Bill Phillip's | Transformation

Refocusing after an off week...

Sorry I've been MIA for most of this week, ya'll.  I've been feeling kinda like a bride feels after her wedding day, or a girl the day after her quincenera.  All they hype, then the day comes, and then....what???

But there is also the situation at home.  Ya'll know about Hombre's drinking problem.  For the past three, today will be four days, he's been drinking ALOT.  He goes to his sisters house which is around the corner from us, and he stays there until late drinking.  His sister doesn't drink like he does, but she will not turn her back on her big brother.   Hombre hasn't drank this much, this often in a long time.  Last night while I slept on the couch crying, and Hombre was passed out in the bedroom, I realized that the anniversary of "the accident" is coming up. 

You see, when Hombre was 20 years old, he and his brother, who was 19, were coming back from fishing at a local lake.  Ironically, and surprisingly, no alochohol was involved.  They were hit head on when the car coming towards them around a bend crossed the line and drove right into their lane.  Hombre's brother was killed instantly.  The lady driving the other car died at the hospital a couple of hours later.  Hombre was trapped in the car, his legs pinned by the dash.  Both of his femur's broke, and I was told by the doctor at the hospital that when they found him, his legs were still pointing forward while Hombre was lying on his back across the drivers seat, where his brother had been sitting.  When we got to the hospital, the doctor didn't know if he was going to make it.  But in my heart, I just had this feeling that God would not take both of the boys.  I had faith that he would pull through, and he did.

The hardest part was when his mother had to keep telling him that his brother didn't survive the accident.  Each time he would wake up and ask for his brother, and his mother would tell him, he would break down crying like it was the first time hearing the news.  They were so, so close.  Looking back, I think that is when his drinking started to become a problem.  I believe he suffers from survisors guilt.

I have been wallowing in these emotions the last few days.  Guilt for not being able to help him feel better.  Anger that he turns to drinking to deal, or rather, not deal with his emotions.  Lonely, because when he's like this, I have no partner.  Sad because I know he's in pain, but he won't talk about it to me. 

I see myself sinking into this bad place emotionally.  I've been eating just to try and make myself feel better.  Just because I'm aware of it, doesn't stop me from eating.  I have not been working out, nor running...nothing.  I see myself slowling falling back into victim mode.  I don't like this! Why am I allowing this to happen?  Why am I just folding up into myself, and pretty much giving up?

I accomplished something last week that I am SO proud of.  But that seems to be overshadowed by all this other "stuff."  Why am I letting his actions affect my actions?  I am the one with the power to make myself feel better, and sitting here feeling sorry for myself, feeling bad for Hombre, or feeling anger toward him is not going to get me to where I want to be spiritually. 

After a LONG ass morning and afternoon of not really speaking to each other, he finally said he was going to his sisters house.  Like always, he said he is only going to be gone for an hour or two.  I'm not going to hold my breath.  My daughter went to watch fireworks with her older brother and his girlfriend.  I don't know where my other daughter is, since she never showed up for our run today.  I don't like going to watch fireworks because someone is always acting a fool and starts fighting, or people are drinking, and then trying to get home afterwards is crazy.  OK...so maybe I just wanted to be left alone to feel sorry for myself.  Yeah....I admit it.

But what to do?  Well, tomorrow I'm going to get up and get my run in, with or without my daughter.  I plan to finish my Couch 2 5K program, and then move on to another program I found online to prepare for a half marathon.  I am also determined to get my weight workouts in.  If I miss workouts, this is usually the first thing I cut out.  It's time to get serious and do EVERYTHING I can to meet my goals.  Just do the work, and forget about worrying if so-and-so doesn't like it, etc.  Time to get serious about my meals, and preparing them ahead of time. 

So as I sit here all alone at the moment, I'm going to plan my workouts for next week, and my meals.  Thank y'all for letting me vent.  I hope you all have a very happy Forth of July!!!

~hugs