A dear friend who once inspired many people to choose a healthier lifestyle has fallen off track. This is someone who was recognized for her amazing results in her first BFL challenge and then maintained the lifestyle for quite a while.

I belong to a team for people over the age of 40 who are striving to live healthier lives. My friend belongs to the same group. She has become distant lately. Several team members have attempted to contact her and encourage her to keep checking in, working out and just letting her know we care.

She made a post last week while I was on vacation about how her fitness goals had to take a back seat to her working and taking care of her children. Her children come first. I know she honestly believes what she said, but when I read her post my first thought was she is just making an excuse. Even though she complained about how she has returned to bad habits and her clothes are too tight, she still cannot see that she has a choice.

I understand putting your children first. At the same time I am wondering what kind of example is she setting for her children? I have tried to wake her up by telling her to get the kids involved in her fitness plan. Going to the gym and following a routine may be ideal, but getting creative and involving your children can be effective as well.

We all struggle at times....but how often do we talk ourselves into something. How often is our reasoning really just an excuse? This is something I have become very aware of. There are many times I catch myself trying to sabotage my success. Negative self talk doesn't always sound so negative....sometimes you can convince yourself you are making a wise decision!

Don't fall into that trap. Take time to make decisions that involve your health. Seek the input from friends and/or family members. Make sure you follow the truth and don't allow yourself to make excuses that hurt you and your family.

The greatest gift we can give our children is to set a model of their mother taking care of herself. Anonymous

I agree with Michelle. It is so important for parents to put their health first. This way they are there for their children and they set a healthy example for their children.

If children come first, then health comes first.

Look, I know as in my past ten years I've also gained and lost weight. And every time I gained, you could point to the fact that I was working hard, had little time to myself, etc.

BUT ...

Was that WHY I gained?

Nooooo.

The fact was, I gave into stress and the old, addictive habit of using food as a "fix."

You see, it doesn't take any longer to grab an apple than it does to grab a Snickers bar. They both can be conveniently carried and both can be eaten during the day.

It doesn't take any longer to cook whole wheat pasta than it does white pasta.

The bottom line is that we need to recognize when we create excuses and fall into bad habits. If our clothes are getting tighter, it's because the choices we are making of how to handle stress and food and our lives.

You are right. It's an excuse she is making and she should realize it. I found a lot more freedom in my life when I recognized that my "reasons" were really excuses.

Thank you for the reminder --- reading this has inspired ME as I've let my own quest drag on too long because of excuses instead of stepping into the FOCUS required.

It's all too easy to have reasons but in the end they are choices and when we say we're putting others first, we're usually putting ourselves first and making it easier to excuse the shift by putting the spotlight on someone else.

You all are an inspiration ... thank you for sharing so much.

Jeremy

Jeremy - yep, what I was trying to say is what you said. We need to really stop and analyze our decisions sometimes so we can recognize when we are really just making excuses to justify bad behavior. This applies to many areas of our lives. Bad habits, bad relationships....whatever it is....I know I have done it myself. It is easy to see in hindsight....but it would be so great if we can learn to recognize those behaviors before the damage is done!

Thank you all for adding your comments and wonderful insight!

Melodi

I remember when I just had my first child and I was soooo tired and thought that I better just be a "mom" and not worry about myself...after all...being a mommy was my first priority....WRONG!...if I am not happy in my own skin...our children (no matter what age they are)...will pick up on that instantly...and this is soooo unhealthy for our children to be around...gosh...we make them wash their hands before they eat, keep them away from any potential germs...yet they are allowed to soak up our unhappiness with ourselves...this is so not good mamas! When we find the healthy balance of taking care of ourselves and our children...we are truly giving them the best LIFE vitamins! Golly...on an airplane...we have to put the oxygen masks over our faces first before we can take care of our children!

Melodi,
The best way I can explain this is:

Some time ago, I did a post asking about how to get my 12 year old daughter to start trying to help herself. She was gaining excessive weight quickly and it was freaking me out. She was catching up to me. I remember thinking at times, people must look at us and say, wow, nice example mom is for her. What a shame, she is taking after her mom. Following in her footsteps. I can't even begin to explain the various emotions that would run through my mind. I wanted my daughter to get healthy and make the right choices, but I didn't know how to approach it without hurting her self esteem. Well, amazingly enough, technically, I put myself first and it has spilled over onto her. She has dropped somewhere between 10-15 lbs. over the last month or 2 just by turning down junk food. She has been watching me drop weight and work out hard. She checks me out up and down all the time. She is proud and tells me so. She wants to follow me now. I've managed to motivate her without doing anything "for her", but for myself. By doing for myself, I've done for my beautiful daughter.

So her saying that, is just an excuse. She may believe that, I know I did. But by doing what I am now, is creating so much more time for them. Quality, beautiful time! Plus, they are following in my footsteps, and now at least, I am walking them in the right direction!!!

This post kills me. I need to do some deep house cleaning. Husband, two children, dog, three businesses in a summer restort town. 3 months to make the money yada yada yada. CRAP! I thought my excuses were excuse worthy.

M

You know what they say if an airplane goes down. You must first put the oxygen on yourself, then your loved ones.

I learned that I can't give my best unless I am my best. That means working out and eating right, period, end of story, new paragraph!!! I am a real excuse killer. If I can get up and work out at 4am in the hospital with a child possibly (and eventually) dying, no excuse is acceptable to me. When someone tries to excuse themselves to me, I call their bluff. Ordinarily I'm not that bold, but this is where it's easy for me to draw the line.

I just read a quote yesterday that said, "If I give all of my energy to other people and save nothing for myself, I can't blame them for taking it, can I?" I like that thought.

I also love the saying, "If you don't take control of your life, don't complain when others do!"

Excuses are for those who've decided to settle for "as good as it gets" and don't want badly enough to live a full life.

And, like the adage says: "If momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy".

Quote:

Originally Posted by melodi I understand putting your children first. At the same time I am wondering what kind of example is she setting for her children? I have tried to wake her up by telling her to get the kids involved in her fitness plan. Going to the gym and following a routine may be ideal, but getting creative and involving your children can be effective as well. We all struggle at times....but how often do we talk ourselves into something. How often is our reasoning really just an excuse? This is something I have become very aware of. There are many times I catch myself trying to sabotage my success. Negative self talk doesn't always sound so negative....sometimes you can convince yourself you are making a wise decision! Don't fall into that trap. Take time to make decisions that involve your health. Seek the input from friends and/or family members. Make sure you follow the truth and don't allow yourself to make excuses that hurt you and your family.

GOOD thinker Melodi.....This is a tough subject. Kids first? Us second?

This is such an important topic! Awhile back I was flying home and sat next to a lady who was explaining her reason for being overweight. I listened to her say:

"Well, we are a single income, so her children, husband, and house came first and when they were out of the house (graduated), then she would start a fitness program.........................etc."

While I understand her heart, I am saddened, then I looked into myself of where I was and where I am now.

By putting Sophie first, it completely effected my life. I never took time for myself in ANY way. I used to think that parents who took time for themselves away from the kiddies were selfish. Boy, was I wrong.

When I didn't work out, I was crabby, I was short fused with her, I didn't want to play with her, I was more succeptable to drinking in the evening because it "calmed my nerves"............And friends and family, encouraged me to have a glass of wine because it was good for me...........they meant well.

TODAY, I have no problem leaving Sophie for spurts. This allows me to recharge and come back healthier, happier, more patient, more intuned, more balanced, more grounded, and stronger for her needs.

As someone stated above, when Mommy is happy, everyone is happy. Sophie now knows that GYM is not a guy, but a place where Mommy builds muscles. They love her in the daycare, so we both win, and she physically see's Mommy hitting the gym. Not only are we building muscles, we are building stronger relationships, and building a strong foundation for our kids to see the importance of a healthy lifestyle.

When we put ourselves first, our lives flourish in every single way. Our personal/intimate relationships are stronger and with more meaning/connection; not to forget the added bonus of looking better . Our worklives become more balanced and we spend more time on our health vs. our wealth.

Putting ourselves first is not a selfish thing, it is a must thing.

FUNNY for the day:
I pulled up the gym last week or so, and was just plain exhausted.

I looked at Sophie and said, "Sophs, I think we may go back home, Mommy is just really tired right now!"

VERBATIM: Sophie says, "Mommy, we are already here, you might as well go ahead and get something in!"

..............and look at what we create.......accountability!

I couldn't agree with all of this more. I spent almost 20 years trying to be "Super Mom", doing everything for my kids--arranging my work schedule so I was at home, going to every basketball game, band competition, etc., spending hours upon hours listening to my daughter's fears and complaints about how she wanted this or that, neglecting myself and my relationship with my husband. I wanted to BE there for my kids and give them what I didn't have growing up (I'm sure this sounds like a lot of you out there).

Here is what ended up happening: The more I wanted to give and do for my children, the more I had to work (I had a home business, and I was only paid for whatever work I did) to pay for the stuff they wanted. The more I worked, the more guilty I felt because I knew I was neglecting my husband. Then I got resentful because I thought, "well, why doesn't he just work more so I don't have to have all the burden of paying for everything?" I was absolutely last on the list, and I was running myself ragged trying to be everything. The funny thing is that my children didn't seem to appreciate it--it was like that was my "duty". There was no respect there at all. And because my self esteem was so low and I wanted them to "like" me, I gave in all the time. My husband tried to talk to me about setting limits and making time for ourselves, but I was thinking, "but...these are our children! That's so selfish!" So the walls went up and just got thicker...

Here was the epiphany: I was talking to my daughter one day about her psychology class. She was talking about the different kinds of marriages--the "soul mate" marriage, the love/hate marriage, the friendship marriage, etc. She said (and I won't ever forget this--she was 17 at the time), "I think you and Dad have the friendship kind of marriage. I mean, you don't really fight, but there's certainly no spark or love there. If that's what marriage is like, then I don't think I ever want to get married."

She might as well have stabbed me. Here I thought that I was doing the right thing by giving my kids everything I didn't have, always being there, thinking, "well, at least we're still married," but what I was actually doing was modeling the behavior of a person with no self-respect, letting them take advantage of me, pushing away from the one person who, by God's law, is supposed to be THE most important person in my life here on earth (my husband).

So here is what I did: I started setting limits with the kids. Unfortunately they were 20 and 17 by this time, so a lot of damage had been done. I let them know that I would no longer be their maid and cook. I was cooking ONE dinner (a healthy one) and if they didn't want to eat it, that was fine, but they would have to make something for themselves. I told them I was going to exercise for 45 minutes a day and that was MY TIME. I would NOT be interrupted, so matter how many times I heard, "Mom! Can you come here?" I said I'd be glad to talk to them AFTER I was done working out, but I would not stop my workout to answer any questions, etc. Another thing I did (and to be honest, this took a longer time because those walls of resentment had been building for years) was start to really work on the relationship between my husband and me. I needed to realize that what I was perceiving as laziness on his part (his refusal to work more to help me out) was actually a passive-aggressive way of saying, "I am hurt. I want to spend time with you and you're putting everything ahead of me." And I had to stop my passive-aggressive action of playing the martyr and thinking, "Oh, fine. I'll just do it all myself--I do it anyway." I had to start TALKING about what I needed instead of thinking he could read my mind (yes, even after 25 years together we need to verbalize what we're feeling!)

And an amazing thing happened when I started to set limits and put my health and wellness as a priority. My children, even though they surely tested the limits at first, started to become more independent. They stopped constantly wanting, wanting, wanting when they realized that if they wanted something they were going to have to work for it THEMSELVES--it was not going to be "given" to them. I started to feel better about myself, and I realized that sometimes being a parent means being the "meanie", if it's for their own good, and that even I felt like the kids hated me I couldn't let that temporary hurt define who I was. And the best thing was that my relationship with my husband got better and better, as we MADE time for ourselves. Maybe it's just a half hour or 45 minutes at night, but that is OUR time to share and nourish our relationship. I feel like we've finally got our "delight right". We put God first above all else, then our marital relationship, then our kids, and then our health and our jobs.

Sorry for the long post, but I am hoping that maybe somebody will see their story in mine. Maybe somebody sees themselves and has very young children who are repeating this pattern. How I wish I would have caught on sooner and started making my health and my relationship with my husband a priority sooner! It's not being selfish...it's teaching your children self-respect. It doesn't mean that you love them any less...it means that you love them so much that you want to take care of yourself so that you'll be around for a very long time to see them grow up and be happy, unique, wonderful adults themselves.

LEIANA! RIGHT ON, perfectly stated! PERFECTLY!

Clarissa has given such a perfect example! If we are not a good example for our children, then who will be? We should make taking care of ourselves top priority. Our job is to make ourselves the best that we can be FOR our children because it is from us that they learn how "to be". Mentally, spiritually, and physically! Having my children want to follow my example gives my life purpose and meaning. When we value our health and our bodies, we create an overall sense of well-being that we pass on to our children. I have always been physically active and am happy to say that at almost 50 (oh, my!) I am the same size as my 20 year old daughter! I have to work twice as hard at it as she does, of course, but that is just it, she sees me working at it! All the work that I have done has been worth it in its relevance not only to my life, but hopefully to the future of my children.

And, YES, very perfectly stated Leiana!

Quote:

Putting ourselves first is not a selfish thing, it is a must thing.

Well said Clarissa!!

It's a big growing point in ourselves to discover that! I had neglected my own needs for so long...when I started exercising and taking time for me I was a much better person, mom & wife. AND so much happier!!! If something has to be neglected around our house it will be the housework or laundry. People matter more before things!

I agree with what everyone is saying. It sure takes us a while to figure out that we don't have to take a backseat to our children. I think we are bombarded with all of the child psychology of the day, trying to convince young mothers that your child should be the ultimate center of your universe. Don't get me wrong, I love my three children more than anything. But, for the first several years of their lives, I bought into the whole concept of doing everything for your kids. Think of them first and foremost in all decisions. Feel the "perpetual mommy guilt syndrome" if you do anything for youself. And it does exactly what everyone is saying here, puts your needs last which in effects hurts your kids down the road. Grumpy, overweight, irritable mommies are not good mommies, no matter how you cut it! Giving and giving to your kids often leads to them not appreciating anything you do, or anything they have. So, its a double whammy - mom becomes miserable, kids don't appreciate anything you do.

It's taken me a while to understand this flawed philosophy, and going through this transformation has really changed my priorities, and I see positive changes all around. My girls are proud of me, asking me frequently "what day are you on Mom?", "what did you do for your workout today, Mom?" Taking the time for myself, my health, has made me so much more pleasant to be around. I had turned into the irritable, at times plain ole mean, mommy. I didn't like that person. I hope she's gone forever!

I really appreciate the mommy stories. I am having some of these struggles too & it is also affecting my relationship with my DH.
Thank you all for sharing.