This site has helped me so much already. I know that alot of us have dealt with this stuff.

If this is NOT appropriate for the T community I will understand. I am going to an al-anon meeting at noon and can focus this part there. Please let me know if I need to process this elsewhere. My transformation is very important to me, but this is pretty consuming mentally. Good thing I am exercising so much, helps burn off the stress.

At first it was pot, and I mostly ignored it. I knew, I thought he was just fooling around with it. Course I did alot of of experiementing...graduated in 1980.

I could tell when he was high, and I when I did get on his case I was not very effective or persistant.

Last december I finally got tired of poor grades, attitude and continued use and took him to a counselor who specializes in youth addiction. I went, he went a few times, things seemed better. Grades went up. The counselor called to tell me how well he was doing. Turns out he just got better at hiding it.

In June at my step daughters wedding he rode in the limo with the wedding party and had a couple shots. I could tell, but didn't lose my mind over it. Later during the reception my brother in law took me aside. He told me that my 16 year old had offered to sell some Xanax to his son. Or anything else he might want, My son said he could get him anything. His son is 10 years older and just took the Xanax away, verbally lambasted my son and told his Dad. Who told me immediately.

So I grounded the kid again. For a month. Which he cheerfully accepted and went about making good and nice and did a great job. So like an idiot, I let him go camping over 4 of July for a few days with some friends. He took some extra days and lost his job. I was angry, cut priveldges.....yada yada.... He's Mr Perfect again. We go on vacation, he's terrific.

We get back, I let him take the car to the movies on Monday night. Tuesday I find a pill in my car, google it and it's Oxycodone.

I call his Dad this time. Tell him. Dad is in law enforcement and sees this all the time and goes balistic. Appropriately.

Dad is also an alcoholic who drove me to al-anon 16 years ago and that gave me the strength to pull out of that marriage and show my son a life that didn't include much drinking, no drugging, a warm church family, sports, vacations, mission trips, camps.....the regular middle class upbringing.

On the way home I got a drug test at the drug store and when I walked in the house I asked him to pee in the cup. He was so surpirsed he did. Lots of bravado there. Made casual converstation like nothing was going to be wrong. THe kid is so silky smooth I almost thought it was going to be ok.

Positive for THC and Opiates.

I was so deeply sorrow filled and angry I just didn't have anything to say. he babbled about just being in the room,no idea how the opiates got there....I pulled out the little pill and told him I knew what it was. He had the nerve to say he didn't know what it was. I didn't argue it with him. What's the point.

Then he started in on at least it's not heroin, Or lsd. Or meth. It's not bad, it could be so much worse.

I had that same conversation with his Dad about 75 million times. I only drink till I pass out every day. At least I don't hit you. Or run arround with other women. Or....It's not that bad. I culd be so much worse you should be grateful.

Oh sorrow of sorrows. I have not escaped the fire. I ran and sacrificed and did everything I knew how to break this cycle and I am just sick because I have snapped back into to the exact same cycle and even the same converstations as if I had done nothing.

I took him to his Dads. Dad's going to going to arrange the scary jail tours, ride alongs....a chat with our dear friend the prosecuting attorney who won't be able to help if he gets busted by anyone other than his mom. That sort of stuff. Our version of the calling the cops is just telling all my husbands freinds what is going on and who our kid hangs out with. It's terrible.

I will go to al-anon at lunch at remember to take care of myself, control myself and use the 12 steps on myself. But as he makes HIS choices I am no stranger to the pain that I will experience if he runs, moves out or what ever else he must do until he's sick and tired of being sick and tired of HIMSELF. His Dad did not believe I would leave our marriage even after I told him that date I was moving. When he came home and I was gone he was just stunned. But not stunned enough.

What if his son makes the same choice?

Thanks for listening. Open to suggestions. Wish it was lunch time.

Oh girl...I feel your pain. My son went through everything your son did starting at age 14. It is heart breaking. I put him in rehab, after rehab....did the jail things, all of that. I finally realized I couldn't change any of it. He was going to do what he wants and that was that. It didn't matter how much I cried because he was hurting me by hurting himself, or how many facilities I locked him up in, or how much counseling he did. I got to the point with him at about 17 years old when I decided to let go and let God. It didn't mean I didn't care, or I gave up...it was just a realization that in order for this to stop he would have to hit some sort of bottom. He got arrested several times and I always left him there over night to think about his life, and was this what he really wanted for himself. He took off to Cali with his druggy friend and partner in crime and they slept out of their car and worked odd jobs, and finally came home. One last trip to jail and the real possibility of doing some serious time and he decided enough was enough. He joined the National Guard and off to training he went.....he changed forever. Thank you God. Sometimes bottom is what it takes to wake people up. I know its hard. There wasn't a day that went by for over 7 years that I wasn't scared to death every time the phone rang thinking it was someone calling to tell me he was dead. It was really that bad. Pray, go to your meetings, tell him you love him but that you are disappointed in his choices and that you want so much more for him. Beyond that, and considering a drug and alcohol rehab program, just stick with it and never leave him.

I am here any time you need to talk about this.....

From the Alanon book:

"When I'm trying too hard to change things, when I forget to let go, when I demand too much, too soon, of myself and others, I'll ask God to remind me the Easy Does It"

Success demands that we think, honestly and in depth, about our attitudes, evaluating our words and actions. When the attitudes change from hostility to forgiveness, from violence to quiet acceptance, our words and actions follow along.

Mae, I absolutely think your post is appropriate here. First of all, this community is about friendship and support. Second, your ability to deal with your son's drug use is part of your transformation, and it is important to you.

Y'know, I have a younger brother who started drinking at age 11. My parents do not drink, and there was never any alcohol in the house, so I don't really know where it started (Yeesh1 I just had a flashback of my brother at about aged 4 when he would sniff gasoline out of any gas tank he could find. Once we found him passed out on the neighbor's lawn).

My brother is now 43 and has been sober for 18 1/2 months. He has done drugs along the way, but I don't know the details. The thing is that my parents tried to help him the best they could but it wasn't until my dad stopped trying to help and my brother hit bottom that he was able to save himself. He lost his job, his house, his wife, his self-respect, and he was suicidal. It was then that he took himself to rehab (though he had been there many times before) and pulled it together. Now, after over twenty years missing my brother, he is back to being himself.

Being a mother is the most amazing thing and the most difficult at the same time, so I know you are feeling some incredible pain. Your son sounds just like my brother did. The trick is to listen to the Alanon counselors and be as tough as you can because it is then that your son can heal. It won't be pretty, but you are a tough and wise woman and will do the right thing.

Thank you. I went to the meeting and feel much more at peace rigtht now. It's been so long since I went to one. It was a first step for someone else which was good for me, too.

His Dad will be keeping him for a few more days. They do a jail tour tommorrow and what ever else he's cooked up.

Thanks for sharing your stories Mellie and talk2me. I am grateful to you for helping me feel less alone.

Hugs.

Mae I put my Mom through some really terrible stuff and she had tough love even to a point where she put me in a boy's home for two weeks. I wish I could make things more easier on her but I didn't I had to learn it for myself. I ended up in prison for 3 years but it was there that I found the Lord and since then there was no turning back. You & your son will be in my prayers. If I can help in any way please let me know.
Gob bless~
Jerome

get his butt to go to a meeting, ! Call intergroup (hotline) and it will tell you where the nearest one is and what time. Eventually he will have enough, and be willing to get help. He sounds like me when i was his age, lol, not that crazy though. You guys are in my prayers. If I can help in anyway or you just need to talk , email me.k

~Bobby Grimes

The 12 steps work, but you have to be willing