Over the last 24 hours, I had seriously contemplated posting the following message on my blog. I was going to have the person, who has such a power, delete my “mbshepherd” account and start a new account. I thought what I had been doing was not what I should have been doing on this site. I was going to start a new account and start anew with my transformation. However, after typing this message and reading it, I changed my mind. I’ll explain why after this message.

As I was doing my daily walk Friday, I spent some time trying to come up with what I thought my plan with Transformation should look like in the upcoming months. I have been thinking about it a lot – more than I should. Always trying to figure out what I should post next. What self-proclaimed “wisdom” I could share with the community. Then the thought, “What the heck are you doing?” popped into my head. I knew then that it was time to face the truth about my so-called Transformation.

Honestly, I have not been happy with my first week and a half of my second challenge. And, well, to tell you the truth, I never really finished my first challenge (so how could I classify this as my second challenge). It dawned on me to start the challenge over, and then I remembered something Bill said once on the radio program. Someone had asked about starting over and his response to that question was for that individual to ask of himself, “Did you ever really start?”

My answer came easily to me – NO! My first challenge was a misrepresentation of who I am and what led me to this site in the first place. And the first two weeks of my second challenge have resulted in me doing everything I could to sabotage this challenge and my life.

Despite all the time I have spent on T.com, I never really started my transformation. The changes I wanted to make, that I need to make, were never allowed to transpire in my life. I was just faking it. I was writing blogs that I thought made me sound like I was changing, but I wasn’t living my life the way I was blogging about it. Something that I joined in an attempt to make my life better, was in fact making things worse – because I was holding the truth back and actually trying to force feed me and those around me a dishonest version of who I am and who I wanted to be.

Basically, I was here to win a contest at first. I saw the challenge as a way to make myself look good to others and to boost my self-esteem. I began to write things that I thought were clever and made me sound like a great guy. After a little while, I decided it was my job to start “fixing” the people in my life and those on the site who were asking for help. What a joke. How could I possibly help anyone with the Transformation process when I hadn’t even started transforming myself?

I was consumed with “working” the process, but unwilling to allow the process to work for me. Unlike T.com’s mission statement of “Making healthy changes in our lives so we can make a difference in the lives of others,” I was instead trying to make the changes in others, so I could make a difference in my life. It truly was all about me and how I could make myself look good, feel good, and have others think good things about me. I was never “being” the change; I was “faking” the change.

So, I’ve made a decision to start – to really start. I’m throwing out the old “mbshepherd” member and giving you the true me. No more faking it. No more just doing things for my own benefit and to boost my own ego. No more working the process to produce some make-believe, store-bought, unrealistic champion. No more boasting that I was brought to this site to lead others, while knowing that I was unable to do any of the work that would make me a true leader.
I’m opening up my heart to this process, like I wanted to, but was too afraid to do so many months ago. It’s time to “begin” the change, so I can start “being” the change.

After reading this message that I typed, I changed my mind about starting over. I decided that what I learned while writing and reading my message is just as important, as me starting over with my challenge. I don’t need to start over. Where I am now isn’t where I was suppose to be at the start of my transformation – it is part of my transformation.

I don’t need to start over. I just need to keep going. I need to finish up my packet for my first challenge, and stop telling myself that I “never really finished my first challenge.” What I have learned during my first challenge and the early stages of my second challenge, is important and should not be dismissed by deleting my account and posting new photos. It should be something I remember and use to continue my journey towards the “real” me.

So, I hope if someone out there is thinking about “starting over,” he/she takes a little time to read this post and learns from my experience. That is what this site is really about -- Sharing our experiences in our efforts to make the healthy changes in our lives, so we can make a difference in the lives of others.

extremely powerful stuff, my friend. True courage.........

I am so incredibly proud of you for posting this!!!! I think there are so many of us who feel a little of what you typed here. I went through weeks like this and even started off this round a little lost and rocky (see my blog on that one). But I agree! There are no do-overs in live. Take what you have learned (most importantly about yourself) and move forward.

Don't ever doubt the work that you did in the first round because look what you garnered from that!!! Incredible and such honesty is rare in this world! (except here).

I am so proud of you!!! Love and hugs!

Honesty is the best policy. It feels so good to be true to yourself and others. Cindy

As a newb to the Transformation, I really appreciate your courage in posting this. It takes a real man to face up. You're a lesson to me. Thanks.

Thank you for your honesty. As Lesley said, I think all of us feel a little bit of this at times. There is a saying in AA, "Fake it till you make it". Well, I post and keep up with the assignments and sometimes I feel like I'm faking it--I really DON'T want to change. Who likes change? However, I do feel it. Not all the time, but my life is changing. I hit my bottom with my life and I'm working the program the best that I can every day. If I share "words of wisdom", I credit where I found the words. I am not working to my full potential, but I get more engaged every day. Thanks for staying around. This is a process--not an event (see, I'm borrowing from AA all over the place in this email). Thank you for inspiring me today to continue to be honest. As far as reaching out to others, I'm new too. Maybe I have a suggestion because I've been through something or maybe I can just listen and offer to be there if someone needs to vent. None of us are perfect. Realizing this makes me think you have experienced a transformation. Again, thank you for your rigorous honesty. I admire people like you.

I can totally relate. I signed up last November and then never completed assignment #1. I revisted the site about 8 days ago and have completed assignment #1 and #2 -was already in the works (since working out is the easy part for me). Anyways--your post reminds me of my best friend who always wants a clean slate before starting a new healthy lifestyle. Its not about that, we learn every time we explore the process. I totally understand the disconnect between saying something and doing something. Totally can relate. I think some people do like change. I am one of those people. I stumbled across your post and I am glad that it was such a powerful one. Pressing on....

I deleted my old profile. Now I realize that I actually did make progress, just not the progress I wanted or expected to see. This time, I know I'm gonna mess up - the food is just so hard for me, but I am doing better than before, I am learning about myself and becoming more self aware with each day. I can run 5 minutes without stopping and can actually still go to the gym even if I'm not eating right. I'm starting week 3. It hasn't been pretty, but I will not give up no matter what.

Just for thought - perhaps your revelation when you re-read your post was a huge part of your transformation process??

I also find it difficult not to say what I think everyone whats to hear. I am trying my best to be authentic in everything I write, even the stuff that's not pretty. Honesty with others and acceptance for myself are things I am working on...

Good work not giving up...

Liz

Quote:

Originally Posted by lizzi This time, I know I'm gonna mess up -

NO NO NO!

Stop that negative talk!

"This time I will continue to progress"

....and you WILL!!!!

((((HUGS))))))

Quote:

Originally Posted by mbshepherd After reading this message that I typed, I changed my mind about starting over. I decided that what I learned while writing and reading my message is just as important, as me starting over with my challenge. I don’t need to start over. Where I am now isn’t where I was suppose to be at the start of my transformation – it is part of my transformation. .

BEAUTIFUL!

It is all part of the process...the good, and maybe not so good ;-)
So glad you are here with these words of true wisdom and courage!

This kind of honesty is what most transformation is all about! Yes, our ego's want things to "look" a certain way so we get the attention or respect we desire but when we are unauthentic that attention and respect doesn't feel the same.

Being with the TRUTH is sometimes very difficult and definitely not what our ego's want to own if it is not pretty. Yet it is real and learning to "be with what is" is such a key to living an authentic life. The kind of life I think most of us here at T.com are striving for.

By facing the TRUTH even though you may have felt ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed in yourself what ever the emotions the CHOICE you made to be honest IS YOUR TRANSFORMATION and your courage and willingness to share it openly gifts others as well. When we tell it like it really is we automatically inspire others to do the same. It is in this honesty that we grow and heal our unhealthy patterns.

I applaud you and thank you for your leadership.

Many Blessings,
Roberta

I am so glad that you decided to post this! I have been pretty sick for the last two weeks and while that's a good reason for not making much progress, I was just thinking this morning, " Maybe I should just start over." I won't now. Your post also made me do some self-evaluation of my own. Does that fact that I wanted to start over mean that I never really began in the first place? I need to think about that. I do understand your feelings about "fixing" others when you feel like you haven't even begun to "fix" yourself. But obviously, you have come a lot farther than you thought- you are able to be completely honest with yourself and willing to share it with us!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mbshepherd However, after typing this message and reading it, I changed my mind.

Now THAT's walking the walk! Good job! THAT's TRANSFORMATION happening to you, my friend!

Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.

Dude, you've taken another step in the transformation process- nothing more and nothing less. I know how valuable it is to be honest with another person. I found when I'm honest with you- I'm honest with me.

You are on the road to freedom- trust me- at least I found it so.

I had "tried" to start this programe several years ago but sabataged myself before I ever really got started. It seems that you and I both have made a be change already in the fact that we know that now is the time to "get real". I'm proud of you (and me too). Thanks for posting this. It is truely inspiring.

Yea, this is pretty powerful stuff, should be required reading. This is where I was at the beginning o f the year, I'm stumbling through a few career related goals now, but that is because I need a change there as well. Helping others and seeing the change in my family right now is my winning contest. The friction for me has gone down while the listening and helping others has been increasing.

It would be great to win a contest, but I am winning my family back, that is better.

I applaud you for taking the route you have, Awesome stuff!

Steve

You ARE transforming, and everything you have been through here and in your life has been used for GOOD, even though you feel regrets and even embarrassment. Absolutely, delete nothing, discredit nothing, deny nothing - INDLUDING the progress you made that got you HERE. We gotta reach a bottom, my friend, and it's humbling.

Now you have the experience and the wisdom to help anyone here who is struggling with ego, fear of revealing oneself, hesitancy to take on the real work... wow, truly I really look forward to following your progress. And I do understand how difficult it is to BE real and open to change... I struggle too.

I don't think there is any such thing as starting over. You are where you are, and everything you do will come after there. I am the Queen of the Delete Button!! I have deleted blogs, pictures, everything -- except my profile; but it all happened, and deleting it sure hasn't changed it!!

I'm glad you are here, being honest about not being honest!! I think many of us have been "less than honest" with ourselves, and others, because of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of retaliation, fear of bringing the energy level down, fear of whatever............

I'm proud of you for putting it out there, and recognizing that it is all part of the process!!

~Patty

you are one of my original group people and I so respect your path. I want to know you for a long time.

I understand you completely...'cause I've done the same thing...and more than once....

I enjoy how you have pulled through that and come through to the 'other side' instead of just stopping...

well done...

nice to meet you!!!