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Thank you
In my last blog, I shared that I needed some space. I want to thank those who have reached out to me. I have decided that in the face of my health challenges this past summer, I will not be attending the event in Denver. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have decided that Denver and Transformation took on a meaning that is just not healthy for me for me now. I know it must seem strange th...Going away for a while
I am in emotional pain. I need guidance, and I feel I have to take a rest. I am not sure where my outburst the other day came from. I won't go into details, but I attacked and I felt attacked. This is not me.I would like to think that I have been supportive, honest and loving during my time here, but I feel differently now,I feel right now that there are some subtle things going on that just don't agree with me.Maybe I am stuck in some way....The other side of 6
I haven't been feeling well yesterday and today. It's a sneaky thing, this bipolar. I am still getting my meds straightened out and it the meantime, it strikes again. I will do my best to eat well and workout tomorrow. Affirmation: I can do my best. My 10 may be less tomorrow but it doesn't diminish the fact that it is a 10.I just wanted to keep everyone updated....Assignment 6 - Transforming what you see
It would be very easy to throw down 100 negative things in this blog, wipe my hands free of the whole thing and walk away,but I have learned so much that I see positive things in all my recent experiences. I had decided when I went to the hospital that it would be the official first day of my third 18 week transformation challenge. Not because I knew that I would miss the deadline by being in the hospital, but because I knew that life was c...Hitting the pavement - Denver seems so far.
I am still hurting on a one mile run. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow to rule out any tendonitis etc... if I get the all clear, how do I increase my mileage without the ouch. Got new shoes fitted by a professional running store, have custom orthotics which I broke in on the proper schedule, used rest (maybe a little too much) and ice. I can see myself running my training runs with no issues, so the visualization is there. I want to run this race.D...Assignment 5
Wow, this is a tough assignment for me this time around. I started on May 25, but had so many challenges with starting medications etc. that I changed that start date to the middle of June and immediately ended up in the hospital and then with shin splints. etc. So I have deided that the day I went into the hospital, June 24, was my official start date. What better date to begin (contunie) transforming than the day I had a ...Stages of Change
I would like to share something that I was given during one of my group sessions at the hospital. I think is is useful here as well:Change: To go from one phase to another. To cause to be different.Change behaviors, thoughts, feelingsStages of ChangePre-Contemplation: * No intention of changing behavior in forseeable future * No awareness, change others not oneself * Resent change and feel hopeless * A wish to change is different from intending o...A letter to my disorder
Many of you know what my struggle is lately. I was officially diagnosed with bipolar in June and it has been life altering. I have had struggles and setbacks over the last month. For more details, read my earlier blogs. I have had a couple of good, clear days lately and I feel I am finally coming out of the fog and am coming to a healthier place. I am a little afraid to post this, but it was so cathartic to write that I wanted to shar...Assignment 4 - My purpose
When I began this challenge, my third 18 week round, I was wondering if my assignments would be different or just more of the same. I just didn't see how doing the same thing over and over could get me the results I wanted from life, but I have to share here and now, that each time I do these assignments, I evolve a little, and so do they.I had written previously about how opening a yoga studio was my purpose in life. It is still somehting ...July 1 - Last morning on the ward
From my journal:Today I will be going home from 7E. I am ready although I am a little bit nervous about how I will fit in to my new life. Because that's what it is. So many people will be asking me and expecting me to fall right into my old life. Even though I was here for a reaction to medication, I can see that my old life wasn't working right. I was tweaking and improving, but being here has given me such an appreciation for the need to ...The beating heart
The ward at 7E is like a beating heart, but it beats with the pain that flows from a lack of compassion and hurt. It beats with the bad blood between brothers, the detoxing pain of heroin withdrawal, the silent cries of depression. Alochol flows through some of these arteries, and despair through others. We are all here in a locked ward, crying out to the people we love outside to help us. Those of us who learn that the love happens within will m...Assignment 3 - The Food
This time around, food is playing a very different role. I am finding that with my new medication, an interesting side effect is that food tastes different. I have completely lost my taste for certain foods, and others are dull.Meals that I once relied on will be new experiments. It is interesting to go into this with no expectations on what things will taste like or how my body will take them.Another thing that I am inter...What an interesting feeling
Some people have been asking me about my appointment last week with the psychiatrist and how it is going with my new medicine.I have been on it for less than a week, and we are taking a consevative approach about dosing, but so far the side effects have been minimal.I have been thinking and looking back on my last two challenges and on much of my life and realizing just how "turned off" I was. I am sure the medicine is not complete...Assignment 2 - Move that body!
Believe it or not, this is one of the hardest assignments for me, but I think I have cracked the code.I am using my new method of breaking this down by the hour. My workouts are interrupted by my moods and my sleep patterns, so rather than stuffing the whole day down the toilet, I am making a new commitment to get moving in some way each day.For instance, today I was planning to work out (Training run for Denver) first thing in the A.M.&nbs...The Deconstruction of Jen
So, I admit, I had a meltdown this week. It is not unusual for me, but since the first of this year, my Transformation efforts have been spared. This time, I sabotaged myself.It shows I have much to learn.I have taken the past few days and questioned whether or not Transformation would even work for me. I started to use my new diagnosis as a crutch and an excuse for failure. I sent a note to Bill about it and have been tal...I think I am sorting myself out a bit
When you spend your life in uncknowledged pain, it hurts all the more once you dig and and learn to feel it.I spent my last transformation climbing out of blindness, and I think this one will be spent acknowledging the pain I had buried in that blindness.I have been getting deeply involved in my therapy and I have discovered that there are fears and pain that I have buried deep inside. I am going to be working on releasing those and it has ...Day 2, May 26
Today's plan:M1: Protein shake40 minute fast walkM2: 2 Eggs, Turkey bacon and English muffinM3: RL ShakeM4: Cottage Cheese and fruitM5: EFL Chicken KabobM6: Protein shakeI am going to try to find time if my husband gets home to do a training run, but I did have the chance to walk to an appointment this morning. ...Day 1, May 25
I just posted Assignment 1a for my third challenge and I feel pretty good about it. I am no longer in a state of despair, but in a state where I can continue learning and working on the things I have discovered in my first two rounds. It feels good to be in this place. My goals are posted in my profile, and my plan is to update weekly with a progress shot for accountability. Today's meal plan:M1: Protein pancakesM2: Protein shak...It's good that I didn't reach my physical goals
I am so happy I didn't reach all my physical goals, especially last year when I did my first 18 weeks. I have been thinking about the fact that I first came here with the intention of reaching my goal weight, running through a challenge, doing what I was comfortable with and leaving the rest. I can't imagine where I would be right now had I reached my physical goals. Had I lost my last 10-20 lbs, or seen washboard abs, or c...Bringing to life the serenity prayer
This is a dificult blog to write.I think it is time to rethink the idea of God.I have never been comfortable with the word, or the concept. I must preface this before I go on with the fact that I respect all beliefs and if I mistakenly write something that is offensive, it comes from lack of experience and I apologize.When I married my husband I was thrilled he was an atheist. It was a perfect situation, because all I had to do was sa...
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