I am so out of control with my eating, I'm starting to get scared. This was week one for me and it started out great. Then bam, I sabotaged myself every chance I got. What is wrong with me. Why is it that the only thing I can control is the amount of abuse I inflict on myself? Why am I stuck on Step 8...Forgiveness. Why can't I bring myself to forgive? Does anyone else out there have issues with forgiveness and conquered it? What did you do, how did you get there. After much reflection and listening to Bill over and over again, I'm starting to realize that this is what is holding me back... I can't wait to hear from you guys!

Okay, I just read a thread on forgiveness and it was pretty powerful... As I read it I realized I am capable of forgiveness, as I have forgiven so much in my life already... The two men who sexually abused me as a child, an alcoholic father, a co-dependent mother... What I really need to do is forgive myself for marrying (2nd marriage) a man who is the mix of both my parents. He is a raging alcoholic and a codependent man that bases every decision on guilt and regret. The problem is, is that I'm scared to forgive him. Part of me feels that if I do, I will have to commit to leaving. I mean why would I stay in this mess? I have allowed it to cause me so much pain, so much obsession with his ex-wife and their relationship. Even as I type this I am physically ill. I'm frightened and I do know that I stay based out of financial fear. I crave to be without him. My problem is that there is another side to him, a side that I do love. He is so intelligent, so beautiful, and my children love him. He makes it possible for them to receive a private education which they absolutely thrive. I can say that it would literally damage my daughter to not have him in her life. Gosh, I'm such a basket case right now. Look at what I just wrote... I'm the quintessential weak woman. This why I struggle so much with my eating... it is literally the only thing I can control. I get to create this body made up of cheeseburgers and wine - my vices. (Not together that would be disgusting...). I know that if I forgive myself I will have the strength to leave and to be okay. Why am I so afraid of this?

Hi there

I cant imagine whats its like to have a childhood like you describe but i can relate to what its like being in a very distructful relationship and staying through fear.

I was fearful for similar reasons that you mentioned above 12yrs ago but I can honestly say it was the best decision I have ever made was deciding to leave, not just for me but for my children. At times he made it so awful i nearly went back several times but I couldnt cope with the thought of where i would be in a few yrs time if i went back.

My daughter doted on her dad and this was one of my fears too, she did take the split hard and he did everything in his power to try and destroy my relationship with the kids , even trying to take our home but each day i got stronger and in the end (2yrs later) he gave up and moved on wiis life.

My only downfall was how i coped with it all....by eating my feelings like you described above and this is what brought me to T.com to try and overcome and i am taking it each day at a time and i feel like im finally getting there. The big forgive opened my eyes to the fact that i needed to forgive myself for staying in the relationship for 10yrs and feeling guilty for subjecting my children(especially my son) to the unhappiness and volitile household we had when we were together.

Family life is so different for me now, I am married to a wonderful man, we are happy, there are no arguments, no shouting ,no alcohol, no fear and everyone including you deserves that. My kids are doing so well, and they now have a better relationship with their father and he is now in a better place but he needed to find a way to do that himself. No matter how much we try we cannot change those we love they have to do that for themselves and this is the same with your husband.

I guess what i am trying to say is, change is one of the hardest things anyone has to face and while we think the worst, we often find in the end its been the best decision of our lives. I wish you well in what ever you decide to do but i think until you address whats causing your unhappiness your coping mechanism (food)will likely not change.

The only suggestion i can offer is continue to do Bill's steps as i think you will gather strength in understanding whats important to you, what you want out of life. Keep trying to make good food choices and become more active and look for the WINS in your day, write a journal or blog on here and look for inspiration to keep you going. You can do this.!! I believe no matter what the circumstances we have the power to change it , by taking one step at a time and connecting with people who will support you on here.

hugs to ya
april x

Thank you for responding to my thread. It is this step 8 that has seriously stopped me in my transformation tracks... I will also look into your group

Remind yourself that this process is not a "change-everything-all-at-once-and-be-done-with-it" transformation. It's a process of 1) learning what's most important for you in your life, 2) making a plan to move toward those goals, 3) gradually sticking with your plan more & more often as you start to enjoy some of your successes, 4) learning to self-correct more quickly when you veer off course.

1. You may need to work & re-work exercise #1 - the foundation for your transformation. There may be many things you want to change in your life - brainstorm & make a long list to keep for later on down the line. Then decide from that list which 3 of those changes are the very top priorities for you? Which 3 changes do you want to make, and most importantly, WHY are these 3 things so important to you? Give yourself a week or two to re-visit & re-work this exercise.

Once you really start sorting through this exercise & getting your thoughts & feelings out of your head & actually written down on paper, things will probably evolve & become more clear for you. You may end up changing one or more of your priorities. Or you may end up discussing each one in more depth or just tweaking them a bit.

Unless your 3 chosen goals are really of paramount importance to YOU in YOUR life, it's more difficult to justify your choices & decisions day after day & to stay the course. Your 3 goals & your reasons behind them are your driving force to propel you forward & to make the choices you make each day.

2. And to maximize your success, you must strive to stay in touch with those goals every day, in whatever ways you can. Life can be crazy & full & distracting. The negative voices & thoughts can steer us in directions that we don't want to go. Whatever we can do to keep our most important priorities in the forefront every day will help us.

Until we make the commitment to ourselves, no plan or person is going to make the difference. It's like someone who wants to quit smoking (or drinking or overeating or...). Nobody else can talk them into it (a child's pleading, the example of a parent with emphysema or a friend with lung cancer, a doctor's medical advice, advertising scare tactics...) & no nicotine replacement (or prescription drug for quitting, or hypnosis, or...) will do it. Nothing will work until that person decides they are ready & makes the decision to take control of their own behavior. THEN those other things can help tremendously, but not until then. Read Chapter 9 in Bill Phillips' Transformation book: Accepting Responsibility.

Perhaps your children are old enough to understand, on some level, some of your goals. Maybe you can share the basics of this process with them. Or help them to prioritize some goals of their own & then work beside each other in their own transformations.

I ended up writing this reply in Microsoft Word, then copying & pasting it here. It's been an exercise for me also - to clarify my own process! My thoughts & prayers are with you. Janet

Nikon_Girl, I don't have any answers for you - there are some good answers above this post of mine - but I do want to tell you you're not alone. I, too, am stuck on step 8 and have been for months. And I, too, sabotage my eating every time I'm off to a good start.

So all I can do right now is say I hear you, I understand your struggle, and you deserve the richest, most emotionally stable, most joy-filled life possible. Hugs to you.

Melissa

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nikon_Girl I am so out of control with my eating, I'm starting to get scared. This was week one for me and it started out great. Then bam, I sabotaged myself every chance I got. What is wrong with me. Why is it that the only thing I can control is the amount of abuse I inflict on myself? Why am I stuck on Step 8...Forgiveness. Why can't I bring myself to forgive? Does anyone else out there have issues with forgiveness and conquered it? What did you do, how did you get there. After much reflection and listening to Bill over and over again, I'm starting to realize that this is what is holding me back... I can't wait to hear from you guys!

Step 8 is a tough one. have you read the chapter? have you read it again? By not forgiving you are the one holding on to this (what ever it is) the other person is off doing there own thing living lifewhile you are stuck! Free up your life... Find inside of you the will to really do this step. This is going to free you from the past and help you move towards the future.
You can do this! You are worth forgiving and letting it go... This life is about you. Forgiving is about you! Janiece

Nikon_Girl, What helped me was when I realized that by forgiving them I wasn't saying it was okay what they did...I was saying I am letting you and the memory of the issue go, so that I can move on with my life. As far as the constant eating...I try to remember that transformation isn't about "A" choice..but many choices, everyday. I have, and will again, make a bad choice maybe more than once a day, but the next time I reach for a soda, or cookie etc I can make a new choice, no matter what my previous choices have been. Right then I have one moment, one choice. Let me ask you, Would you knowingly put gasoline with dirt in it, in your car? Wouldn't that clog your fuel line and cause problems with your car? Well, put the good "fuel" in your body....

The big forgive was the hardest step for me as well. I had so much baggage in my past that I refused to unload. No matter how many times I read that chapter I would think, "hell no I am not going to forgive". Then some personal thing occurred and a deep reflection into this subject made me realize that in order to move forward this step is critical. I started forgiving people who had hurt me and to my surprise the other steps began to fall into place. I found my stress eating went away. Take a really deep look at the things you to forgive for and ask yourself if it is worth it to hang onto it or would you really like to live the life you deserve. The bottom line it that this is truly up to you.

I know this may sound almost too easy and I know it isn't. I am not here to compare war stories but I know how you feel. But as I see your post I see a lot of whys. Forget the whys and start working on the hows. You can do this. You are the creator of our own destiny as are we all. Namaste.

Dear Nikon Girl....

First of all.....I have to make you smile by asking why you are Nikon -Girl....do you like photography? I love Nikon too. So we do have one thing in common.....

Another thing we have in common is the food - control. Isn´t it just unbelievable how we can sabotage ourselves. Last week I did so great with eating and exercise and this weekend has been a struggle. I just finished a whole pack of biscuits by myself. Im sure if a person delves deeply it has something to do with your believes in yourself. Not believing that you can succeed....or not believing that you deserve better.

and maybe that explains your eating too....and also why we stay in abusive relationships. It is so hard to believe that we can make it on our own. To believe that we are strong enough. To believe that we will make it. I do not think that you are weak.

It is very , very hard to get divorced when you have children.

I know, because I just separated after a 10 year marriage. And I remember the fear over the last few months. It is terrible. You think about the end of the relationship and the uncertainty of the future all day long, and it is like a dark cloud hanging over your head.

But then the day finally come and you have no choice but to move through your fear.....there is no turning back. And once the fear is behind you, you will see that it was not so bad after all......you are still alive......

your fear actually became bigger than the problem itself.....

tell me what happened to you......did you stay or did you leave.......it has been a few months since your post. Lots could have happened........but on the other hand we can also stay in the same situation year after year......

what did you decide....

love

Michelle
( Cherillyxxx)

and a quote from Fran Herbert the Author of Dune

´´I must not fear
Fear is the mind- killer
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration
I will face my fear and when it is gone I will turn an inner eye to see its path
and where fear is gone there will be nothing
only I will remain ...´´

Robin Sharma.....´´ON THE OTHER SIDE OF YOUR FEAR LIVES YOUR BIGGEST LIFE´´

The only thing I can add is to try and build your week around your food cheat day. Planning out a few killer cheat meals in detail on say Saturday might help you to stick to a healthy eatin regime during the other 6 days.
Good Luck and God Bless
Eric

When I was in a bad marriage I used to pray to make us closer, to make me a better wife, to help our marriage, etc. But it takes two in a marriage to make it work and you can't control the other person. They have free will.

Then I changed my prayers to " If we are meant to be together then heal the marriage and bring us into harmony.......but if there are problems let them become so clear that I have the backbone to separate, and let all feelings of love die so that there is no trauma from separation.

As soon as I changed my prayer and quit feeling like breaking up a family was going against God's wishes, I found peace in the process. It was in God's hands. Immediately tons of things began to come to light that was over and above what I thought was just a horrible marriage. Drug problems came to light, he was caught with another woman, etc....every time I made an excuse, a bigger uglier problem was thrown in front of me. I was plainly shown this was not the man for me, even though we had been married for 20 years. And when I filed for divorce, every ounce of feeling was gone. I was serene and confident that this was the right choice. He stalked and traumatized the family for over a year, following my children around and scaring them with his tears and guilt, falling into heavy drugs. The police arrested him so many times it became a felony. They took away his guns he had in the car.

In all of this, I never lost faith that I was on the right path. And that this was the right decision. We are now all healthy. My children have grown and have children of their own. My ex has moved on and has someone else in his life. It's been 10 years and I am now engaged to a wonderful person who is healthy and supportive of me. I may struggle with my weight because I need to get a back bone and correct a sugar addiction, but I am not in a hopeless relationship that fills me with unhappiness and despair. You only have one life. Don't waste it. But don't regret your choices. They are what has built you into what you are and will give you the experience and knowledge to set yourself free. There were times I didn't leave because of the children. Now I am proud of who they have become. My girls are strong workers, kind hearted and well balanced. It took years for them to get there, but they may never have arrived there if I hadn't provided the example that people are valuable and should never stay in a situation where they are mentally or physically abused and treated badly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nikon_Girl I am so out of control with my eating, I'm starting to get scared. This was week one for me and it started out great. Then bam, I sabotaged myself every chance I got. What is wrong with me. Why is it that the only thing I can control is the amount of abuse I inflict on myself? Why am I stuck on Step 8...Forgiveness. Why can't I bring myself to forgive? Does anyone else out there have issues with forgiveness and conquered it? What did you do, how did you get there. After much reflection and listening to Bill over and over again, I'm starting to realize that this is what is holding me back... I can't wait to hear from you guys!

I know what you mean. I eat sugar. Lots of sugar. And I eat it when I get stressed and now I wonder if I get stressed just so I can eat sugar. I will buy sweets intending then to last me for days and eat them all in one day. I look at myself and can't believe what I have done to ruin my looks.