How do you forgive someone who has passed? I have worked on this and have let go of much resentment, but still there is anger that surfaces every now and then.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shaydz Forgiveness is such a great subject in regard to transformation. In fact, I personally believe we must learn to forgive in order to truly make a transformation...but not just other people, more importantly, we must forgive ourselves. At least that what I've found in my own life. I've been through this lately with someone who I've spent years being abused by. I've harbored all kinds of hatred and resentment toward her and I've let her treatment of me affect me in ways I'm not proud of. Yes, when I was young, I didn't have much control over how she treated me, but as I grew up, I did. I just didn't realize it. I let the patterns of the past dictate the present and thought that I had to keep taking the emotional beating. I didn't know any better. I let her unwittingly dictate my mood every single time I saw her. It would ruin my day and I would spend the rest of the day thinking about how much I hated her. I would complain to anyone who would listen. I'm sure it got old for them cause it was certainly old for me! I don't remember exactly how it happened, but one day in one of my counseling sessions, I was talking about her and realized that she was not the person I needed to forgive. I realized that *I* was the one I needed to forgive for allowing her to treat me in the manner she had been for 25 years. It wasn't her fault she treated me that way. I'm the one who didn't have enough self-respect to stand up to her and I hated myself for that. She was only doing what she does, just as we all do. That behavior is normal for her. But I kept putting myself in her direct path knowing this. So who's fault is that? My own - and it finally clicked. And I had been blaming her all these years for my unhappiness (well, she's just one of the people I've pinned this on). It was empowering to realize and in that moment of self-forgiveness, I almost magically forgave her. It wasn't concious, there was no effort involved. It was weird. It just happened. And it had not a single thing to do with her. Not a thing! You'll never guess what happened the next time I saw her... she gave me a big hug and spoke to me like a normal human being!!! And she has ever since. I never said a word to her about forgiving her or about my personal epiphany. Don't get me wrong, I definitely keep my guard up around her but I'm cordial to her. I think that when I forgave myself, I gained so much empowerment, love and respect for myself that she, on some level, knew that I would no longer tolerate her bad behavior. I let her go. And the love I'd been seeking from her for years no longer mattered because I have all the love I need right inside my own heart. And let's face it, what she thinks of me is none of my business. But to see that, I had to first forgive the most important person in the world to forgive....me! This may sound really strange, but I really should thank her for showing me many of the things I was ashamed of myself for. She was there to show me the areas of my life that need healing and I've finally embraced this. It's a constant work in progress, but I am working on it. And I have her to thank. I don't know the circumstances of your situation, but I hope this helps!

WOW!!!! This si so difficult. I feel this way about my ex-husband. Everytime I allow him to get to me, I get mad at him and even more mad at myself! Yes, somehow I can't seem to shake it - and I bekieve, intellectually, that forgiving him will be freeing for me, but I don't want to forgive him! He doesn't deserve it! I know this is childish and petty, but I can't seem to get over it. He's one of those people I would like to have out of my life - I really don't like him at all and don't like the way he treats my kids - but, since we have kids together, I have to deal with him. I cringe everytime I have to talk to him on the phone or in person. He feels so sorry for himself and doesn't "get" our kids or their needs or how he hurts them. Like you, one minute of talking to him can color my entire day with bitterness and resentment and internal dialogs with and or about him! I don't like that he has that much power over me!!

Help! Besides moving, any suggestions on how to get to that place?

I read these words over and over, and look at all the great people here and I want to thank you all for such precious thoughts. As for my own...I think forgiveness is the hardest thing in the world. However, it is because of that difficulty in nature that the need is so strong to forgive. I never realized the burden I carried upon myself until I just visited my father's grave recently and sat there next to it, having a conversation. It started out as just a showing up, and next thing you know, I am in tears, asking questions, sometimes screaming at the top of my lungs at the stone and finally when all was said and done, inbetween sobs and curses, I stood up and looked down at it and said... "I can't do this any more. I won't. Where ever you are, what ever you are doing, I hope you rest in peace because I forgive you." Now some would call this dramatic and I am sure if anyone had seen the episode they would have called for the people in the white shirts, but as I think through it all Christin hit the nail on the head. By forgiving him, I was forgiving myself. What do I mean? How do you make this connection you ask?

For me, this is how I see it. When we hold that grudge, when we hold that person or persons responsible for our "ill fate" we empower them, even from the grave, and in doing so... we become those very victims most of swear we would never be. Instead of doing something about it, we internalize and go deeper into that deep and dark place to the point where we feel no one could ever understand. At least this is from my experience. So we hold it deeper and deeper... and in all that when we finally let go of that pain, we can finally not only free ourselves of the burnen but ultimately hold ourselves accountable. I am who I am not because of that past but because of my willingness to let that past rule my very life. It is in those thoughts we become self destructive.... and moreso..> LOST. I have been reading alot of buddist text and couldn't get past the thought of forgiveness... and NOW I know why and it's one of the most empowering things I have done in my life. No fanfare, no cheers, not even a witness, only the fact that this life is mine to live and I am in control of it. Bless you all.

I love what Shaydz said

" I realized that *I* was the one I needed to forgive for allowing her to treat me in the manner she had been for 25 years. It wasn't her fault she treated me that way. I'm the one who didn't have enough self-respect to stand up to her and I hated myself for that."

I agree completely, you need to forgive yourself as much as anyone else. Forgive me for quoting myself from a blog I wrote a while back:

"Often we hold grudges against people for things they have done to us, or things we think they should have done for us. We ruminate upon their misdeeds and think of what we should do to repay their unkindness. We imagine what “karma” will do to them. We hold the hurt tightly to ourselves like an old friend, retelling the stories of woe over and over to anyone who will listen, hoping for camaraderie in the pain. We hold the hurt they have caused us deep inside where it festers and boils turning our insides black with rot. First we are hurt, then we use that hurt against ourselves, wounding ourselves further.

This is not a good thing.

Who do your grudges hurt the most? Who feels them? You, and no one else. I may have wronged you and you feel a great deal of anger towards me, but I don’t feel a thing from your anger, do I? No, I go merrily on my way, while your anger eats you alive. Forgive. Let go and let God. When you forgive someone, you free yourself from the anger and pain of the hurt. You allow yourself to move forward with your life freed from the bondage to your pain."

Also, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, it just means letting go of the emotional attachment and moving forward. By no means should you just let the same things happen again that caused the pain in the first place. I will forgive myself for overeating and letting myself go, but you bet I will not forget that it happened. And if someone wrongs me, I will remember and be careful to not allow it again if I can prevent it.


And Lizzie, I know it's very hard when you are so emotionally attached to someone. Even now if I think about certain people from the past I can feel the same knots forming in my stomach, but you have to just sort of change the subject in your mind, remove yourself from the situation and instead of concentrating on what happened in the past, think about where you are now and act from the position of power that will give you. So he feels sorry for himself, that is definitely his problem, try to tune it out - how would you react to that if he was a complete stranger - think in those terms. He only has the power over you, that you GIVE to him.


That's true of anyone we deal with. I guess in some ways that's how unforgiveness is, it's power you are giving to the past to control you now.



Forgive.


Have a wonderful day everyone.