis was an easy thing to blame. His suicide note had the word "sorry" written in it so many times. Not long before he killed himself I pretty much gave up with him. I'd given him so much and I couldn't do it anymore. Driving by bars to make sure he didn't drink and drive, listening to him go on about stuff when he was drinking, and just being around a nasty drunk who put me down all of the time. When I got there he was still warm. I feel so guilty about that even though in my heart I know that even if I had come by a bit earlier, he would probably have done it at another time.

I saw myself going down that same path. But I am learning from his mistakes. It's all starting to make sense now and that helps tremendously. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this - only that it's just to get it all out there so I can move on and work on myself I guess.

Well, thanks for listening and thanks for all your support, it means so much.

Steph

Steph -

I am so honored that you opened up and shared so much of what you've been dealing with. Great beginnings here - and so much has been lifted from your awareness. Keep it flowing

Love ya -

Steph,


Thanks for having the courage to share a part of yourself with the community. You stated that you recently felt some feelings of fear that you would follow your fathers behaviors. Know that fear is just pain leaving your body. Feel the fear so it can leave.


Also, your convenience store story..... I agree 100% food is a drug and can be abused just like beer, vodka or any other kind of substance. Real recovery deals with the broad range of self medications, including food, rather than just one of them say alcohol for example.


I can tell from the clarity in your writing and willingness to share that today will be the last day of the way it use to be. Welcome in the new you and be all that you were meant to be. I believe in you!


Much light,


Chris Winters

Steph,
Wow, such a powerful thread. I am so proud of you that you are able to recognize all that you described. It is heartwarming to hear that you are not going to repeat history and have your children see what you saw. You are going to lead by example, a great example of how life should be lived. Healthy, happy & fit. Mind, body & spirit!

Congratulations on recognizing all the things you have and are willing to do something to change it. Best wishes to you in the amazing journey and please, don't hesitate to ask if you need a hand along the way!
Carolynn

Opening up is a very difficult thing. Recognizing the food compulsions is even more difficult. Your seeing it for what it was is a break through moment. I am sure that you will use that moment as the beginning of a real change.

Also, don't feel guilty about your father please. Sometimes no matter how much we try, things cannot be changed. And don't think you gave up on him. Please don't.

I am sending you my best thought, and wishes for you to have a successful journey on your transformation.

Thanks to everyone who commented. It means a lot to me. It's funny, my husband is always telling me that when I say I am afraid I will become like my dad that I won't because I'm aware of it.

Just got to remind myself that I can't change the past, only live my best life and be the best ME day by day.

Steph