This is an exerpt from my blog today...

I'm at a point right now in my Transformation where I really feel I need to focus on forgiving but I have a real hard time with that. I know as a servant of God, we must obey...and to obey means we must forgive. We don't have a choice. But in my twisted mind, I've always felt that when you forgive someone it means you're ok with what they did.

As with everything else in life....you live a certain way for years and years always believing that's how it is. A good example is the negative self talk and always blaming myself for what I "deserve" because I wasn't worth anything otherwise. Now I'm changing how I think and am getting much better at that and how I feel about myself and life.

The whole forgiving thing is something else I need to process...and get out of my mind that it in no way means I am condoning the behavior. But I have so many other questions about forgiveness. Does it mean you be totally honest with that person and what they did and how it affected you? Does it mean they will never suffer any consequences and it lets them off the hook? Does it mean all is ok now and we can hang out and be buddy buddy? Or in my father's case...does that mean I'm cool with what you did now and I'm over it?

I know that in the bible it says that God loves us so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. But does that mean what they did will be forgotten and the slate wiped clean? I know this is probably none of my business what happens between God and that person...but it's a question I have nonetheless.

I know that I don't want to see someone suffer. As much as I hate what has happened to me by certain people that I must forgive....I don't wish any harm or suffering to them. So that's sometimes where I'm torn. I don't want them to suffer but I have a hard time forgiving. Maybe it's my understanding of forgiving. Maybe I don't need to understand why...maybe I just need to practice it.


**************
I'd like to know what people's understanding, feeling and process of forgiving is. What got you to that point to forgive? How did you go about it? Did you just write a letter and burn it? Did you talk to that person? What made you do it? How did it turn out?

The only way I know there is power in being unforgiving is by the example of how I have lived my life and how angry I am. I don't want to be this way anymore...so I KNOW there must be power in both....forgiving and being unforgiving.



Thanks for your feedback and help with this one ;-)

Bella what makes the most sense and would release you the most?

What would you tell me to do?

Personally I think that it all has to do with the situation and person

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Originally Posted by Shane Personally I think that it all has to do with the situation and person

Care to elaborate?

I know that in the bible it says that God loves us so much that he sent his only son so that we could be forgiven. But does that mean what they did will be forgotten and the slate wiped clean? I know this is probably none of my business what happens between God and that person...but it's a question I have nonetheless

Bella according to the Bible once we accept God's grace, (His salvation) all our sins are completely wiped out, He doesn't remember them anymore. Psalm 103:12 says, As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. So yes He gives us a new fresh start. But as humans it's hard for us to forgive and forget but we have to forgive because of the love of God that resides in us. As many times we mess up we still can go to Jesus Christ and ask for forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 says, if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

We must forgive others. No matter what they have done.
It is the command of God.
To not forgive hurts us. If we desire God's blessing, we must forgive. We may think it is impossible to forgive someone who has deeply wronged us. With God it is possible. He never asks us to do something we cannot do.


MATTHEW 18:21-22 NKJ
21 Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"
22 Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

Surely Jesus was not setting a maximum limit on the number of times we should forgive. He gave an absurdly high number so we would realize He meant for us to forgive without limit.

COLOSSIANS 3:12-13 NKJ
12 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

This kind of forgiveness is certainly beyond normal human ability or experience. It takes the power of God to do it.
Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a decision to quit holding something against someone. When we forgive we must release them and forget it.

YBIC
Jerome

Jerome ended that perfectly. I have been holding on to some parental stuff too, but lately I’ve decided to deal with it.

I have to first deal with it before it can go away, so I’m going to find my Father, sit with him and tell him “hey alright, I don’t understand what you did, but I’m not going to hold on to it any more. I have no problem with you, I forgive you. I hope everything is well in your life.”
Will this work out well? I don’t know will see,,, even if it is a gong show like it could be, it does not matter. I feel better already…lighter…knowing that I’m going to do my part.
I’m not saying I’m looking forward to doing that, it’s going to be uncomfortable.

Like I said, I feel better already, and I think that's due to the decision that I made. I’m not holding on to this anymore, let it go.

I hope this helps a little.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaBellaSher This is an exerpt from my blog today... I'd like to know what people's understanding, feeling and process of forgiving is. What got you to that point to forgive? How did you go about it? Did you just write a letter and burn it? Did you talk to that person? What made you do it? How did it turn out? The only way I know there is power in being unforgiving is by the example of how I have lived my life and how angry I am. I don't want to be this way anymore...so I KNOW there must be power in both....forgiving and being unforgiving. Thanks for your feedback and help with this one ;-)

Forgivness is not an easy thing to follow through with as a survivor of major abuse as a child I struggle with it everyday. Check out this group forum and maybe it will help you on your way. JOIN in Forgiveness

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Originally Posted by Plantman0819 When we forgive we must release them and forget it. YBIC Jerome

What does this mean? We release them from what? And forget what? Forget that they have harmed us?

Hey Bella! I see that you started this thread so I am sure you'll be back....I sent you an email, and a text message....then I put a comment on your profile and it is gone (weird!!!!) so I will post it here to make sure you see it.....It is very important to me that I get these things back because I have had them for over 8 years and I value them greatly. Thank you for understanding and returning my things to me.


Message to you profile (I put it there again just in case!)

"Hello Bella. I can't get you to reply to my emails or text messages, but I need for you to return my BFL Videos and all the books I let you borrow please, I have others that could benefit from them as well. If you can't remember how to get to my house please let me know. Thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mellie Hey Bella! I see that you started this thread so I am sure you'll be back....I sent you an email, and a text message....then I put a comment on your profile and it is gone (weird!!!!) so I will post it here to make sure you see it.....It is very important to me that I get these things back because I have had them for over 8 years and I value them greatly. Thank you for understanding and returning my things to me. Message to you profile (I put it there again just in case!) "Hello Bella. I can't get you to reply to my emails or text messages, but I need for you to return my BFL Videos and all the books I let you borrow please, I have others that could benefit from them as well. If you can't remember how to get to my house please let me know. Thank you.

In Stoney's words....start your own thread.

I'm happy to get your stuff to you when I am in your neck of the woods. In fact they never even left the car.. As for now, I'm off to Sunny California!

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Originally Posted by BellaBellaSher What does this mean? We release them from what? And forget what? Forget that they have harmed us?

That's exactly what it means., Forgive and Forget. If we continue on harboring those feelings of hurtfulness then we are truly saying we are not forgiving. We must FORGIVE and let go, move on. Christ does it for us and the Bible says we need to do it as well. I can't get any simplier than that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaBellaSher This is an exerpt from my blog today... ************** I'd like to know what people's understanding, feeling and process of forgiving is. What got you to that point to forgive? How did you go about it? Did you just write a letter and burn it? Did you talk to that person? What made you do it? How did it turn out? Thanks for your feedback and help with this one ;-)

Hi Bella!

I've gone through this with my brother who died of heart disease at 48. Background: He found out he had a rare heart disease at age 19 (when he had open heart surgery). He knew eventually his heart was going to die and that he would need a new heart to go on. Well...he gained 300#'s so he was never a candidate for a new heart. I tried to talk to him - but it was like talking to a lion who had been poked with a cattle-prod - it just pissed him off and he immediately tuned you out.

When he died back in 05', I was angry at him...angry at him that he didn't take care of himself...angry that he didn't listen..angry that he didn't care...angry that the food was more important than me. It ate up the last 6 months of our time together before he died. I blamed him long after death for something that cannot change at the present moment.

I prayed alot...I prayed that God help me to understand but that understanding has never come. The only way this anger was going to leave me is if I decided to let it go. That doesn't mean that somehow it was ok for him to kill himself...it just means that I was no longer going to spend my life giving the pain any more attention. What you fight - you strengthen...and what you resist will persist. You see - to me - forgiveness is less about the thing you are forgiving and more about you. When I finally forgave my brother, I set that pain free so it no longer could bind me.

I surrendered myself.

The day of forgiveness...I went to the cemetary...I looked for his stone but couldn't find it (this was 2 years past his death and I'd never been to his grave ONCE). So...I sat in my car. I cried...I spoke to him and said, "George...whatever the reason for not caring about yourself...I'm sure your pain was worse than mine ever could have been...the struggles you went through knowing you were going to die are much less than my struggle without you. So...I forgive you for not taking care of yourself and I miss you."

Hope that helps *HUGS*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Plantman0819 That's exactly what it means., Forgive and Forget. If we continue on harboring those feelings of hurtfulness then we are truly saying we are not forgiving. We must FORGIVE and let go, move on. Christ does it for us and the Bible says we need to do it as well. I can't get any simplier than that.

Jerome - Before I even got to your last sentence....I thought to myself...it doesn't get any simpler than that!

Thank you Sweetie ;-)

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Originally Posted by BellaBellaSher In Stoney's words....start your own thread. I'm happy to get your stuff to you when I am in your neck of the woods. In fact they never even left the car.. As for now, I'm off to Sunny California!

Great! Have a fun trip! I look forward to getting my things when you return! Be safe! Thanks!

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Originally Posted by floorance Hi Bella! I've gone through this with my brother who died of heart disease at 48. Background: He found out he had a rare heart disease at age 19 (when he had open heart surgery). He knew eventually his heart was going to die and that he would need a new heart to go on. Well...he gained 300#'s so he was never a candidate for a new heart. I tried to talk to him - but it was like talking to a lion who had been poked with a cattle-prod - it just pissed him off and he immediately tuned you out. When he died back in 05', I was angry at him...angry at him that he didn't take care of himself...angry that he didn't listen..angry that he didn't care...angry that the food was more important than me. It ate up the last 6 months of our time together before he died. I blamed him long after death for something that cannot change at the present moment. I prayed alot...I prayed that God help me to understand but that understanding has never come. The only way this anger was going to leave me is if I decided to let it go. That doesn't mean that somehow it was ok for him to kill himself...it just means that I was no longer going to spend my life giving the pain any more attention. What you fight - you strengthen...and what you resist will persist. You see - to me - forgiveness is less about the thing you are forgiving and more about you. When I finally forgave my brother, I set that pain free so it no longer could bind me. I surrendered myself. The day of forgiveness...I went to the cemetary...I looked for his stone but couldn't find it (this was 2 years past his death and I'd never been to his grave ONCE). So...I sat in my car. I cried...I spoke to him and said, "George...whatever the reason for not caring about yourself...I'm sure your pain was worse than mine ever could have been...the struggles you went through knowing you were going to die are much less than my struggle without you. So...I forgive you for not taking care of yourself and I miss you." Hope that helps *HUGS*

Floorance - I always love reading what you have to say. You are such an honest and genuine person on here. I love that about you.

As I was reading your last paragraph...it totally brought tears to my eyes. I'm just heading to California to an alumni party on Saturday night (woo hoo!) but will be spending the rest of the time visiting the home where I grew up, visiting my mom's grave, visiting the beach where I always went to find some peace and solitude...basically visiting a lot of memories to release them...and put them behind me. When I leave Marin, I want to forgive...and say goodbye to all of that...and start my life over. It's going to be very emotional for me but I need to do this.

Thank you so much for your beautiful words. You've inspired me.

Depends on the situation means... sometimes its easier to write a note and release it... sometimes confronting a situation that can provide release or closure is better... I employ alot of these strategies and there is no ONE size fits all.

Hello Bella


I would say that forgiveness is like a beast that one is working to tame, it takes time, patience, diligence, will, humility, spiritual strength, trust in Christ Jesus, etc, etc,. It really feels as a beast due to the past hurt/pain that keeps on relentlessly coming back time and again and ruining everything, since when the hurt is back (as it will depending on its gravity), anger and resentment accompany it, and then one find him/herself back to square zero as result as far as releasing their victimizers from any wrong doing. And that means one has to go back and do it all over again. But Christ is Here, so keep at it.

Last Sept 29th, I consider myself having reached a spiritual breakthrough because I got a glympse of the power of forgiveness. I hurt my back and, and the injury I sustained resulted in a spread of semi-paralysis of my spine from its lower to its upper in like 3 or 4 days. I got to a point where it took me 5 or 7 mns to make any move, moves that would usually take a split second to perform, that along with the torture. When I realized the gravity of the situation, not having faith in doctors nor do I even have health insurance to think about seeing one, I turned to JESUS and the practice of 2 ways street forgiveness, I started to forgive and ask to be forgiven. I did that for about 48 hours straight since I no longer was able to sleep. at the end of the second day/night of prayer, around 7 pm, I decided to get up to make me something to eat because I was not able to to do that for a while (the whole ordeal lasted about 4 or 5 days really but the worst was last 2 days), since I was starven, I decided to still make an effort despite the hell I was in. As I was struggling to get up, which took few mns along with literally hell on earth, by the time I was up, the pain, the torture, the hell I was in simply and magically disappeared into the thin air!!!!!!! and right at that moment the scripture about Jesus telling the crippled "get up, take your mat and go home." has been que-ed up to the surface of my memory (later, as I thought about it, I realized that He really did say that to me). I could NOT BELIEVE what just has happened!!!!! I just could not. Anyway, (I initially thought it was going to come back but it never has to this day) I celeberated by going Super Wild in talking to Him, I've just gone crazy as if I was talking to my boyfriend. Anyway, to make a long story short, that made me realize that Forgivenes is A Heavenly Portal/Bridge to Christ and His Power.

Bella, be patient with yourself in working to master it, you can, just be stubborn about it. I will come back later, this is a subject that became near to me since that day. This is not to say I am good at it, I am learning but I am Aware of its Power now.


PS: this was not my first encounter with forgiveness.


I forgive and I ask to be forgiven, in doing so, I heal others and be healed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaBellaSher This is an exerpt from my blog today... I know that I don't want to see someone suffer. As much as I hate what has happened to me by certain people that I must forgive....I don't wish any harm or suffering to them. So that's sometimes where I'm torn. I don't want them to suffer but I have a hard time forgiving. Maybe it's my understanding of forgiving. Maybe I don't need to understand why...maybe I just need to practice it.

Sher, I know how you're feeling. There is someone in my life that I hate what he did to me and how he left me to feel but I still dont wish him any harm but Im finding it hard to forgive him for what he has done even though we will never talk again, I feel I need to forgive him regardless to make peace with myself and its becoming difficult. I guess I need to practice it too. ~Shannon

Bella Bella Sher I have the same questions

Does it mean you be totally honest with that person and what they did and how it affected you? Does it mean they will never suffer any consequences and it lets them off the hook? Does it mean all is ok now and we can hang out and be buddy buddy? Or in my (Daughters )' case...does that mean I'm cool with what you did now and I'm over it?



I thought it meant if you came face to face and that person was truely sorry for what they did and you understood they reaaly meant it and you honestly felt you could forgive them then you would also forget about it.

But How does your mind your soul and your heart heal when that person says to you, I'm not saying I'm sorry, and if you are hurt it's your problem. then say to your spouse they still love you, but won't come around call or say I'm sorry when they see you.
How can you begin to gorgive much less forget when they won't say I'm sorry, hug you or do anything that shows they care.

In my case the hurt doesn't just float away, the longer she stays away the angerier I get and the more hurt feel and the more I dwell one the situation and can't forgive or forget.

Bella-
There are a couple things I have to say to you- & if it makes you feel better- I was once in the exact same boat with my father- as you are now.

Grudges, anger & resentment--- are anchors on the ship of the person you want to be. Why hold yourself down?? To forgive someone is not at all saying.... "I think it's ok what you did to me-- or I'm letting you out of this one." Forgiveness is taking the burden of being angry off YOU. Using myself as an example.... I grew up with an absent father. Every once in awhile he would try to jump in my life & play "dad" for a month or two- & then inevitably... let me down & disappear. I specifically remember one weekend he called and planned to come pick me up in the morning at 10- to stay the night & spend the weekend with him. I was a little girl. I was excited to see my dad. As much as a loser as he was. =) So I packed my bag- & I sat on my front door step for him to come. 10:00 came.... he wasnt there. 10:30..... 11...... no Dad. I waited for a long a time.... and he never showed up. He didnt even call to say he wasnt coming. He just left me hanging there. Weeks later he called to say he decided to go out of town at the last minute. -- and it still never occured to him what a devastation that was to me. It took me up until last year to forgive him for that. And all the other things that he did to me. But what I realized.... and what ultimately gave me the strength to forgive is this: My anger towards him- was not going to change what he did nor was it going to make him a better father. In fact- it wasnt going to change his thinking process or actions at all. So really- the only thing my anger was doing- was making me miserable. and why in the world would we want me to make ourselves miserable for something thats not our fault?!?!?!?! It's just silly!!!! So I forgave him. Whether or not you want to tell your dad that he hurt you- is up to you. And really- what each person needs for healing would be different. if that would help- & make you feel better- than I encourage you to let him know. But forgiving someone is not letting them pass go & collect the $200. It's simply saying... "I've forgiven you for what you did- because I wont let hold me down any longer." Its setting yourself free ---- so spread those wings, girl-- & fly.

If you need to talk - you can always message me personally. I will give you any advice- or share any stories you need. Forgiveness is hard to do- But I know its in you. =)