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Step 8 - The Big Forgive
After some introspection, these are three incidences and people which I’ve identified I hold some resentment towards:1. Older cousin - 10
2. Childhood kid - 8
2. Childhood kid - 8
3. Myself - 8
4. Mom & Dad - 6
How I rate the emotional impact, on a scale of 1-10, of each of the grievances listed above is:
(Write down the ratings next to your list above.)
One way holding this resentment benefits my health is:
I can’t think of any.
Three feelings I would enjoy if I were able to completely eliminate this resentment from my mind and heart are:
1. A huge sense of relief.
2. Inner peace.
3. Happiness and better attitude.
Three ways my health and life would improve as a result of completely forgiving the offender and letting go of this resentment are:
1. Live a healthier and more vibrant life.
2. Be a better father to my kids and a better husband to my wife.
3. Feel more confident and pursue business endeavours.
My Big Hurt story which expresses how I perceive the hurtful incident goes like this:
I was born in Aiken, South Carolina on January 25, 1975. Born the son of a Pentecostal preacher, I had been in more church services by age 5 than many kids twice my age. During my youngest years, we lived in Wheaton, Maryland. I have fond memories of that time. We lived very close to Washington D.C. and spent many Saturdays touring that place.
Soon my father got a pastoral position at a church back in South Carolina. On my 6th birthday, my mom, brother, and I flew to South Carolina to live closer to my dad’s sister and her family.
We spent a lot of time at my aunt’s house that year. Her 2 children were my older cousins - one teenage boy and one girl. During the time we lived in South Carolina, I was sexually molested by my older teenage cousin. This happened several times during the course of a year.
Being so young, I really didn’t understand what had happened to me. I knew the things he did to me and had me do were not right. I felt scared. I was afraid to tell anyone. At the tender young age of 6, I felt hurt and alone.
At age 7 we moved to Quitman, Mississippi. It felt like a fresh start. A new lease on life. I had no problem adjusting to a new school and making friends. I did all the typical things a young boy would: played little league baseball, rode bikes all day, fished, tubed down rivers, etc.
Our family was real close with one of the families in our church. We spent lots of time with them. They had a son a few years older than me. I got invited to stay over several times at their house. One time I was spending the night, and the older boy sexually molested me. He was stronger than I and very intimidating.
At the age of 8, here I was again in the same situation. What was wrong with me? Why did this continue to happen to me? I was determined not to let that happen again. I shared what had happened with my mother. She was outraged. She talked to family about it. Unfortunately, this had HUGE repercussions.
Now when I went over to that house, the boy would take me outside and taunt me like the bully he was. He would threaten to kick my a**. I would sit on the back porch crying. He would take me on the back of his motor bike, and drive slow past huge dogs as they barked and bit at my legs. It was such a horrible time for me. I was so angry at myself for not standing up to him. I was so down on myself.
As I continued to internalize these negative feelings and emotions, I compensated on the outside by becoming more outgoing and extroverted. I gained wonderful friends and rarely had enemies.
In the 4th grade there was this kid who tried to bully me one Summer afternoon. He was slight taller than I. When he started trying to start a fight, I tore into him. All those pinned up emotions and feelings just started coming out. I started crying like a baby as I punched him. I felt sorry for that kid. He never messed with me again.
At age 9 we went back to visit our family in South Carolina. The older cousin, who was in college now, was home visiting. And like before, he asked my parents if I could room with him. I was too afraid to say anything. And like before, he sexually molested me again.
The next day I decided I would stand up to him. I told him I would room with my younger brother that night. He tried to convince me otherwise, but I said NO. He never said another word about it.
Pentecostal church services focus a lot on sin, judgement, and getting right with God. Many people refer to this as a “fire and brimstone” approach. There’s also talk of God’s mercy, grace, and forgiveness, but I always felt like every sermon was directed toward me. Every week I would sit in services, hear the messages, and feel afraid I was going to hell for what had happened. I prayed to God for forgiveness. As time went on, I learned to internalize these feelings more and more.
As I got older, probably around 12 or 13, I learned about the concept of sexual molestation. I realized what had happened to me was not my fault. I was the innocent child victim in this horrific real-life nightmare. My feelings of guilt started to change. I started feeling anger toward my cousin. Why did he do that to me?! What the **** is wrong with him! Why?! I couldn’t find answers to these questions. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.
I asked God why he let this happen to me!? I was frustrated. I tried to lead a good life but still this happened. I wanted to rebel. I felt like people were always watching to see if I would slip up. I was the preacher’s kid. They don’t always get a good rap. And anytime I did slip up, I always felt so guilty. It felt like I let down God, my family, my church, and myself.
Despite all the self-inflicted pressure, I did rebel. I knew I was not homosexual, even though these horrible events happened to me. I was definitely attracted to girls. So I made it a mission to pursue girls. I felt by engaging in sexual activity with girls, it would prove my sanity and release my pain. I was wrong. It only added to my pain, shame, and guilt. So all throughout my teens, I struggled with guilt, shame, and living up to this standard I put in front of me.
Today, I attend a different church. While the Bible talks about sin and judgement, I’ve learned that God is also a loving God. He wants the best for us. He extends his mercy and grace with outstretched arms. I no longer feel internal guilt about what happened to me as a child. But I have still been holding on to anger and resentment toward this person for what he did to me so long ago. It’s been like a poison inside of me. I am tired of carrying this burden. I am ready to let go of it once and for all!
As I write this story, even after all this, I unselfishly and courageously granted my older cousin complete forgiveness, out of the goodness of my heart. Through this act of grace and mercy, I have completely let go of the issue once and for all.
A nonjudgmental, unconditionally supportive person I can talk through my Big Hurt story with is:
My wife and my Transformation support group.
Jonathan
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WOW johnathon you have done a great job getting this out and I am sure that you feel a huge sense of relief that it was not your fault and can move on from what happened. It takes great courage to do what you did and I am glad you have found peace. Greatest respect for sharing x
I too had an older cousin who went down a similar path. There was no bullying or intimidation involved, but he still took advantage of a younger cousin who didn't know that what was happening to him was molestation. It took a lot of courage to share these painful childhood memories Jonathon. We understand that Forgiveness simply means "I bless you and release you" so that I may be healed of the hurt. Holding onto it literally is like swallowing poison and waiting for our enemies to die.
I am so happy and proud that you have released that hurtful past and you don't have to carry it around with you anymore. Congrats Jonathon!!! Your Brother in life and proud Friend =Derrick
J-Bizzle!!!! Hey brotha sorry Ive been MIA, life and laziness got in the way, But just like before I wont give up.... no matter what So, Im back at it again!!! Thats so awesome about your step 8!!!! You really blew my mind with that... I guess we dont realize how hurt we have inside.... then after a while it becomes a part of us... and we dont want to let it go!! Kudos to you!!! I will soon join you in the good fight!!!!!! sincerely your Friend Jesse N.
Jonathan, you are a courageous man and a hero! Thank you for sharing your experience. Its hard to grasp what you faced, and it makes it all the more amazing what you are accomplishing. Living in today and intentionally tomorrow is all we can do. The haunts can take a seat. Your victory is coming. All the best, Rob
Jonathan - lots here, and I truly hope you feel better for having let go. May the peace and breath of God hold you, keep you, and reassure you for all of your days. You are precious, you are cherished, you are loved. Much light - Bill
Jonathan this is huge and I am very proud that you shared this with us. I will not repeat what others have said here if you need to talk more about it please message me anytime. Keep being the change my brother. ----Love ya Wade
Dear Johnathan, I am so touched by your story of strength and courage. I am proud and honored to know you. God is good and he loves us... as we draw closer to Him we experience the full Blessings that He has for us each and every day! Love, Kim
Jonathan, I so admire you for digging deep and releasing the resentment and hurt that was done to you at such a young age. It's going to allow you to be free to continue on your journey with a lighter load on your heart. God bless you my friend! Love ya, Susie
DEEP WORK JONATHON ..... I cannot imagine the pain you went through... I am ELATED to see that you have broken the huge SHACKLE this must have been !! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU !!! God Bless you brother , love , ron
Jonathon, You show courage when most choose to keep it locked down. Being a PK can be very hard!! My father was a PK and shared how people thought life was easy for him. As you know Satan is always looking to destroy a man's testimony of Christ. Proud of you! Love & Peace, Lynn
Jonathan, I am sorry that happened to you, that must have been a terrible thing to go through. I know it must have took a lot of courage to share this and I commend for being strong enough to work through this. Your a great guy and you deserve great things. Have a great week. Brian
Jonathan, I don't really know what to say...your story was close to home for me. Thank you for sharing and I am inspired by your courage to move forward. Thank you for your friendship and your great example. You are amazing. -Angela
Ah... bless your brave heart, Jonathan... thanks for sharing... this gives me courage and inspiration to face my Big Forgive and I'll complete this weekend. HUGS and much love, Kim
Wow! That's quite a story. I'm so glad you were able to find forgiveness in your heart for your cousin and free yourself. You are doing an amazing job on your transformation!
Jonathon, amazing working in looking inward to yourself and getting beyond the hurt caused by others to you. I'm proud of you. I'm sure you feel relieved and free the burden of pain. Your friend, Joe
Jonathan, WOW and Way to Go BRO. I am so proud of and I am truly blessed to be a part of your life and I know that this was not an easy thing to do. Thank you for letting me a small part in the journey. Love Ya, Ray
Hi Jonathan, I wanted to say thank you for letting me know about your step 8. I feel honored you chose to share it with me. I can't imagine the pain you must have felt especially where such a close family member took advantage of you. You are so courageous and I feel such happiness for you that you could let this go in order for you to move on. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and I sincerely hope you achieve all you dream for. Your story will help a vast number of people in the future. God bless you. Al
Jonathan, Way to go! I like the way you put this together and I admire how much courage it must have taken to share this. This will really help me to tackle Lesson 8 as I am not quiet there yet. I think forgiveness is difficult for most of us only because we're human and it is a god-like quality; something very spiritual that we have to development within ourselves. I'm sure you must have felt like 100lbs of emotional weight just evaporated instantly. And thanks for sending me the note. ~ Mark
I am sorry about all the emotional pain you survived and I am so very grateful for Bill Phillips and Transformation! Jonathon, may you always be blessed for the kingdom of love, peace, joy and happiness are graciously dwelling within every cell of your BEing! Super Mega Loving STARJUMPS of JOYous CONGRATULATIONS!!! So very happy, and so, so very PROUD of YOU! I love you, my dear brother in Transformation~Mega Hugs Rejoicing the beautiful unconditional love you have presented yourself with, Diane xox
Sweet Jonathan my heart is just overjoyed for you that you can finally release all of this and move forward dear. You deserve all of the peace, clarity and love coming to you! LOVE Joan
Dear Jonathan the courage and strength you have shown to work through this step is amazing! I remember when I did my first forgive my heart hurt for days and then it seemed miracuously free! This is a very hard step to work through but necessary! Great job on this, you are doing so good! Mary
Great job, Jonathan. This is such a huge step for you. This incident is no longer a weight around your neck, holding you back. You are now lighter and stronger and ready to take on even greater challenges. Big step for you. ~ Larry
Jonathan, your ability to forgive your cousin after all these years is truly amazing. I know it takes a lot of stress off of you and has set you free. I am happy that you now know the loving and caring God who is always there to help and forgive. He is able to see us through our darkest and our brightest hours. Fran
YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!! A:
Wow Jonathan you look amazing. Congratulations on your hard work and continue on your journey to a new and exciting life~ Kim
Jonathan: You have completed one of the toughest steps and I am very proud of you! Through no fault of your own you've been carrying around this poison and now you have begun one of the truly amazing parts of Transformation. Bea
Jonanthan ~ YOU ARE A VICTOR! No longer the victim. As a victor myself with a very similar story one thing I've learned is the power of forgiveness. Your journey in this chapter is so evident in your eloquently written truth and process. Know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There was a time when I felt very isolated, and asked the same questions of why, how could..., why didn't somebody protect me...I learned through my warrior sister, Mellie, that although I may never get those answers I can heal, love, and be loved unconditionally - but most importantly share my journey with those who have had similar journeys and be there guide. YOU my friend are now in a place where others who will come behind you will lean on you for advice. I truly believe you're in a place where you can give it now that you've walked through the process. SO PROUD OF YOU!! SO PROUD!! Much love, appreciation, admiration, and support ~ Kelli
The Lord has done a fantastic work in you. Not only are you set free, but you have released those who have hurt you so that God can deal with them in His own way. Remember, "Love is a command, Forgiveness is a decision, Trust must be earned." Although you may never be able to trust those who violated you, you can be sure that the forgiveness you have given has truly set you free. Blessings, my friend.
Good for you Jonathan and good for the world! You can now teach true letting go and healing to those you are with ! You are becoming a wonderful example of what doing your own inner amd outer work can do! This was a incrediably hard thing to have experienced in your life and you have become victorious and a better man through it! God Bless you Jonathon and I a,m glad you are finding inner peace and acceptance! Job well Done! Marty
Jonathan, I'm so happy for you that you have now released yourself from being a victim. Forgiving him and letting it go has freed you and will now allow you to release that negative energy that has held you captive. I'm so sorry you had to endure that and unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change the past, but you can let it go, just like you have. In my experiences, I have used them to be a protector over my children to make sure history doesn't repeat itself. You know what to look for, not only in your children, but in others. You can help to prevent this horrible event from happening to them. Congratulations for completing this step, it's a huge one and you did it!!!
Jonathan, what a courageous step to put it all out there and work through all of the past hurt and pain! It is truly beautiful to see how far you have come, to be able to forgive and let the resentment go. This is beautifully written and from the heart. I'm so happy for you and the peace you must feel! ~Mel
Joanthan, Very Very Powerful my friend! It takes courage to open up and let these things out but when we do we realize they begin to lose their power! I am so proud of you for writing this and your willingness to share with all of us who care about you very much!!!! Were here to give you unconditional support brother! This past challenge I have seen so much growth from you and I am so proud! You have a powerful story, one that will impact many others along the way. Though we have different pasts, I lived a life full of regret and disappointment before Transformation. I couldn't understand why so many bad things followed me throughout my life. But looking back I can say with confidence that all of the crap I went through will be used to help others that are going through the things I went through years ago, all for the glory of God! And I feel you will do the same thing. God has a mighty plan for you. I have no doubt! Love ya brother!!! Much Respect ~Shawn~
What a truly beautiful step in your life Jonathan. I can't tell you how strong and courageous I think you are. You accomlished more in one week than most in a lifetime. The marathon and now this beautiful gift to yourself of feeling and then letting go of the past. Your life will never be the same. You are a shining example of what is possible in this world. To forgive something like this. Good thoughts coming your way, Love, Mary
Jonathan, I wanted to stop by and let you know I am so proud of you for working through this step. I could feel the hurt through the words you expressed, and I can also sense your release of it all. Praying God's best for you, your family, your future!
Jonathan, I am so happy for you to truly let this hurt go. I admire your transparency and really digging into the feelings you have felt about the whole awefullness of each situation. I am thankful you did turn your life around, got married, started a beautiful family instead of ... And now you are coming into control of your body and health - I thank God! Your little boy (along with your girls) are blessed to have you as their Dad. Love, Kym
Jonathon - You are a survivor and thru surviving you become a winner and a saint in my eyes. Thankyou for sharing your pain and exposing the truth. You have become an amazing man and now lead by example and what healing can bring to ones life. Thank you also for your kind words on my Step 8 work also. I don't know how I would of come thru what you have endured, just as you don't know how you would of come thru my pain. We are all individuals on a very heart felt journey. But what is so brave is that we are now facing out demons, exposing them and in doing so releasing ourselves to an incredible life ahead, not just for our selves, but for our partners and more importantly our children. We will shine my friend. God Bless, Lisa.
You are amazing. As I sit here reading your story I can hear my own 7 year old little boy sitting on the couch behind me, playing his video game, innocent as can be. It made my heart break to read your story, but it also made my heart rejoice to see you let all of that pain, hurt, anger, and resentment go. I am so incredibly touched that you shared that with us, and I am so proud of you for working through it so that you can move forward and grow. You are so inspiring and I consider myself truly blessed to know you. ---With much love, Amber.
Jonathan- I can only add to all the other comments of how impressed I am with you and who you are. Your strength and courage are an inspiration to all of us. Great work taking this head on. Your friend, Layne
Jonathan, my heart wants to shout Hallelujah for the strength and courage you have shown. The beautiful audacity to truly forgive someone that has cause significant pain is INSPIRING! I know others are feeling pain from situations that were unjustly caused by another and will be inspired by your strength to forgive the unforgivable. You are the change I want to see in the world!
I am so proud of you for working through this and letting it go - as a mom, my heart breaks for that little boy that you were back then. I am so glad you are able to forgive and let go of this . . . that must be an amazing feeling! I know when I wrote out my big forgive I felt like I had put down a huge weight that I had been carrying around with me - it was so freeing. I hope you are able to feel that freedom too. Thanks for sharing this with us. Christine
Jonathan, I'm so sorry for what you had to experience as a young boy. It was heartbreaking to read --- I couldn't help but think about the extreme anger I would feel if it were my own son's story. You have done amazing work getting this all out --- I hope you truly no longer feel the burden of what you have been carrying with you so many years. You are now FREE, and God loves you, you know that. God bless you and your beautiful family. So happy to know you. hugs, donni
Wonderful work Jonathan! God is a loving God. I am so proud of you for moving forward. Lynnie
Jonathan, I am crying with happiness for you today. To be released from those terrible burdens is a miracle of God's loving kindness. I am so, so happy for you and your sweet family. You have blessed us all with your transparency. Thank you. Friendly hugs~ Ginger
Oh Jonathon wow. Im in tears. You are so brave and Im so grateful to hear you will release this past, the hurt, the anger, the pain and let it all go, This will no longer affect you - releasing it from your being allows you to find that peace beyond understanding that God promises us - your heart will open, you will be renewed knowing this past - these painful memories can no longer touch you - your spirit is reaching higher to your true authentic self. Bravo - good for you for doing this powerful work Jonathon Im so proud of you. Hugs. Thia
Wow dude! I am so impressed with you for your courage and strength to work through this! You are going to be an inspiration to everyone who might be struggling with their step 8! Thank you for knowing that you can trust us here in the community with this hurt. Know that we love you, and we're ALL here for you! Now you are FREE to move forward without the weight of this holding you back! Take it from me, it feels WONDERFUL!!!!!! Love you bro!
Jonathan, Wow. This is some amazing inner work that you have completed here. Now that you have brought it to the front, I hope that you can let it go once and for all. You are an amazing person and this took real guts to get through. I am proud to call you a friend. - Matt