I think it's important to make the distinction here - what we talk about is whether we can forgive the PERSON and/or their actions ... but what we really need to address is our FEELINGS OF HURT.
We often get angry at people because they don't behave in the way we expect them, and the world, to operate ... but the fact of the matter is this is not "The Waltons", nor is it "Little House on the Prairie".
Not everyone is a good parent, fewer again are great ones, but oftentimes when we are let down, hurt and disappointed by the people we love and want to be loved by in return - they are not deliberately trying to hurt us ... sometimes they are just doing the best they can given their knowledge, limited experience, ability to demonstrate affection etc given the time, place and circumstances of their lives - which one of us HAVEN'T EVER been distracted from what's going on around us, due to our occassional preoccupation with our own worries, fears and concerns about our own lives and "stuff" ?
Let's look at things a little more objectively - forget about the person we are mad at or hurt by for a moment; think of someone you love dearly and regard highly ... if that person were to say something to you in a moment of anger, would you forgive them ? Would you make allowances for them ? Probably. You know that an unthinking act does not make them an intrinsically "BAD" person.
If your 2 year old child does something "wrong", does that mean that you give up on them for life - does it mean that they are facing a life behind bars ? Of course not - they don't know any better ... and it can be exactly the same thing for the people who we feel have wronged us ... oftentimes they just don't know any better, they haven't the knowledge, skills, awareness or good judgement. You need a licence to drive a car but anyone, regardless of their ability or skill can become a parent ...
Again - we should stop being mad at the person or their actions (which can't be changed), stop trying to control them and what we would have them say to us ... and address the real issue which is our feelings.
"When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at, change"

Forgiveness is NOT "forgive and forget." Nor is it about what happens to the one you forgive. Forgiving simply means that you put away the hatred and the preoccupation you have for another by actively taking the reins and actively agreeing with yourself that you will give up any right you have to hate, to ruminate about this thing that was done to you, give up any right you might think you have to get even, give up any right you have to feel sorry for yourself. You are actively doing everything in your power, from your end, to stop this self-torture. You are getting something out of this, and yet you agree with yourself that you bring it to an end. You agree to stop thinking about it, to stop talking about it, and to stop allowing this person to live rent free in your head. It's all about you, and you have to stop thinking evil thoughts about the other. It does NOT MEAN that you have to restore a relationship with them, or trust them, or have anything to do with them. But, you do have to release them and the offense from your list of wounds that you lick. Actually, that's exactly what unforgiveness is like, licking old wounds, and picking old scabs. You do damage only to yourself.

Because forgiveness is an active process, not merely a decision made in the mind, you should write down for the last time that you forgive the person, name him, and name the offense or offenses, date it, sign it, and put it where you can find it. Then, when in the dark night and the stressful times you find your mind wandering back to the pain of the past, go find that agreement with yourself, read it, and pray and tell God it is in the past and ask his help in keeping it there. God IS forgiveness in person. He can and will help you with this.

Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FlyEl Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves.

When I allow, and accept that the only change I can make starts within. Foregiveness is the gift I give myself.

I try to not take it personally.

The faster I accept, that which I cannot change, and let it go. The easier it is to move in to being happy.

I choose to gift myself!

Thanks to all for their insight on Foregiveness.

Have an amazing day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeffsbrodie When I allow, and accept that the only change I can make starts within. Foregiveness is the gift I give myself. I try to not take it personally. The faster I accept, that which I cannot change, and let it go. The easier it is to move in to being happy. I choose to gift myself! Thanks to all for their insight on Foregiveness. Have an amazing day.

AMEN! Thanks for reminding me to not sweat the small stuff today and to let go of what I can't change. This is my nemisis!

ok, I posted this in lots of other places you may have already read this but I thought it was worth posting here.

I am forgiving and forgetting: it hasn't been easy but I'm doing it with God's help


Still not perfect but making wonderful progress
I have 2 progress repots to share since I began this BE THE CHANGE CHALLENGE

1. My 19 year old daughter and I have been at eat other's throats, They just can't be 2 queens on one thrown. So She moved out. I cried so much, I felt so un wanted, so un loved, I didn't matter to her, my life was a mess, my heart was aching with pain and my mind was wondering endlessly from one problem to another.
When I took the Challenge it was just perfect timing, all hell brike lose a week before I started the challenge.
I called her over to talk things out and again made a mess of things and she again walked out mad. I cried more and thought this can't be all her fault, I have some of this blame but what. At the time I couldn't see what I was doing wrong, I was just loving my little girl. Through alot of self assessing and looking at myself to see where I could improve myself in order to improve my relationship with my daughter. I had to step back and look at myself as if I was looking at a person I didn't know. I saw a very loving person, one that would give you everything, but I also saw a distructive person. One that would get mad at you 1st in order to not get my heart and feelings hurt. I was stepping away, I was closing the door slowly, and when I did close the door I made it very diffculat to come back in. I reconized the me that needed help, the me that was yes a nice loving person but expected too much and didn't give in or let things slide off. I burried the past in my mind and never really let it go. Reconizing my faults is the biggest step in such a short time.

2nd I not only reconized the faults of myself but I and practicing my own self teaching to be a nicer, more consiterat, understanding person. One that says, it's ok, I forgive you and honesly forgive and let the situation leave my mind complety. We say forgive and forget, I learned you don't really forgive if you can't forget it. Dewelling on the past mistakes takes it's tole on us eventualy and the old bitter person comes forward again.
I don't want to be that old bitter person. I love my family, I am so blessed, blessed over and over and over again and thought I know that I somhow don't show it. I say it, I brag about it but my actions are the true tell tale sign.
I have been more open, listening instead of trying to run her life and make her so what I think is best. I am guiding and giving my advice I'm not controling her or saying I told you so. If she mades a beig judgement I say, I'm sorry, lets work together and see how we can fix this.
It's a whole new world with my baby girl.
I've learned is's about letting her be her and me be me. we are not the same and we don't want the same things, I can accept what she is looking for in life and she is accepting what I what from my life.
This past 2 weeks, I feel I have my family back together the way God intended it to be.
__________________
I may not be able to change everything I face, But I can not change anything until I face it.







GET*HER*DONE LINDA


Yesterday, 11:52 AM #2 (permalink)


GETHERDONELINDA
Senior Member

Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 244
Status: Online




I think I am on the right path this time,
When I began this challenge I said I was seeing myself as becoming bitter AND ANGRY AT THE LITTLEST THINGS. i SAID That we always say forgive and forget, I learned you don't really forgive if you can't forget it. Dewelling on the past mistakes takes it's tole on us eventualy and the old bitter person comes forward again.
My husband is always telling me think about what the other person really meant, not just want they said or how they said it, think about what they are going thru, maybe it's just a bad day or they are stressed and took it out on you.
So today I had 2 friends that I hadn't spoke to in a long time, one because she thought I called her fat when all I was doing was trying to get her to do BFL, I was concerned and she didn't take it that way. I went to her job and walked in and said hi and hugged her, we spoke as if nothing happened. I already know she forgave me, now I wanted to not only forgive her by to forget it.
The other person was my hairdresser, she did my hair perfect, then one day dyed my hair a differnt color to surprise me, I hated it and told her, it was too blonde, it wasn't me, I asked for her to change it and she wouldn't, she said it looked good on me, I said I don't care, I don't like it, I was mad and upset, I spent $120 for something she did wrong on purpose. I thought about it and prayed for the right feeling to enter my heart. It did, I went to her shop and she was surprised to see me, I said I just stoped to say hi cause I hadn't seen her for a while, she hugged me, she really thought she was doing me a favor, she thought she was making me look better. I still think she should have changed it then but she didn't and it's over, I forgive her and I am forgetting about it. It is errased from my mind so I can't dwell on it again. I feel light hearted, I feel I took a big step and was the bigger person. Althought I did not do this to be the biggger person I only did it to be a better person. I feel better!

Every time you think, your mind is on parade.
Stop and think, it is the source of power!

By my 12 th grade English Teacher

__________________
I may not be able to change everything I face, But I can not change anything until I face it.

Linda, wow thanks for sharing so insightful friend!

Wow-so much great and helpful information here. !

Forgiving is a gift we give ourselves is HOW I started the process of forgiving my mother for the lifetime of hurt & disappointment I had held for my LIFETIME..Since then I have been able to release the negitive,toxic energy even more and more. It has spilled over into all areas of my life and has become a cleansing tool almost in many ways. I am GLAD my dear friend JanM explained it to me this way ...way back in January 08'...I am GLAD you started this thread Bella and I miss you ..where are you at? I should e -you ..Love Laura & Baby Reggie

This is an excellent thread. Thank you Gloomraider.

Mike Harris, thank you for this insight. It's really well put and I totally love the idea of dating, and filing our decisions to forgive, and then pulling it out when you want to wallow.

El, so true. It is a gift. I decided to try to make your statement into a poem. It's kind of Hallmarky but meh -- it works maybe.

Forgiveness Is a Gift

When we make the choice to live, and let live,
Decide to heal wounds, to bridge a rift;
When we make the decision to truly forgive,
Our souls receive a gift.

To forgive is both to lose, and to gain.
Its miraculous power sets us free,
When we forgive we lose resentment and pain,
And gain all we're meant to have and to be.

Forgive us, as we forgive...
Teaches us how to truly live.

Sara Michele O'Sullivan (aka MickyO)
for El and the Transformers (sounds like a 50's group)

Very nice lovely lady. Love ya!